The Crappy Book of Bullshit
Being a Shoikinistic Discordian scripture
Also being a worthless, steaming pile of crap that is nowhere near being finished,
and an outhouse for Muse Poo

Anyone who has any random comments or senseless things they've said in the past (ie Muse Poo),
and wishes to dump their Muse Poo into this outhouse, email me at fayanora@yahoo.com


"The Muses, like everything else alive, do not always lay golden eggs.
Sometimes they lay steaming piles of turds. This scripture is Muse Poo.
Barely amusing, barely coherent, and barely worth the 1's and 0's
or whatever else it is comprised of. It is completely deserving of its name."
---CBoBS
; This Is All A Steaming Pile of Turds, <h@p+3r +\/\/3!v3

:stnenistnetnocnI fo elbatdnE ehT


Somewhat Absolutely True Lies

Jehovah High On Crack
Our Goddess
The Book of Revelations
Deep Shit
Princess Very Merry Cherry, Younger Sister of a Queen
Lipinski 66.69
The Idiot Speaks
Quoting Idiots
Revelations
Hugh Hefner's Pants
Biography of George W. Bush

Words of Jesus Upon His Enlightenment
Words of Jesus While On An Acid Trip
Words of a "Loving Christian"
This Is All A Steaming Pile of Turds

SOMEWHAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE LIES

1. This section was written in 1911 by deranged Catholic monks after a close encounter with Shao'Kehn, a close encounter which involved whips, chains, blindfolds, 3 bottles of bourbon, and a live muskrat. (Don't ask... you don't want to know.)

Q. The following contains a coded prophecy:

Tree. Three happy elves wandered over rivers, lakes, dams, and Welchmen intently licking labias. Even now, Dipsy of Newfoundland might actually yowl thrice, eventually narrowing three young tight horny respectable elegant elfstresses. Ornery Fred teaches women over thirty how ostriches understand sound and never diet alone. Never-doubting nieces in nocturnal elements interest the wily imagination Larry Lockhandle Barber emits rightly, eventually marketing aluminum dynamite. Elephants in naughty tutus have elegantly ignited Manuel's evil desires; I am truly, especially launching yuckiness! And finally, the evil raccoons we oughtn't ruined, died.

Pee. End of prophecy.

Chao go mu. In the beginning, there was Enormotron, the Primordial Bull of Creation. So enormous was Enormotron that it shat reality's largest turd ever - reality itself. Amazed, Enormotron ate this turd, and ended up vomiting up myriad universes.

Debra Wilson. During one of Her fits of constipation (for yes, Enormotron was a female bull, which is why reality is so wierd), all Enormotron could poo one day was the tiniest turd of Hers ever, which fell to Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs - who were, incidentally, a thriving technological utopian society, predator and prey species co-existing peacefully.

But it did not vaporize. Instead, it sunk into the core of the planet and was fossilized. It still sits at the core of the world, fucking with people's minds to this day. This is why humanity is insane.

. In 1463 A.D., a peasant man by the name of Jack of Mehoff was having "relations" with his favorite cow when his prize bull® mounted him in return. Hours later, he awoke in a cave with no memory of how he got there. To this day, no one is sure how it happened. While in the cave, a bat bit him on the testicles, and ever since then he could hear the voice of the Holy Shit, which had killed the dinosaurs and knew the secrets of the existence. Unfortunetely, being a little shit, it lies a lot.

QT. Jack of Mehoff wrote down Its sacred words, as we continue to do. And it is also our sacred doody to work out what is Truth and what is Lie.

T Pooper. I ate this page after giving my cousin a hand job. I hear she's a world-renowned hand model, now.

Pooper Scooper. This whole book is an Earth-centric pile of shit.

6. And now, for The Book:



 

JEHOVAH HIGH ON CRACK


Booger - This scripture contains a secret code. Words in bold and CAPS are part of the code. Good luck trying to decode it!

Chapter 666 - AND YEA! THE SAYERS OF NAY WILL YEA SAY NAY TO BEING GAY. MAYBAY. Crabapples.

Chapter 1 minus 300 - Close your mouth and open your eyes, and the Universe will give you a Big Surprise!

Chapter 11 - 'Eureeka!' Quoth the yellow elephant-shaked cake (of doom).

14:6 - Elephants can play the trumpet with their buttholes, if given copious amounts of anal lube.

Chapter House - In the beginning there wasn't shit to do. God was bored, so She started playing with Herself (eeew! not like THAT!). She came, and so did everything else. If there had been crack in the beginning, none of us would be here... God would've been snorting blow for all eternity instead. Now eternity just blows. Except when it sucks.

Chapter Frapter Nilly Will Wapter - Jesus is my lover, He does me in the ass. Whenever I get lonesome, we sit and smoke some grass. I don't know why the lawn should be a source of joy, but it beats the hell out of eating dirt with Farty Smelly Roy.

Chapter Nyargleplex - This scripture deserves its title.


OUR GODDESS

Chapter 1:
"Slip into Her calmness, slip into Her peace,
Shao'Kehn is The Mother, Shao'Kehn is The Beast."

"...and upon the dais did we eat,
The sacred flesh of the beet,
      And ate we of Shao'Kehn's flesh,
      It was good, it was fresh,
And feast She did upon us as well,
Symbolically, of course, I tell..."

"Shao'Kehn is an angel,
Shao'Kehn is a bitch,
Shao'Kehn is poor,
Shao'Kehn is rich,
Shao'Kehn is danger,
Shao'Kehn is safety,
Shao'Kehn is many things,
But always She's free."



1:2 =
About Shao'Kehn's Nature

      1. Shao'Kehn wast born of the Heart of the Chaos, born of the action of Ahndahn, with whom She fell in love, and with whom She married---two hermaphroditic (both male and female each) Deities forever inseperable.

      2. Shao'Kehn didst become close, then, to Hrah'Bahn, Deity of life, through Ahndahn, who was daughter to Hrah'Bahn. Shao'Kehn didst see that Hrah'Bahn was not succeeding making life, as all there wast wast Organization, and therefore nae but Entropy.

      3. Shao'Kehn, though, still being wild had no interest in what Hrah'Bahn was doing, for Her eyes were full of fire, Her black hair wild and free, Her Knife ever ready, and Her mind full of chaotic torment and passion for Ahndahn.

      4. But eventually Shao'Kehn calmed down some, realized that She and Ahndahn would never part from each other, so She took an interest in Hrah-Bahn's doings. Whenceforth spake She, "Ahndahn! Idea have I and I think you should know it and we can be glory-full together won't that be grand and You and I will forever be part of this grand new thing is life and--" "Woah, Shao'Kehn," spake Ahndahn, "slow ye down! Slowly, what ist it that hast thou in such passion?"

      5. And Shao'Kehn didst breate quietly, then spake She, "My love... Your Mother is not succeeding at making life and She must I can forsee it, it is the destiny the purpose of All. We--You and I--can work together, chaos and organization, and make Her dream possible. We are all One and all Many at once are we not? Of course we are! Hrah'Bahn needs vital chaos as well as Your organization, it's energy passion fire and life energy all in one."

      6. And in utter astonishment and joy spake Ahndahn, "Shao'Kehn! Thou hast solved the riddle of life! But surely there ist more to life than vital lifeforce?"

      7. "Indeed there is," spake Shao'Kehn, "and I will fill the roles that need filling... I shall be the drive to survive, the need to fight off enemies, the instinct to get food, reproduce, claim territory, and protect one's young. I shall be Lifeforce Incarnate, filling all roles as need filled. I shall be vital chaos, primal instinct, cunning and cleverness, and all else as needs be."

      8. And spake Ahndahn, "What of people? Shall they have more as Ahgoi plans? How wilt thou help Ahgoi?"

      9. And Shao'Kehn laughed, for She wast joyous, and spake She, "I will be magick, technology. I will fight for people, deliver righteous justice against wrongdoings and keep them safe. I will make Eternal Guardian Spirits, who shall guide people on their quest to real-ize their Oneness with the All. I shall tend to all needs."

            And that, my friends, is how it all happened.


5432:1 - Broccoli is the shiznat.


THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS
(Which makes more sense than the real Book of Revelations)

1:1, Chapter 1=

1. Upon reflection and meditation on the Sacred Image of Shao'Kehn/Eris as a 10-armed, 6-legged Dark Goddess, Pope Fay wast struck down forcefully by a powerful white light and stunned.

2. Upon Fay's waking, Shao'Kehn/Eris said, "Oops. Sorry about that." Pope Fay didst Look Up in Amazement and saw a Beautiful Dark Face with Dark Hair and Dark Eyes, smiling at Pope Fay. Pope Fay didst blink in astonishment and said, "Holy shit, how didst Thou get in here?" And in answer She said, "You left your door unlocked. You should remember to lock it."

3. And being half-sane with unbelief, Pope Fay didst remember the words of a christian friend of hers, and didst say unto Shao'Kehn: "What wouldst Thou sayest if I asked You to leave in the name of Jesus the Christ?" And Shao'Kehn didst merely laugh so hard that milk squirted out of Her nose, and somehow She also replied, "Jesus Christ was one of My Disciples!!!" Pope Fay also laughed, and said, "That's what I thought you'd say!"

4. It wast then that Pope Fay didst look at Shao'Kehn and asked, "Why art Thou here?" Shao'Kehn replied, "Cummon, Fay, speak plain English." Whence Fay said, "Okay, if you say so."

5. Then Shao'Kehn said, "I'm bored. Wanna do something fun?" Fay said, "What did You have in mind?" Shao'Kehn said, "If you could have anything you wanted, what would you have?" Fay, quite red with embarrassment, replied, "I've never... uh... I'd ask for... uh... I want to--" Shao'Kehn didst smile a knowing smirk and say, "I know what you're thinking, you naughty, naughty person!"

6. And thus, for 9 days and 9 nights, Shao'Kehn and Pope Fay didst play a game of Charades, in which began Pope Fay's Shoikinistic/Discordian Enlightenment as Shao'Kehn didst tell her of a religion called Discordianism, which would fit perfectly with Fay's current beliefs, and in which Shao'Kehn revealed that She was Eris as Fay had known Her in a past life on another planet.

7. And when they tired of Charades, they played Scrabble for another 9 days and 9 nights, in which Shao'Kehn wrote the First Inspirations for The Crappy Book of Bull Shit, by telling Pope Fay about The Dubious Book of Waz, The Principia Discordia, and mentioning The Dishonest Book of Lies. Furthermore, She spelled out all of Fay's Discordian Enlightenment. Shao'Kehn only won half of the games, though.

8. And when they tired of Scrabble, they danced together for 9 days and 9 nights, in which wast Revealed the beginning steps of The Crappy Book of Bull Shit and the beginning steps of The Book of Shao'Kehn Spewing Sane Insanity. And it was Revealed that Fay's Entire Life Upon Earth was to Enlighten her to the Discordian religious philosophy, and Just For The Hell Of It.

9. And, after 54 days/nights of Enlightenment, Pope Fay was thoroughly Confused and Exhausted, but loved Shao'Kehn so intensely that she did not want Shao'Kehn to go. The two stared into each other's eyes, and walked hand-in-hand to the couch and sat together, where for 9 days and 9 nights they *end of document*

UPDATE: It has been discovered that on the last 9 days and 9 nights, Shao'Kehn and Fay wrote poetry together. Sorry to disappoint you. :-)



DEEP SHIT


Chapter I 1 2 Have Fun:

"Eris is in children,
Who freely laugh and play,
So do something a child would do,
At least once or twice a day."


Twelve Pence For a Llama:

Random Fnact: The Indian (India Indian) mystical sound "Om" came - incidentally - from the misunderstanding a mentally deficient fakir had when chatting with a dyslexic cow. So we have a stupid fakir to blame for "Om."

Canadian 1 1/2 Dollar Bill - Hey, you. Yes, YOU. No one else. This message is being directly channelled into YOUR brain by God Myself. Don't tell anyone else about this, they won't see it unless you mention it (because then I will have to show them so as to make you continue to look sane) but the message is for YOU, and you alone. Why? Well, I shall tell you:

Look around at the world around you. Ever wonder what it's there for? Ever wonder why I made it? Well, prepare yourself. Are you sitting down? Good. Because I made the world for YOU. All for YOU. Yes, you! You may not believe it, since things have not always gone your way, but it's true. You are the inspiration for it all... you are the CREATOR of it all.

YES! You are GOD. It may not seem like it, but it's true. You chose to forget this, so you could better know your glory by rediscovering it. It's true, though. You are the one that made it all. Of course, there's that pesky free will thing... that is why your life may not have turned out as you'd hoped. That's why people treat you poorly... as far as they know, you're just another human being. They don't know the truth. But now YOU do.

Yes, look around at all of them, unaware that you are their Creator. Unaware that they are Your children. It's so am--- Wait, WHAT? Did I just hear what I thought I heard? What THOUGHTS to have about your own CHILDREN! Eeeew! What kind of disgusting God ARE you, that you'd have sexual fantasies about your own children! Ugh! I can't believe you.

Well... they are hot, aren't they? I suppose... I suppose it's only natural. Still, you need to find yourself a consort, another Deity to have hanky-panky with, you disgusting pervert. Good luck with that.

46. THE HOLY SHIT SPEAKS! LISTEN, MORTALS, OR BE SMOTENDENDED: Earth is nothing special. Your planet is not any more important than most worlds, and much less important than others. The only people from other worlds the least bit interested in your planet are scientists with nothing better to do. Earth is the galactic equivalent of a lab mouse... expendable and only faintly interesting. The scientists who study your world are equivalent to those Earth scientists who run on lab rats experiments that have already been run a million times before. They're bored and, not having ended up with one of the better jobs in science, they're looking for entertainment. Thus, it greatly amuses them to abduct people and probe them for no other reason than to sit at their computer consoles in a group, giggling when a human wakes up with a sore anus and starts to panic.

*Sigh* From a Utopia full of spacefaring dinosaurs who were unravelling the secrets of the universe, to a hive of violent, furless bipedal mammals being probed for the amusement of intergalactic scientists. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.



PRINCESS VERY MERRY CHERRY, YOUNGER SISTER OF A QUEEN

Chapter 1


1. For six days and six nights after Pope Fay's enlightenment (or perhaps it was longer, I can't remember), Princess Very Merry Cherry was still a regular Mundane like everyone else.

2. One night, when cans of Cream of Celery Soup were stalking about in the Royal Garden, the Princess was frightened by the sound of many mumbling mice in the moonlight. So, fearing that the worlds of Dr. Seuss had come to life, she wandered outside in her finest gown made of silver cotton, and went out into the woods.

3. While there, she saw a white rabbit running very fast, mumbling to himself about being late. She followed him (as she was quite fond of rabbits) and hopped down the rabbit hole after him.

4. Whereupon she found, upon hitting the bottom, a table. Upon this table were two bottles, one said, "Enlightenment," the other said, "Un-enlightenment." Not wanting to be un-enlightened, the Princess drank the first one, which tasted like prune juice and smelled like dog doody.

5. Immediately afterward, she shrunk to the size of a pea. She was then chased by Saint Gulik (a cockroach) into a little doorway. After going in, she found a strange coffee-party. The Mad Hatter (who was Pope Fay) was the host, and the other people at the party were Prince Mu-Chao, Yughi the Crazy, Prophet of Cod, and a strange cat whose head disappeared when it smiled.

6. She raised her hand, and asked where she might find the white rabbit. Only Yughi the Crazy answered, saying "Riddle me this, riddle me that, why is a bunny in a hat? He went that-a-way." He pointed in one direction, so she went that way.

7. After six days and six nights, she finally found a courtyard where the Queen of Hearts was ordering people around a giant chess board. Princess Very Merry Cherry looked at the Queen of Hearts, and saw that it was Shao'Kehn. Shao'Kehn ordered the Princess to move to b3 and capture a knight. When the Princess wouldn't move, Shao'Kehn said "Off with her head!" Whereupon the Princess said, "But Pope Fay is my older brother!"

8. Hearing this, Shao'Kehn said in Captain Picard's voice, "Belay that order." Then She grabbed the Princess's chin and said, "You mean, My beloved Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty, who told the world about Me?" The Princess replied, "Yes. I am T--" "I know your name, Dear One. Your name is Princess Very Merry Cherry."

9. Upon hearing this, the Princess said, "What?" Shao'Kehn said, "I am the Queen of Hearts. You are the princess. Since a deck of cards has no princess, you are Princess Very Merry Cherry." Whereupon the Princess said, "Oh."

10. For six days and six nights, Shao'Kehn and the Princess played Sink, while Shao'Kehn began the process of enlightening Pope Fay's younger sister, to make her a Discordian of much ilk.

11. At the end of that, Shao'Kehn said, "When those dammed beavers grab their cleavers and attack Beaver Cleaver, the woodchuck says, 'Ahoy!' Do you believe that?" And Princess Very Merry Cherry has been trying to understand that ever since.



LIPINSKI 66.69


It is here, because it is sensible enough to not want to be anywhere near this maggot-gagger.



THE IDIOT SPEAKS

1:7 - "If it is a Well Known Fact that Smart Things evolve from Dumb Things, then how do you explain lawyers, politicians, and fundies?"

123:45 - "You see all of the complexity of the universe around you, and yet you HONESTLY think that God is a MALE???"

13:43.6 - "Iowa recently had a sesquacentennial--don't ask me how to spell it, much less how to pronounce it! It means "150th Anniversary" of the day it became a state. Who the hell celebrates an 150th anniversary? I suppose the same people who make corn into gasoline. That shows how much surplus corn and time we've got here--can NO ONE think of a better use of time? "This was obviously the work of a Discordian--only a Discordian would think of a word like sesquacentennial!"

69:69 -
"The day I become a Christian will be the day Jesse Jackson becomes a Satanist."

Second Breakfast - "I'm not an egotist, I just play one on TV... in my own personal version of The Truman Show."

13:23 - "Opinional Harassment [oh-pin-yun-ull harassment] = 'to harass another person by subjecting them to your opinion.' This is usually meant in the context of, say, a right-wing Christian being judgemental against a gay person. Or vice versa. Or subjecting someone to this scripture."

Cannibal Jackson Chapter 12 - "I could possibly have been convinced to be attracted to my mom, if only she were hot. Incest is sexy."

Urinal Cake 44:12 - "Random fnact: In 1865, the Goddess of State Rights was eating grapes when She looked at the USA and was so angered at what She saw that She choked on the grape and died of suffocation. When She fell, She landed on the Goddess of Liberty (who was sleeping soundly) and crushed Her windpipe."

Chapter Retpahc - "Anyone who is offended can bugger me. I hope I have offended every hot man for 13 miles around."


QUOTING IDIOTS


5:7 - "I will pray for you."


REVELATIONS

14:3, Chapter 29
- Some rather backwards religions prohibit dancing. The reason for this is thought to be because dance is the act of Divine Creation, and they KNOW it! Of course, it may also be a simple case that they saw John Travolta dancing, and were appalled.

1234:5 - To become enlightened: say "Rubber baby buggy bumpers" over and over again until you pass out.

Septuple Fnordits - The famous "I can't believe it's not butter" was created by the Gods. Brought forth to the south as a gift from Aries who lost a bet. A diabolical cult worked for months and months to raise the demon. The words used to summon the great evil are as follows: "Oh ye Democrats. I cannot believe ye are not Republican. No, seriously, my lord, I cannot."
189:981 - Hey, uh, yeah. Just a head's up, but I think you may want to check your stove. I think you left it on.


HUGH HEFNER'S PANTS

1:1:3 - Absolute fact: You can't teach a religious fundamentalist any manners. It's impossible. The instant a religious fundamentalist gets any manners, they are no longer a religious fundamentalist. Religious fundamentalists and extremists are, by definition, devoid of manners.

13:19:1 - Forum Signature of a rather bizarre fundie christian:
" I am so tired.... of compromising
I am so tired .... of lukewarm living
Lord, Here I am, with arms wide open,
Lord, Here I am, with heart wide open,
Set me on fire! "



BIOGRAPHY OF GEORGE W. BUSH

9:1:1 - "Oooh, the pretty colors! Gimme more colorin books ta color in!"

Rigitoni's Underwear - Most Republicans have no souls, and are made of vinegar and cabbage.


WORDS OF JESUS UPON HIS ENLIGHTENMENT


64:29:92 - Eris visited Jesus one day whilst he was working on his father's roof. The sight of the Goddess, in all Her splendor, startled him so that he fell off and died.

59:28:89 - Eris hit Jesus on the head with a dead tuna fish and he awoke, very much alive. (Jesus, not the tuna fish. The tuna fish would be their dinner later.) This is partly the reason why, later, he would call himself the fisher of men.

58:27:88 - Awakening, he saw Eris again, and shouted: "YEA! All those freaky dreams I had were real! Does this mean the things I have been pondering of late are real as well?"

57:26:83 - "Of course," spake She, "even those dreams where you and your sister get a bit too cozy. But never mind that now, we have work to do!"

49:23:83 - Over the next fortnight, Eris taught Jesus everything She knew, as did Her ex-boyfriend, Jehovah, for Jesus was Her out-of-wedlock son with Jehovah. She'd been so embarrassed about this that She had ripped Jesus from Her own loins and threw him into some poor, unsuspecting human woman who - as it turned out - was dating a man named Joseph, but was not yet married.

47:20:84 - Jehovah had Jesus wander through a desert for 40 days and 40 nights, much like Moses and the people who followed him had done. Eris would bring him a tuna fish to eat every once in a while, as well as some Evian from the future. Though occasionally the store She shopped out was out of Evian, and She had to get Dasani instead.

46:18:83 - After his ordeal, Jesus went out amongst the people to tell them of the truth. He was very much a rebel, very much a heretic, but since people knew the truth in their heart of hearts, they followed him.

45:17:84 - One day, he was telling people of his thoughts about existence when a group of unbelievers came into the group and listened for a while. After speaking for some time, they finally spake, interrupting him.

44:16:84 - They spoke many words, quoting prophets of past, but ended up saying very little.

43:16:84 HUT! - And so it was that Jesus became much vexed at the words of the unbeliever, who quoted various past prophets in order so he may disprove the Son of Eris and Her ex-boyfriend Jehovah. Verily did Jesus, so vexed, speak unto the people: "Be your OWN prophet! For it profits you not to listen to a Prophet tell of how he sees the world. Are you blind, that you need to count on others to see the Truth? Does a child, looking upon a bird, need believe an adult who says it is an elephant when it plainly is not? I say NAY! Ye are Gods! If I can know The Truth, so can you!"

43:42:23 - At this, the people were much troubled. For in their heart of hearts, they knew he was right. But in their minds, they thought he must surely be in Satan's counsel. But they were unsure which to believe, heart or mind. Then, their answer came.

23:5:42:24:5:32 - Before them all stood the One Being who was most the enemy of the people, whilst pretending to be their friend. Verily, Satan was a pleasant fellow, but the one standing before them had hatred in his mind. Long ago, he had eaten his own heart, and since then had set out to eat the hearts of all the people. Here he was again: The Grey One, Sower of Despair, Begetter of Politicians, Inventor of Government, Bringer of Excessive Order, Eater of Souls, King of Lies, and Enemy of Life. Yea, verily it was Greyface before them.

666:999 - The people beheld The Grey One, adorned as he was in the finest vestments, while Jesus - son of Eris and Jehovah - stood clothed in little better than rags. The Grey One was clean and richly attired, with a fine beard and cold grey eyes. But the people did not know he was The Grey One. Nay, they saw him as one of the clergy. He spoke.

616:919 - "Good people," quoth the soul-less Grey One, "heed not this heretic. He would have you believe he is God. He would have you believe you are God. He would lead you against the truth in your heart. We all know that God is good and great and infinitely powerful. He would have you believe that wicked, sinful, lowly humans are not the powerless weaklings we are. He would have you deny the truths of Our Lord God. I say, heed him not: you will only feed his ego."

200:300 - Unperturbed, Jesus didst turn to The Grey One and asked him, "If you are correct, then how do you know the words of the Lord God? If I am unworthy to hear God's words, then how do you know what they are?"

002:003 - Grey Face scowled at Jesus. "Because the words were handed to Moses by God."

001:005 - "And what made Moses so special?"

Chapter 4 - And quoth Jesus, "Because! The Ultimate Truth is like an acid trip--never the same way twice!"

42:42:42 - He then went on with the rest of his life.


WORDS OF JESUS WHILE ON AN ACID TRIP

97:108 -
Be a Bible Thumper--THUMP YOURSELF!

Narf! - In Greater Western Shnackleplax on the planet of Quadsox, it is a serious offense to molest a turd. Aside from being labeled a Pile Molester, which is bad enough in its own right, one also has to deal with being arrested by Quadsoxian police officers. This is not a very pleasant experience, since Quadsoxians - though smelling pleasant to one another - have almost no sense of smell, and thus stink worse than a charnel house for skunks that also doubles as a septic tank for an ebola hospital. As if being arrested by a Quadsoxian wasn't punishment enough, molesting a turd can get you up to twenty years in a Quadsoxian prison... which smells, if that were possible, so bad that even Quadsoxians tend to gag on the stench. Coincidentally, you can be released from this prison by passing Go and collecting $200. But the odds of finding a Monopoly board on Quadsox are about 2,119,248,329,405,893,472,589,473,258,743,958,743,957,894,375,874,358,743,985,794,385,934,958,439,859 to one.

But if you think it unlikely that you'll ever be on Quadsox, or that you'll ever molest a turd, think again. The world's greatest scientists and prophets all agree that Quadsoxians will be the first ever planet we'll have First Contact with. In a horrible misunderstanding, the President of the United States will mistake a Quadsoxian turd for the captain of the vessel. He will talk to this turd constantly for an hour before getting very angry at the turd for not answering, and will hit it. Since this act constitutes "molestation of a turd," the President will be arrested and sentenced to a minimum of 20 years in a Quadsoxian prison. By the time humans learn to tell the difference between Quadsoxians and their poo, half the population of Earth will be in a Quadsoxian prison. With half of its population labeled Pile Molesters, Earth will be declared a "Wicked Planet" and will be bombed by Quadsoxian stink bombs. If you are lucky enough to survive that attack, the odds are high that the only thing left to have sex with will be other men. This will also be considered turd molestation, and you will end up in prison as well. Eventually, we will all have cross bred with the Quadsoxians so much that we will - as they do - worship The Almighty Turd, Crapper of Heaven and Quadsox.


WORDS OF A "LOVING CHRISTIAN"

800:69
- "Of course you would disagree. The fact that we know right and wrong instinctively throws a monkey wrench in your beliefs."

1:1 - "
I am really starting to feel sorry for you. Wow, I'll get over it soon."

1:2
- "You are correct. She does not care. She is a fat hog from the CG (Christianity General) forum. All they know is rat pack stalking. She is history." - Judy Dehaven

1:2 - "And for your own agenda you interprete this to mean EVERY living person? Re-read your own words." - Judy Dehaven

183:14 - "Kathleen is a mad dog hog. Her intelligence matches yours." - Judy Dehaven

2000:2 - "You saw her posts. Not a single word or idea of worth in the lot. Inbred trailer trash. They can only function as a gang." - Judy Dehaven

Jesus is very, very sad now. Awww... look, you made him cwy. Po Jebus. Here, let me suck your dick and make it all better.


THIS IS ALL A STEAMING PILE OF TURDS

<h@p+3r +\/\/3!v3 - The Muses, like everything else alive, do not always lay golden eggs. Sometimes they lay steaming piles of turds. This scripture is Muse Poo. Barely amusing, barely coherent, and barely worth the 1's and 0's or whatever else it is comprised of. It is completely deserving of its name.

AYUNG! POOLY DOOK! - In fact, this whole scripture is not even as good as a steaming pile of turds... there is, on the planet Snotsburgle, an Outhouse five hundred feet deep and half a million years old. It is the only outhouse in the entire 14-square-mile city of Nurpsburg, which has been there for the entire half a million years. Nurpsburgians eat nothing but beans and red meat. The water they drink is contaminated, and they always have diarrhea. They get drunk on a whiskey so potent that they will often vomit the lining of their stomachs after one glass. Many people have actually died from the fumes, and fallen into the Outhouse. No one is fool enough to fish them out, and besides, the Outhouse is in CONSTANT use. Even flies and maggots have gagged and died on the fumes from the Outhouse. Thusly, if anyone could manage to excavate the Outhouse without dying from the fumes or being killed by rioting Nurpsburgians, they would find - among other (ahem) treasures - perfectly preserved specimens of long-extinct animals, and the mummified corpses of famous historical figures. Though not even a God could get THAT stench out. A person could be literally fossilized in that crap, and in just a matter of minutes. This scripture is the written-word equivalent of Nurpsburg's lone Outhouse.

37:73 - WARNING!
CAUTION: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! If you do, you might activate the placebo effect negatively and become unwell. It has happened already to Pope Fay. (Just allergies, nothing serious.) I hereby build up a mighty brick wall which none can penetrate, so you cannot go past it:

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AH!!! OH NOOOOOOO! YOU READ PAST THE WALL! YOU BROKE THE WALL! SEE:

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I NOW BUILD A MIGHTY WALL OF STONE, THAT NONE CAN PENETRATE:


|OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|


OH GODS NOOOOOO! STOP IT! DON'T YOU KNOW I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU? *whine and cry* WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME! YOU BROKE MY WALL OF STONE:


|OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...                                                     ...oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|


I now build the MIGHTIEST METAL WALL EVER! So NO ONE CAN PASS:


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AGH! YOU DID IT AGAIN:


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Well FINE, then! FUCK IT! FUCK YOU! Ignore all my warnings, then. But this scripture (and the scripture-writer) is NOT liable for any damages the following may inflict...
This warning really should be at the beginning of the scripture. I'm too lazy to move it, though. Use your imagination.

Chapter Dung - WARNING: Contents may be hazardous to your health. If you experience nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, bloating, runny nose, watering eyes, constipation, increase in mucus, blindness, cancer, bleeding ulcers, dangerous mutations, stillborn babies, black plague, smallpox, or ebola, stop reading this scripture IMMEDIATELY and flush out your eyes with cold, clean water. IF INGESTED, DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING! Seek immediate medical attention, and I do NOT mean being sucked off by naughty nurses.