Somewhat Absolutely True Lies
Jehovah High On Crack
The Book of Revelations
Princess Very Merry Cherry, Younger Sister of a Queen
The Idiot Speaks
Hugh Hefner's Pants
Biography of George W. Bush
Words of Jesus Upon His Enlightenment
Words of Jesus While On An Acid Trip
Words of a "Loving Christian"
This Is All A Steaming Pile of Turds
1. This section was written in 1911 by deranged Catholic monks after a close encounter with Shao'Kehn, a close encounter which involved whips, chains, blindfolds, 3 bottles of bourbon, and a live muskrat. (Don't ask... you don't want to know.)
Q. The following contains a coded prophecy:
Tree. Three happy elves wandered over rivers, lakes, dams, and Welchmen intently licking labias. Even now, Dipsy of Newfoundland might actually yowl thrice, eventually narrowing three young tight horny respectable elegant elfstresses. Ornery Fred teaches women over thirty how ostriches understand sound and never diet alone. Never-doubting nieces in nocturnal elements interest the wily imagination Larry Lockhandle Barber emits rightly, eventually marketing aluminum dynamite. Elephants in naughty tutus have elegantly ignited Manuel's evil desires; I am truly, especially launching yuckiness! And finally, the evil raccoons we oughtn't ruined, died.
Pee. End of prophecy.
Chao go mu. In the beginning, there was Enormotron, the Primordial Bull of Creation. So enormous was Enormotron that it shat reality's largest turd ever - reality itself. Amazed, Enormotron ate this turd, and ended up vomiting up myriad universes.
Debra Wilson. During one of Her fits of constipation (for yes, Enormotron was a female bull, which is why reality is so wierd), all Enormotron could poo one day was the tiniest turd of Hers ever, which fell to Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs - who were, incidentally, a thriving technological utopian society, predator and prey species co-existing peacefully.
But it did not vaporize. Instead, it sunk into the core of the planet and was fossilized. It still sits at the core of the world, fucking with people's minds to this day. This is why humanity is insane.
. In 1463 A.D., a peasant man by the name of Jack of Mehoff was having "relations" with his favorite cow when his prize bull® mounted him in return. Hours later, he awoke in a cave with no memory of how he got there. To this day, no one is sure how it happened. While in the cave, a bat bit him on the testicles, and ever since then he could hear the voice of the Holy Shit, which had killed the dinosaurs and knew the secrets of the existence. Unfortunetely, being a little shit, it lies a lot.
QT. Jack of Mehoff wrote down Its sacred words, as we continue to do. And it is also our sacred doody to work out what is Truth and what is Lie.
T Pooper. I ate this page after giving my cousin a hand job. I hear she's a world-renowned hand model, now.
Pooper Scooper. This whole book is an Earth-centric pile of shit.
6. And now, for The Book:
Booger - This scripture contains a secret code. Words in bold and CAPS are part of the code. Good luck trying to decode it!
Chapter 666 - AND YEA! THE SAYERS OF
NAY WILL YEA SAY NAY TO BEING GAY. MAYBAY. Crabapples.
Chapter 1 minus 300 - Close your mouth and open your eyes, and the Universe will give you a Big Surprise!
Chapter 11 - 'Eureeka!' Quoth the yellow elephant-shaked cake (of doom).
14:6 - Elephants can play the trumpet with their buttholes, if given copious amounts of anal lube.
Chapter House - In the beginning there wasn't shit to do. God was bored, so She started playing with Herself (eeew! not like THAT!). She came, and so did everything else. If there had been crack in the beginning, none of us would be here... God would've been snorting blow for all eternity instead. Now eternity just blows. Except when it sucks.
Chapter Frapter Nilly Will Wapter - Jesus is my lover, He does me in the ass. Whenever I get lonesome, we sit and smoke some grass. I don't know why the lawn should be a source of joy, but it beats the hell out of eating dirt with Farty Smelly Roy.
Chapter Nyargleplex - This scripture deserves its title.
1. Shao'Kehn wast born of the
Heart of the Chaos, born of the action of Ahndahn, with whom She fell in love,
and with whom She married---two hermaphroditic (both male and female each)
Deities forever inseperable.
2. Shao'Kehn didst become close, then, to Hrah'Bahn, Deity of life, through Ahndahn, who was daughter to Hrah'Bahn. Shao'Kehn didst see that Hrah'Bahn was not succeeding making life, as all there wast wast Organization, and therefore nae but Entropy.
3. Shao'Kehn, though, still being wild had no interest in what Hrah'Bahn was doing, for Her eyes were full of fire, Her black hair wild and free, Her Knife ever ready, and Her mind full of chaotic torment and passion for Ahndahn.
4. But eventually Shao'Kehn calmed down some, realized that She and Ahndahn would never part from each other, so She took an interest in Hrah-Bahn's doings. Whenceforth spake She, "Ahndahn! Idea have I and I think you should know it and we can be glory-full together won't that be grand and You and I will forever be part of this grand new thing is life and--" "Woah, Shao'Kehn," spake Ahndahn, "slow ye down! Slowly, what ist it that hast thou in such passion?"
5. And Shao'Kehn didst breate quietly, then spake She, "My love... Your Mother is not succeeding at making life and She must I can forsee it, it is the destiny the purpose of All. We--You and I--can work together, chaos and organization, and make Her dream possible. We are all One and all Many at once are we not? Of course we are! Hrah'Bahn needs vital chaos as well as Your organization, it's energy passion fire and life energy all in one."
6. And in utter astonishment and joy spake Ahndahn, "Shao'Kehn! Thou hast solved the riddle of life! But surely there ist more to life than vital lifeforce?"
7. "Indeed there is," spake Shao'Kehn, "and I will fill the roles that need filling... I shall be the drive to survive, the need to fight off enemies, the instinct to get food, reproduce, claim territory, and protect one's young. I shall be Lifeforce Incarnate, filling all roles as need filled. I shall be vital chaos, primal instinct, cunning and cleverness, and all else as needs be."
8. And spake Ahndahn, "What of people? Shall they have more as Ahgoi plans? How wilt thou help Ahgoi?"
9. And Shao'Kehn laughed, for She wast joyous, and spake She, "I will be magick, technology. I will fight for people, deliver righteous justice against wrongdoings and keep them safe. I will make Eternal Guardian Spirits, who shall guide people on their quest to real-ize their Oneness with the All. I shall tend to all needs."
And that, my friends, is how it all happened.
Broccoli is the shiznat.
1. Upon reflection and meditation on the Sacred Image
of Shao'Kehn/Eris as a 10-armed, 6-legged Dark Goddess, Pope Fay wast struck down
forcefully by a powerful white light and stunned.
2. Upon Fay's waking, Shao'Kehn/Eris said, "Oops. Sorry about that." Pope Fay didst Look Up in Amazement and saw a Beautiful Dark Face with Dark Hair and Dark Eyes, smiling at Pope Fay. Pope Fay didst blink in astonishment and said, "Holy shit, how didst Thou get in here?" And in answer She said, "You left your door unlocked. You should remember to lock it."
3. And being half-sane with unbelief, Pope Fay didst remember the words of a christian friend of hers, and didst say unto Shao'Kehn: "What wouldst Thou sayest if I asked You to leave in the name of Jesus the Christ?" And Shao'Kehn didst merely laugh so hard that milk squirted out of Her nose, and somehow She also replied, "Jesus Christ was one of My Disciples!!!" Pope Fay also laughed, and said, "That's what I thought you'd say!"
4. It wast then that Pope Fay didst look at Shao'Kehn and asked, "Why art Thou here?" Shao'Kehn replied, "Cummon, Fay, speak plain English." Whence Fay said, "Okay, if you say so."
5. Then Shao'Kehn said, "I'm bored. Wanna do something fun?" Fay said, "What did You have in mind?" Shao'Kehn said, "If you could have anything you wanted, what would you have?" Fay, quite red with embarrassment, replied, "I've never... uh... I'd ask for... uh... I want to--" Shao'Kehn didst smile a knowing smirk and say, "I know what you're thinking, you naughty, naughty person!"
6. And thus, for 9 days and 9 nights, Shao'Kehn and Pope Fay didst play a game of Charades, in which began Pope Fay's Shoikinistic/Discordian Enlightenment as Shao'Kehn didst tell her of a religion called Discordianism, which would fit perfectly with Fay's current beliefs, and in which Shao'Kehn revealed that She was Eris as Fay had known Her in a past life on another planet.
7. And when they tired of Charades, they played Scrabble for another 9 days and 9 nights, in which Shao'Kehn wrote the First Inspirations for The Crappy Book of Bull Shit, by telling Pope Fay about The Dubious Book of Waz, The Principia Discordia, and mentioning The Dishonest Book of Lies. Furthermore, She spelled out all of Fay's Discordian Enlightenment. Shao'Kehn only won half of the games, though.
8. And when they tired of Scrabble, they danced together for 9 days and 9 nights, in which wast Revealed the beginning steps of The Crappy Book of Bull Shit and the beginning steps of The Book of Shao'Kehn Spewing Sane Insanity. And it was Revealed that Fay's Entire Life Upon Earth was to Enlighten her to the Discordian religious philosophy, and Just For The Hell Of It.
9. And, after 54 days/nights of Enlightenment, Pope Fay was thoroughly Confused and Exhausted, but loved Shao'Kehn so intensely that she did not want Shao'Kehn to go. The two stared into each other's eyes, and walked hand-in-hand to the couch and sat together, where for 9 days and 9 nights they *end of document*
UPDATE: It has been discovered that on the last 9 days and 9 nights, Shao'Kehn and Fay wrote poetry together. Sorry to disappoint you. :-)
Chapter I 1 2 Have Fun:
"Eris is in children,
Who freely laugh and play,
So do something a child would do,
At least once or twice a day."
Twelve Pence For a Llama:
Random Fnact: The Indian (India Indian) mystical sound "Om" came - incidentally - from the misunderstanding a mentally deficient fakir had when chatting with a dyslexic cow. So we have a stupid fakir to blame for "Om."
Canadian 1 1/2 Dollar Bill - Hey, you. Yes, YOU. No one else. This message is being directly channelled into YOUR brain by God Myself. Don't tell anyone else about this, they won't see it unless you mention it (because then I will have to show them so as to make you continue to look sane) but the message is for YOU, and you alone. Why? Well, I shall tell you:
Look around at the world around you. Ever wonder what it's there for? Ever wonder why I made it? Well, prepare yourself. Are you sitting down? Good. Because I made the world for YOU. All for YOU. Yes, you! You may not believe it, since things have not always gone your way, but it's true. You are the inspiration for it all... you are the CREATOR of it all.
YES! You are GOD. It may not seem like it, but it's true. You chose to forget this, so you could better know your glory by rediscovering it. It's true, though. You are the one that made it all. Of course, there's that pesky free will thing... that is why your life may not have turned out as you'd hoped. That's why people treat you poorly... as far as they know, you're just another human being. They don't know the truth. But now YOU do.
Yes, look around at all of them, unaware that you are their Creator. Unaware that they are Your children. It's so am--- Wait, WHAT? Did I just hear what I thought I heard? What THOUGHTS to have about your own CHILDREN! Eeeew! What kind of disgusting God ARE you, that you'd have sexual fantasies about your own children! Ugh! I can't believe you.
Well... they are hot, aren't they? I suppose... I suppose it's only natural. Still, you need to find yourself a consort, another Deity to have hanky-panky with, you disgusting pervert. Good luck with that.
46. THE HOLY SHIT SPEAKS! LISTEN, MORTALS, OR BE SMOTENDENDED: Earth is nothing special. Your planet is not any more important than most worlds, and much less important than others. The only people from other worlds the least bit interested in your planet are scientists with nothing better to do. Earth is the galactic equivalent of a lab mouse... expendable and only faintly interesting. The scientists who study your world are equivalent to those Earth scientists who run on lab rats experiments that have already been run a million times before. They're bored and, not having ended up with one of the better jobs in science, they're looking for entertainment. Thus, it greatly amuses them to abduct people and probe them for no other reason than to sit at their computer consoles in a group, giggling when a human wakes up with a sore anus and starts to panic.
*Sigh* From a Utopia full of spacefaring dinosaurs who were unravelling the secrets of the universe, to a hive of violent, furless bipedal mammals being probed for the amusement of intergalactic scientists. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
PRINCESS VERY MERRY CHERRY, YOUNGER SISTER OF A QUEEN
1. For six days and six nights after Pope Fay's enlightenment (or perhaps it was longer, I can't remember), Princess Very Merry Cherry was still a regular Mundane like everyone else.
2. One night, when cans of Cream of Celery Soup were stalking about in the Royal Garden, the Princess was frightened by the sound of many mumbling mice in the moonlight. So, fearing that the worlds of Dr. Seuss had come to life, she wandered outside in her finest gown made of silver cotton, and went out into the woods.
3. While there, she saw a white rabbit running very fast, mumbling to himself about being late. She followed him (as she was quite fond of rabbits) and hopped down the rabbit hole after him.
4. Whereupon she found, upon hitting the bottom, a table. Upon this table were two bottles, one said, "Enlightenment," the other said, "Un-enlightenment." Not wanting to be un-enlightened, the Princess drank the first one, which tasted like prune juice and smelled like dog doody.
5. Immediately afterward, she shrunk to the size of a pea. She was then chased by Saint Gulik (a cockroach) into a little doorway. After going in, she found a strange coffee-party. The Mad Hatter (who was Pope Fay) was the host, and the other people at the party were Prince Mu-Chao, Yughi the Crazy, Prophet of Cod, and a strange cat whose head disappeared when it smiled.
6. She raised her hand, and asked where she might find the white rabbit. Only Yughi the Crazy answered, saying "Riddle me this, riddle me that, why is a bunny in a hat? He went that-a-way." He pointed in one direction, so she went that way.
7. After six days and six nights, she finally found a courtyard where the Queen of Hearts was ordering people around a giant chess board. Princess Very Merry Cherry looked at the Queen of Hearts, and saw that it was Shao'Kehn. Shao'Kehn ordered the Princess to move to b3 and capture a knight. When the Princess wouldn't move, Shao'Kehn said "Off with her head!" Whereupon the Princess said, "But Pope Fay is my older brother!"
8. Hearing this, Shao'Kehn said in Captain Picard's voice, "Belay that order." Then She grabbed the Princess's chin and said, "You mean, My beloved Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty, who told the world about Me?" The Princess replied, "Yes. I am T--" "I know your name, Dear One. Your name is Princess Very Merry Cherry."
9. Upon hearing this, the Princess said, "What?" Shao'Kehn said, "I am the Queen of Hearts. You are the princess. Since a deck of cards has no princess, you are Princess Very Merry Cherry." Whereupon the Princess said, "Oh."
10. For six days and six nights, Shao'Kehn and the Princess played Sink, while Shao'Kehn began the process of enlightening Pope Fay's younger sister, to make her a Discordian of much ilk.
11. At the end of that, Shao'Kehn said, "When those dammed beavers grab their cleavers and attack Beaver Cleaver, the woodchuck says, 'Ahoy!' Do you believe that?" And Princess Very Merry Cherry has been trying to understand that ever since.
It is here, because it
is sensible enough to not want to be anywhere near this