How Princess Very Merry Cherry Was Divinely Inspired by Shao'Kehn

By Pope Fay The Faintly Saintly Dainty

and Princess Very Merry Cherry

 

Being an excerpt from The Crappy Book Of Bull Shit.


Ye Olde Moderne Daye Pictyre of thee Princess

 

Book: "Princess Very Merry Cherry, Younger Sister of a Queen," Chapter 1

 

1. For six days and six nights after Pope Fay's enlightenment (or perhaps it was longer, I can't remember), Princess Very Merry Cherry was still a regular Mundane like everyone else.

 

2. One night, when cans of Cream of Celery Soup were stalking about in the Royal Garden, the Princess was frightened by the sound of many mumbling mice in the moonlight. So, fearing that the worlds of Dr. Seuss had come to life, she wandered outside in her finest gown made of silver cotton, and went out into the woods.

 

3. While there, she saw a white rabbit running very fast, mumbling to himself about being late. She followed him (as she was quite fond of rabbits) and hopped down the rabbit hole after him.

 

4. Whereupon she found, upon hitting the bottom, a table. Upon this table were two bottles, one said, "Enlightenment," the other said, "Un-enlightenment." Not wanting to be un-enlightened, the Princess drank the first one, which tasted like prune juice and smelled like dog doody.

 

5. Immediately afterward, she shrunk to the size of a pea. She was then chased by Saint Gulik (a cockroach) into a little doorway. After going in, she found a strange coffee-party. The Mad Hatter (who was Pope Fay) was the host, and the other people at the party were Prince Mu-Chao, Yughi the Crazy, Prophet of Cod, and a strange cat whose head disappeared when it smiled.

 

6. She raised her hand, and asked where she might find the white rabbit. Only Yughi the Crazy answered, saying "Riddle me this, riddle me that, why is a bunny in a hat? He went that-a-way." He pointed in one direction, so she went that way.

 

7. After six days and six nights, she finally found a courtyard where the Queen of Hearts was ordering people around a giant chess board. Princess Very Merry Cherry looked at the Queen of Hearts, and saw that it was Shao'Kehn. Shao'Kehn ordered the Princess to move to b3 and capture a knight. When the Princess wouldn't move, Shao'Kehn said "Off with her head!" Whereupon the Princess said, "But Pope Fay is my older brother!"

 

8. Hearing this, Shao'Kehn said in Captain Picard's voice, "Belay that order." Then She grabbed the Princess's chin and said, "You mean, My beloved Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty, who told the world about Me?" The Princess replied, "Yes. I am T--" "I know your name, Dear One. Your name is Princess Very Merry Cherry."

 

9. Upon hearing this, the Princess said, "What?" Shao'Kehn said, "I am the Queen of Hearts. You are the princess. Since a deck of cards has no princess, you are Princess Very Merry Cherry." Whereupon the Princess said, "Oh."

 

10. For six days and six nights, Shao'Kehn and the Princess played Sink, while Shao'Kehn began the process of enlightening Pope Fay's younger sister, to make her a Discordian of much ilk.

 

11. At the end of that, Shao'Kehn said, "When those dammed grab their cleavers and attack Beaver Cleaver, the woodchuck says, 'Ahoy!' Do you believe that?" And Princess Very Merry Cherry has been trying to understand that ever since.