Which leaves little to the imagination and more to be desired
Being Repeatedly Channelled (updated) by The Insane Freak, Djair Highest and Mightiest Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty--Omni-impotent Omniscent Poophead Royale, Keeper of the Sacred Catma of Shao'Kehn, Bringer of Ho-hum News, Determiner of Inherent Worth, And Grand High Poobah in Charge of Keeping the Golden Candleabra of the Blorgian Shnorg.
Pope Fay is also the founder of The "People From Other Planets" League of Nations, and The Shoikinistic Cabal of Eris By Other Names (TSCOEBON). Also, djai is not the person in the picture you see.
WARNING: RATED NC-17, NO NUDITY BUT SOME ODD LANGUAGE. PARENTAL GUIDANCE RECOMMENDED UNLESS YOU FIGURE THERE'S NO POINT TO IT.
This work begat beginning: Prickle-Prickle, Chaos 39, year: 3168 (in Discordian years)
The Uproar of One Tentacle Clapping!
DEDICATED TO ALL THE OPPRESSED PEOPLE
IN BEVERLY HILLS!
AND TO MY WONDERFUL INSANE FAMILY, WHO MADE ME THE INSANE GOOFUS I AM TODAY! MAYEST THOU REAPEST THE REWARDS!!!
Children are sacred
In Trelli law (the law of my people--well, it's not really a law because there is no government, but everyone follows this law anyway) it is intense blasphemy to harm a child in any way--people harming a child intentionally and exiled to the wild to fend for themselves (an almost certain death). Anyone who does anything to a child without the child's consent is either ostracized or exiled, depending on the severity of the incident. And the most intense blasphemy, the one in which the Trelli will move completely out of charecter for, is child murder. Anyone who intentionally kills a child is arrested and fed to a Pit Plant with no means of defence. This has only happened three times since The Reformation.
The Dogma of Catma
some strange people (of whom I am related to) have said that "my karma ran over your dogma." This implies that karmas are very powerful and crush poor innocent dogmas under their wheels. But what they fail to realize is that karmas are noisy, pollute the air, and kill people. But of course, they're really pretty too. Unless you have a Ford. NOT A *FNORD*, A ***FORD***!!!
Now that dogma is dead, we can only assume that what is left is catma. Since cats are so intelligent that they make humans their utter slaves, it is safe to assume that the karma never ran over the catma. And cats are so cute, who would want to run over them?
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT CATMA IS NOT AN
WORD, BUT I'M HOPING MY IDEA OF IT IS ORIGINAL.
JUST PROVES THERE'S NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN.
So what is catma? Why, it's the opposite of dogma. What is dogma?
Dogma is loud, noisy, stinky, dangerous, and pees on fire hydrants. Dogma barks
commands at you, wakes you up in the night, makes you feel guilty, and is
controlling. Therefore, catma is the opposite. Catma is quiet, clean, furry,
safe, and cute ... Catma is the kind of belief that curls up in your lap and
purrs, looks at you with adorable eyes, meows softly when it wants you to do
something, and is warm and furry. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy. And it uses
the litter box.
This put here just because she's hot:
THIS TOO SHALL
Everything passes. Football players pass, poop passes, trains pass. Some things are passed, like gas, footballs, and hot potatoes. Other things resemble things that are passed. For example, Charlie Brown's head resembles a football, politicians resemble feces, and the male "member" resembles a train. Say "member" five hundred times and try not to laugh.
The "People From Other Planets" League of
The Shoikinistic Cabal of Eris By Other Names (TSCOEBON)
Earth is just one tiny grain of sand on The Long-Ass Beach of
Existence, and Eris has been all up and down that beach, stomping on everyone.
We are just one planet tucked away in a minute crevass in a far-off corner of a
backwoods galaxy, which is just one galaxy among many dozens of huge galaxies.
Our galaxy is the dorky kid in glasses with no upper-body strength, and the
other galaxies are the jocks and bullies. If it weren't for Eris, we'd have had
our asses beaten to primordial goo by now.
Which just goes to prove that Eris is everyone's Goddess, no matter what planet you're from. (And the chances of us being the ONLY halfway-intelligent species in the universe are slim to none.) And since some of us speak Greek, others English, some speak Gibberish, and still others on the planet Shnozz speak Booger, Eris is not going to be known as Eris by all people. I myself (Pope Fay), having reincarnated to Earth after living on a planet in the M-33 Galaxy called Traipah, knew Eris in those past lives as Shao'Kehn= Goddess of Chaos, Confusion, and Protection. I still call Her that. Oh, and my people were hermaphrodites.
The Christian God is called God, The Father, Da Man, Jesus Christ, Jehovah, Yahweh, etc... So too a normal human being has their given name, their various nicknames, the shorter names spoken by people who find their names too long without the shortening, pet names, and aliases. Similarly, Eris is known by many names. She was Discord to the Romans, Oya to the Africans, Shao'Kehn to my people the Trelli, and Fah-griii'nah-gahtz Bloop-shnog by the residents of the planet Shnozz.
This is why The "People From Other Planets" League of Nations has come up with a new Discordian Cabal, The Shoikinistic Cabal of Eris By Other Names. (TSCOEBON)
Shao'Kehn: The Myth of Shao'Kehn
Anyway, Life's real name was Grah'Bahn. Stuff happened.
Eventually, since Krainah (Time) had wandered off, and Her options of
relationships being very limited, and Moiulainas Taybahliss still recovering
from giving birth, Grah'Bahn got Herself knocked up by Herself and eventually
gave birth to Ahndahn (Organization and Sex, but keep reading). Ahndahn and
Grahbahn eventually made sweet love, and Thurr was born to Grah'Bahn. Other
Deities were born, Creation was expanding as a result of Their actions. After
that, Ahndahn went out to find Her destiny.
It happened that The Heart of The Chaos was threatening to destroy Creation (Shao'Kehn was just mad that She hadn't been mentioned yet) that the Deities were making, and none of Them could calm it down. (Apparently it was a New York cab driver). So eventually, just like the puny kid named King Arthur pulled Excalibur from the stone, Ahndahn jumped into The Heart of The Chaos and struggled, fighting against it for 69 days and 69 nights. After that, Shao'Kehn finally gave Herself form, being exhausted from the struggle, and yelled out that She would never be calmed down. They fought each other for another 69 days and 69 nights. At the end of that time, they had fallen madly in love with each other, and the went to The 24-Hour Church of Elvis to get hitched. As a result of Their marriage, Chaos (Shao'Kehn) and Organization (Ahndahn) are now inseperable--it now impossible to have total Organization or absolute Chaos (Wall Street comes close, though.)
It then later came to be that the first Master (Totally Enlightened Being) was born, and with that person's birth and enlightenment came Kohraindehr, Deity of the All. It was then revealed that all Deities were part of Kohraindehr all along, and that Shao'Kehn-Kohraindehr had made Everything--all Ahndahn had done was open the door and set Her free to stomp around Creation. You horny old fool, I know you wanted them to be Mother and Daughter--incest turns you on, doesn't it!?! ADMIT IT!!!
'Tis Truth, as surely as 1+1=2
The Universe was made in six days by God, it evolved from the Big Bang.
In the beginning there was Nothing, and somehow God was there. Perhaps it was
because he was a Great Big Nothing? In the Beginning there was Nothing.
Then it exploded. 1 (---an endnote)
Matter can be neither created nor destroyed. Energy, too.
So where the heck did God come from? God spelled backwards is Dog.
God preaches Dogma. Dogma was run over by Karma. So even if God made the
universe, He's dead. Someone said, "God is dead," but I can't spell his name.
The Universe was made by Catma. Catma always was, is, and will be.
Catma is eternal. She is known by many names, like Eris and Shao'Kehn, or Cuddles.
The universes are Catma's kittens. They were pooped out (born), they grew up,
and they're growing old.
Eventually, Catma will eat Her kittens and give birth to them again.
She says that Nothing can *not* be made into Something. She is forever.
Catma was not made, She just Is. No beginning, no end.
Just a middle, like a circle.
A very big, sagging middle.
Both Creation AND Evolution are true.
There is only one Great Mystery left now: who is the father?
Vampires suck. Vacuum cleaners suck. Therefore, Vampires are
Things that are cut:
1. Slack 3. Butter 2. Sandwiches 4. Mustard 5. Feces
THE LAW OF CHAOS AND ORGANIZATION NUMBERS
Many DISCORDIANS are under the silly notion that FIVE is the/a number of Chaos. It is quite clear to me that FIVE is an ORGANIZATION number. Observe: If you line the numbers up, one will be the exact middle (fulcrum) on which an equal number of numbers is on either side of the fulcrum. This makes an ORGANIZATION number. 1 2 3 4 5. See? So 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and so on are CHAOS numbers. NOT FIVE!!!
The Sacred Vulva of the Goddess
Misnomer: Something that is false but
thought to be true.
Famous misnomers: Marijuana is worse than tobacco, sex is bad, sharks are bloodthirsty, and the lips of a woman's "southern region" are called the vagina. In reality, that fleshy area is called the vulva, and the vagina is the cavity inside that leads to the uterus. Believe me, I know these things.
The Vulva of The Goddess
"Sitting Pretty"--Art print by Laurie Snow Hein
"All Is One" Forum for Religious and Spiritual tolerance.
Link to my web site.
I am Yahgahn! Koh Soh La Kohrain.
Them Durned Xians!
What to do about the fundamentalist type Christians who feel they
have to preach at everyone to believe as they do? It's quite simple, really...
PREACH BACK! Their beliefs include the statement: "Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you," and they're always preaching at people, so they must
want to be preached at too, or otherwise they wouldn't be preaching!!! So the
next time you run into some Christian who starts preaching at you, preach back!
Here are some tips for getting the most out of this exchange of good feeling, so
your Christian friends will smile and appriciate what you're doing for
1. Always make sure to have what appears to be a book titled "The Holy Bible" (but is actually a book with notebook paper in it) around with you. When a Christian preaches at you, argue with something contrary spoken in ye olde Englishe, while thumping your false Bible. Say, "I know I'm right, cuz the good book of the L'ard tald may so!" Be really exited when you say that--imagine you're a Southern tele-vangelist meeting God in person for the first time. If they doubt what you say, or have suspicions that you're lying, just spit a Bible name and numbers out, like, "Revelations 14:3, lines 63 through 69."
2. Before they have time to look up your made-up Bible passage, deliver to them a lengthy sermon, highly charged with emotions, about the evils of their ways and how they'll burn in hell if they don't repent. Tell them they have to have faith! Make sure to use really shaky logic and many references to the rewards of believing your Truth, and the consequences of their misguided notions. Tell really emotional stories, real or made up, about people who were dying and bedridden who found strength in your Truth, and were cured and started dancing around in celebration. Shout hallelujahs very loudly.
3. If they tell you that you're full of bullshit, insist very firmly that God works in mysterious ways, and we just have to have faith and believe whatever God tells us, so we can get into Heaven.
4. If they persist, begin telling vividly detailed stories about the horrs of hell and eternal damnation. Don't forget to mention souls tortured by flames and burning, and tell them to imagine the over-powering smell of burning human flesh as people writhe in agony just because they believed the wrong Bible passage.
5. If they still aren't convinced, shake your head sadly and say, "Tsk, tsk. What a shame. I shall pray for you."
6. They may pretend to be extremely pissed off or offended, but in reality, they will be thankful that you took the time to try to get them to see the error of their "heathen" ways.
Jophwaan Island, Traipah's
Once a jewel, it has died,
Wisdom spoken paid no heed,
And we cannot take back the deed,
Had they listened, it would be here,
But it is dead just as was feared,
Remember that when next you doubt
Wisdom that is given out.
--Trelli "nursery" rhyme.
My Theories of where the Dark Matter up and left
The Dubious Book of Waz (that's a link), another Discordian book by a fellow Discordian, brought up the question of Where The Dark Matter Up and Left To. For the people who ain't heard of Dark Matter, scientists say that there is more matter in the universe than can be seen, and they call this unseen matter Dark Matter. (Dark Matter 'cause it's dark, get it?)
The Dubious Book of Waz had the theories of: 1. Hot dark matter theory, 2. Warm, Furry dark matter theory,
and 3. Cold dark matter theory.
1. The Idiot Theory states that the missing Dark Matter is made almost entirely of Idiots, who are very dense, but don't look dense (usually). This could also explain why California is sinking into the ocean, because aside from Silicon Valley, Discordians, and Emperor Norton, they have the largest population of Idiots in the US. Oh, and Buffy is smart too.
2. The Religious Fundamentalist (Fundy) Theory states that the missing Dark Matter is made almost entirely of "Fundies," who are much more dense than Idiots. Osama Bin Laden, Reverend Jerry Fallwell, Represenative Bob Barr, President George W. Bush, and most of the people who hang out at The Adult Christian Forum at http://www.delphiforums.com/ (a cool site) are good examples of Fundies.
3. My final theory is The "It's There and We Just Can't See It" Theory states that the Dark Matter is just hiding where we can't see it.
"There once was a goofus in DC,
Who used a mug for his pee-pee,
He pissed in his mug,
Then looked awful smug,
And drank it all down in three-three!"
--CBOBS, Biography of George W. Bush 4:1
A Joke in Poor Taste but Good Humor
One day, President George W. Bush was out walking after he'd snuck out of the White House. Walking on the other side of the building ahead of him was a christian fundie who was having some problems in his life, and was praying to God for a sign. Just as the fundie turned the corner and saw the President, a large amount of gasoline fell out of a window and landed on the Mr. Bush, followed by a cigarette that flew out of the window of a passing car, setting President Bush on fire. The fundie saw this, his eyes widened, and he looked to the sky shouting "THANK YOU, GOD, FOR THIS SIGN!!!
Dull minds, like dull knives, ensure only death.
Minds, like knives, should be sharp, bright, and polished.
When caught between a Pit Plant and a high cliff, choose the lesser of two dangers.
Throw resources in the trash, and you are throwing civilization's future in the trash.
Evil, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
The Divine paints with all the colors of the palette.
When faced with mutual danger, inter-personal conflict is a sure death.
A closed mind against the world is as effective as a rubber knife against a predator.
Trust is the glue that holds society together.
"When I think of people who blindly conform to any norm without question, I
can't help but picture them as lemmings."
--Ambassador Bahruven Ehkvenis
Love is a light that can pierce inner darkness.
Disaster can be a great source of unexpected wisdom.
END OF FIRST "PAGE" GO
1= No, Gypsyspirit of the Christianity versus the Darkness forum, I will not give you credit for saying, 'In the Beginning there was Nothing. Then it exploded.' Even though you did. Or perhaps I will...
My Other Site
Table of contents of TBOSSSI (if thou darest)