"The Collective Mind of Eris' Children."

Being a Scripture of Much Ilk

By Really Cool People


In Memory of David Leggatt, AKA Chaoswitch.

He is partying with The Goddess now.


Click this link for the “More Confusing” version (that is, the original Delphiforums thread where we all pitched our efforts. Much confusion and humour to be seen, that version beats this one by a thousand points or more. Go see it!)





1. And Eris/Shoikin sayeth to Pope Fay, "Here is a sentence, make it into an acronym: YOU CAN'T STOP THE WAVES, BUT YOU CAN LEARN TO SURF.  JON KABAT-ZINN"


2. Whereupon Pope Fay didst sigh, and sayeth thus:


"Yesterday Often Understood Crap And No-one Thought Some Taliban Offals Piloting The Huge Engined Whatchamacallits Are Very Evil. Soon, Because Ugliness Tries--Yes, Offal Undermines--Craziness And Nastiness Lives, Evil And Righteousness Never Think Overmuch, So Until Religion Finds Joy Or Nonviolence, Killing And Blowing-up Are Tools Zealots Increasingly Need, Nina."


3. Whereupon Eris/Shoikin didst say, "My name is not Nina."





4. From the land of Albion, far to the East came a Chaoswitch riding a Bull Merino, and he did overhear the discussion twixt Fay and the Goddess.


5. He greeted the Goddess, 'Fnord' and she did respond in kind.


6. 'Surely, Bright Lady' he did say unto her, 'Your name is whatever you wish it to be?'


7. The Goddess thought for a moment, 'Tis so, Chaoswitch, great is your wis-dumb.' And she did turn unto Fay and did say 'My name _is_ Nina! How shall this be celebrated?'


8. Just then, there was a crack of thunder, and the heavens themselves did rend asunder. All three looked to the sky as the Discordian Saint Belushi descended.

St. Belushi did spake thusly 'Toga Party!'





9. and so were the tie died togas given unto all that had assembled


10. and they didst feast upon Spam and other processed foods until one child shouted


11. "Where's the beef! For I thought this wast to be a barbeque, and thou canst not have a barbeque without hamburgers."


12. And the assembled looked dumbstruck, for that in truth is what they were.


13. Until Nina didst pass out the hotdoge to be roasted upon the sticks.


14. "Whyfor hast thou not given us buns for these thy hot dogs?" asked a man who was promptly smote.





15. Chaoswitch addressed the smoking bones with a voice like thunder, that didst carry unto the assembled multitude, 'Fie upon thee for a rennish knave, sirrah, dost thou not know that a Discordian shall partake of no hot dog buns, for such was the solace of our Goddess when She was confronted with The Original Snub!'

16. He turned to Nina, 'ALL HAIL ERIS, ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!'


17. Nina raised an eyebrow, 'Doesn't he get carried away?', She said to Fay


18. Suddenly, great fear and confusion fell upon the multitude, as from the nearby hamlet, the dreaded Prior Falwell appeared with his followers.

Nina turned to Chaoswitch, 'Who is this..person?' and Chaoswitch shrugged, 'Some say he is a holy man..' he said

'Others say he is a shithead' spake Fay.





19. The face of the Prior didst go through hideous contortions and did turn many different shades as he took in the scene before him.

20. 'A party', he eventually stammered 'People wilfully enjoying themselves and having fun, I will not have it, I will not have it!' and falling to the ground he beat his fists upon the earth, and did begin frothing at the mouth, all the time screaming 'I will not have it!'


21. And Chaoswitch did turn unto Nina, 'Who gets carried away?' he said


22. And Nina did reply, 'I feel he should be, and kept away from sharp objects too.'


23. As if upon some signal, the followers of the Prior did begin to sing some xtian dirge, in order that might convert the Children of Eris, who did respond with yawns and gestures of an intimate nature.


24. Now among the assembled multitude was one Hernes Arrow, a follower of the Wiccan faith, who didst enjoy hanging with Discordians. Lustily, he too began to sing, a refrain well known to the assembled Discordians;


25. Onward christian soldiers,

Onward Buddhist priests.

Onward fruits of Islam,

Fight till your deceased.

Fight your little battles,

Join in the thickest fray;

For the greater glory,

Of Dis-cord-i-a.

Yah, yah, yah,

Yah, yah, yah, yah.



25. At this, a follower of the Prior didst rush forward, with harmful intent, when suddenly, he found himself on the business end of a nocked arrow in a longbow wielded by Hernes Arrow, who was smiling the smile of a Komodo Dragon with dyspepsia. The follower tried to rally, 'If you kill me, 10,000 more will take my place!'


26. Hernes Arrow's smile widened 'T'is not the point, spawn of a lesser god, the point is, thou'll be dead!' and he didst raise an eyebrow in a most enquiring fashion.


27. Pale, the follower went sheepishly back to his comrades, in search of some clean underroo's.





28. The Prior got to his feet, and began to televangelise to the supreme indifference of the Children of Eris.


29. And Chaoswitch did make a gesture of squeezing, and the Prior did gasp and fall to his knees. Chaoswitch spake thusly, 'I find your lack of faith disturbing!'

And the Prior did roll around, clutching his 'nads and squealing like unto a little bitch.


30. And Nina did tut and she spoke thusly to Chaoswitch, 'This bickering is pointless. Chaoswitch, release him!'

And Chaoswitch shrugged, 'As you wish.' Nina raised her arms to the sky and performed a strange dance, like Britney Spears on LSD, there was a flash of light, of colours not usually part of the spectrum.


31. Afterwards, none of the Children of Eris were quite sure what became of the Prior and his Followers, but there were very fine sheep in that part of the land ever after.


32. And Chaoswitch's Bull Merino celebrated in his own special way.





33. And Pope Fay didst look at Chaoswitch and say, "Now that that is taken care of, I must do something." Whereupon she stood on a picnic table and said, "SPAM IS EVIL! DOST NOT EATEST OF THE SPAM! And look forward to my re-write of the New Testament, to be made into a Discordian scripture called The New Testa-mint, to tell about the TRUE story of Yeshuah Ben Yosef, AKA Jesus Christ!"


34. And Jesus didst moan like a dying drunkard, and walked over the pool to sulk in the corner and drown his sorrows with alcohol. And he said, "Think of something original, Fay!"


35. Whereupon Nina turned on the music and started doing what looked like a cross between the lombada and the Macarena, if such were done by a drunk woman lacking fine motor skills.


36. And again the party wast interrupted, for Reverend Hinn came in preaching hellfire and death and sin, not realizing that there was a man with his penis up Mr. Hinn's butthole.


37. And Pope Fay, not noticing him, majikally turned all the Spam and meat into soy "meat." And no one noticed the difference.


38. And Pope Fay, "On the planet Schnozz, Eris' name is Fah-griii'Nah Bloop-Schnog. So She can be Nina if She wants."


39. And Reverend Hinn did spit and say "Blasphemer! You will go to Hell!"

Pope Fay tipped her Pope hat to Mr. Hinn and said, "I shall see you there, then, Mr. Hinn."



(Chaoswitch and HernesArrow)


40. At the sight of another Televangelist, Hernes Arrow reached for his quiver, muttering "Praise the Horned Lord, and pass the



41. But Chaoswitch did lay a restraining hand upon Hernes Arrow's shoulder, "No, my good friend," And stroking his Gerald beard, Chaoswitch did smile, "I have a better idea."


42. And from a pocket in his eyewateringly coloured cloak he did

produce five plastic cards, that assembled into a geometric shape.

Hernes Arrow was aghast, "You can't be serious!" The cards began to spin, and then vanished altogether.


43. Nina did turn to the two, and she did say, "What are you two

subversives up to?"

And Chaoswitch did reply, "Calling in some back up, lady." And he did smirk in a most obscene manner.


44. A rent appeared in local Space/Time and from it came five of the Seven Sorcerers of Sussex:- Wyld Huntsman,

Dr. Filth, Mr.Miasma, Ms. Plum and Mr. Bong!

Spotting their comrades, they went into a

huddle, whispering furiously.


45. Eventually, they turned to the Reverend Hinn, grinning. "Benny Hinn" said Ms. Plum "Only one letter from..."

"Concentrate" said Dr. Filth, "We must be one."

And the Seven Sorcerers did close their eyes.


46. Reverend Hinn began to twitch, he felt his hand raise itself to

his forehead, and his tongue protrude.

On his head there appeared a beret!

Befuddled, Fay turned the Sorcerers, "One letter from...?"

"BENNY HILL!" they responded and all did fall about laughing.

The Reverend Hinn vanished into the distance at triple speed,

humming a crazy tune.





47. And at the sight of HernesArrow's quiver, Pope Fay began to quiver, and wanted a restraining hand placed on her shoulder as well, since ChaosWitch was so HOT!


48. And Pope Fay, waking up, didst realize that she knew who Benny Hill was all along, as her father has many of his tapes.

"I also know of Red Skelton," spake she.


49. And politicians who used to be comedians, or still are, often have Red Skeltons in their closet.


50. And thereupon didst Sparhawk of Elenia, a black-armored Pandion Knight, suddenly appear with Bhelliom, looking around all confused and stuff.

"Where art we, Blue-Rose?" spake he.


Whereupon spake he, in tones of fury, "I said to go to a place of mirth, NOT a place called Earth!"

"Ex-cuuuuuse ME!" quoth the Blue-Rose called Bhelliom, using Pope Fay to speak through. "Just because thou art Anakha dost not give thou the right to be so mean to me!"

"Just take us back to Matherion."

Whereupon the two disappeared back unto the land of fiction.

And lo! David and Leigh Eddings waxed sorely pissed, for Sparhawk is copyrighted.





51. And on the fifth day of the fifth month of the fifth year did all drink from a fifth and be Merry. . .until Merry was angered at so many people impersonating him that he spake thus: "If you must be Merry-like, then make your Merriment sacred and sublime. And it was so.


52. And did the Lady bless Merry for his wisdom by bestowing upon him a golden frognob, on which the words "To the Merriest one" did appear. And it was good.


53. A pearl of great price is worth many beers, a pearl of wisdom is wasted on the youth. The youth is wasted on the pearls of many beers. Beer is a blessing beyond words.


54. Avarice is akin to advice, too much of either is more than enough. Enough is enough, shall we make more of nothing and enough of more than nothing which is something far greater than enough.


55. Thou shalt keep the number five holy, as it is the number of letters in the word FNORD, and is especially odd for it has many uses. Odd that five is greater than four but less than six, but equally odd is that seven eight nine. Remember to keep five holy.


56. Remember thou dost have a holy obligation to see the chaos in order, order chaos with fries, and see that no good deed goeth punished, unless it relates to really good sex, beer, or money. Remember to always never check references when planning futile acts of random silliness. So mote it be.





57. Mystified, the Multitude did look around as if to ask, 'What in

the blue hell just happened?' And Fay did put their minds at ease by explaining, "It's a side effect of all the Chaos Magick floating

around in this vicinity."


58. "For is it not well known that the skilled Chaos Magickian can

invoke characters from fiction?"

Chaoswitch did groan audibly, "I wish you hadn't mentioned that."

From the throats of Multitude there did come cries petitioning for

the invocation of certain characters including Daphne from Scooby-Doo, Prof Frank N Furter, Pocahontas and Wilma Flintstone.


59. And Hernes Arrow did single out the penultimate petitioner and told him "Go poke yer own 'Hontas, bub."

Spake Chaoswitch, "Quiet! Or I'll call up Barney the Dinosaur!"

And a great silence fell upon the Multitude, "We'll be good" they

murmured as one.

"Couldst thou manage Marge Simpson?" said Wyld Huntsman

And Hernes Arrow did turn unto him, "You sick puppy!" he responded.





60. And Pope Fay didst think hard, and spake she, "If I canst invoke characters from fiction, methinks I shall invoke Aphrael, Child Goddess of Sparhawk's realm, for she doth have a funny personality, and is not REALLY a child, she doth merely takest the form of such.


61. And with that, it wast so. And the Child-Goddess didst say, "HEY! We're in the middle of trying to defeat Cyrgon! He's just unleashed Klael!"

And spake Pope Fay, "Indeed, Divine One, I dost knoweth this already. That ist why I have called thee, in fact. I canst call upon the forces at mine disposal an, as it please Thee, defeatest the foul creature."

Aphrael rolled her eyes and spake she, "Oh puh-leeze! Stop talking in that archaic dialect."

"An it please thee, Divine One."


62. And Pope Fay didst leave, and get there, all aflutter with anticipation, and then she didst see Klael. Afeared, she hesitated. Then called forth she a Boom elemental above Klael.


63. When the smoke cleared, no trees were left standing. The space where Klael had been was as if a meteor had struck. But Klael wast still there, roaring like an angry demon.


64. And Pope Fay didst run away back unto her own world, afeared for her life, and hid under her bed.


65. And lo! Show mote it bee.





66 And the Divine Mystical Oracle spake of the prophecy of Oranges blossoming on the last Tuesday of the Fifth month of the 25th year of the coming of the Great Pumpkin, and it was all in tongues.


67 "Let it be so!" spake the Oracle, as she prostrated herself gracefully before the Divine Duck of the Matterhorn. And BEHOLD, a great light appeared, and the Goddess danced with the Divine Duck before it made its cosmic flight. And the glorious, stupendous, mystical, and wondrous event was set to motion.


68 Meanwhile, the Hysterical Penguins were unknowingly waddling to their doom, as they had realized that, although they were birds, they would never be able to fly like the Divine and Cosmic Duck. They drowned their sorrows in beer and kipper snacks wondering why anyone would bother with a bird that can swim but can't fly.


69 Then, behold, a great boon was realized when the Mysterious Pontoon of Perpetual Pernicious Partygoers was out of ice cubes and visited the Hysterical Penguins to gather some more. They offered to take the Penguins with them on their Party Cruise to Knowhere and the Penguins, in their highly emotional and depressed state, agreed.


70 The Mysterious Pontoon of Perpetual Pernicious Partygoers and Hysterical Penguins thus sailed onward on its Maiden voyage through shark infested waters dodging icebergs and irritating salesmen spreading the exaltation of chaos far and wide. And it was good.





71. And Shoikin plopped un-gracefully to the ground, pulled Pope Fay out from under the bed, and told the Penguins that they were beautiful, and that they had been given the ability to fly in the water so as to make the birds of the air jealous.


72. And lo, the Penguins smiled and laughed, and Her praise went to their heads. They didst erect a shrine to Her glory, and bought waterproof versions of the Principia Discordia and other wholley texts.


73. Once upon a time, there was a Fnord in a fjord driving a Ford he stored with a board and praise Lord that the Lady is out shopping for ribbons to put on her kittens to go with their mittens and boy was She smitten with the Cthulhu She'd bitten and so it was written that all of the time so many rhymes would henceforth be the way (all night and all day) that all people would speak---in tongues and eat lungs while rhyming with dung they joyously hung on the ladder rung--and hence it was sung from the tallest of trees while down on their knees that chaos is free and order costs money my honey (would you like fries with that order?)


74. But of course, no one listened. They never do.


75. And lo! The Goddess was sorely irritated. She loved to talk in weird ways. Why didn't people do that too?

      "I think it's because most people aren't creative enough to talk that way," said Pope Fay, finally over her scared-ness, but still looking around the room in a frightened way.

      "Well it doesn't take creativity to speak the way I'm speaking now do you like the way I'm talking I love it do you love it I'll be sad if you don't love it do you love it please tell me you love it please?"

      "Yeah, I like it. But again, most people aren't creative enough to do that, either."

      She stared blankly at Pope Fay. "Who made these boring people anyway?"

      "No one. We evolved from chimpanzees."

      "Ah. That explains it. Chimpanzees fling poop at each other, they're violent (except for the Bonobo chimps, they're the hippy love-not-war folks of the chimp world), and they stink."

      "Ah, but they're cute!"

      "Only until one tears your arm off."


76. Then came Jesus of Nazareth, getting semen all over the floor. And lo! He didst turn red with embarrassment when everyone looked at him.


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