~ ~ ~

“Collective Minds of Eris’ Children”

Page SEVEN

~ ~ ~

 

 

Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)

411. And Thus was Lord Random sitting in the Chaos Bar and Grill on the corner of Yin Avenue and Yang Street, when in walked a cat.

412. This was no ordinary cat, and though she often complained about the implied ownership of her name, she was known as Schrodinger's Cat.

413. For anyone who doth believe a cat can be owned is sadly deluded, and this is the way cats prefer it. For it is far easier to avoid responsibility by allowing others to believe they are your keepers. This keeps them from having to earn their keep in any meaningful way (They offer up the occasional dead bird or mouse as a symbolic gesture, but make no mistake, they are fully in charge of any situation). Cats may then maintain their lives in the manner which befits their royal status: eat, sleep, and play.

414. Schrodinger's Cat hath always been an inigma. For she remains in a constant state of quantum flux, neither fully alive, nor fully dead. For nobody seems to want to check on her status. (Her gender is a direct representation of the fact that females of all species are far less predictable than males, this is the reason the revered Goddess is also female). Thus does Shrodinger's Cat have the ability to move through solid objects at will, as well as move backwards and forwards through that which is known as time. Additionally, she can talk as plain as day, change her form at will, and is one of the most respected lambada dancers in the entire Multiverse.

415. Schrodinger's Cat was batting about a ball of crumpled aluminum foil (it amuses them to keep their audience enthralled thusly) when she happened to spot Lord Random drinking his favorite: Irony on the rocks with a twist. Recognizing a "cat person" when she saw one, she slinked up against his leg and purred.

416. "What's a big hunk of catnip like yourself doing in a litter box like this" she asked.

"Just admiring the pussy." Lord Random Replied."

"And how does the pussy feel?" She asked.

"Soft, furry, and just the right hint of fish." He said.

"Wooh! You say the nicest things! Why don't you come back to my pad and be my cat toy for a while?" She said provokatively.

"CHECK PLEASE!" Lord Random cried.

417. And with those brave words, did Lord Random disappear into the Multiverse with Schrodinger's Cat, Yet another adventure with Lord Random more interested in pussy than in anything else.

 

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

 

418. Back when Pope Fay had cats, she had three. One day in a flash of Discordian inspiration, she said, "Three cats and still not enough pussy!"

 

419. Pope Fay's bookie then came in, being a book about Dark Paganism (working with the Shadow Self and so on), and was revealed to be an interesting read to say the very least. Inspiration? Here? You've got to be kidding, we're closed for the day. Take two readings of the Principia Discordia and call me In The Morning.

 

420. So In The Morning got up and danced the lobada and the limbo but NEVER the Macarena, for Macarena is where ultra-cabbages go after death, but only if dammed by In The Morning (Pope Fay). Which doesn't happen often, and one can always be undammed. Why all this dam damming stuff? Cuz Pope Fay likes beaver.

 

421. Beaver, cunt, pussy, twat, vagina, vulva, the sweet pot, The South Seas, bush, The Source of All Things, many are the names of the divine place from whence springs life being born and for whence penises spring to life.

 

422. And since one vulva is good, two is better. Lesbians are Grand High Saints worthy of worship. All lesbians should be hunted down, captured, and put on bed-thrones of gold with silk sheets. Worshippers by the millions would flock to the Temples of Lesbos, and there would be a Grand High Goddess of Lesbians named Ellen O'Donnell.

 

423. Lo! It was revealed that Pope Fay is tired, her inspiration running lo. Four-hundred-and-twenty-three wast claimed, then, In Her Honour. HAIL SHOIKIN! ALL HAIL THE MOTHER!!!

 

Herostratus (HEROSTRATUS)

 

Eris is so lovely
she really is quite great
I love that Eris muchly
My holy-poly mate.

ERis is so snazzy her body is divine
I don't know what to write on this nextest line

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

 

424. I laugh at your fun po-em,

     I smile at your jokes,

     I want to tell the world,

     Especially your folks,

     How great a poem it was,

     How famous you'll become,

     But I'm too busy masturbating,

     Oh Goddess, HERE I CUM!

 

425. That's all the wiz-dumb for today, boys and girls.

 

Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)

426. After contact with Schrodinger's Cat, Lord Random began to make sense of the universe for the first time, but quickly abandoned this line of thinking because wisdom dictates that too much sense is senselessness ini disguise.

427. Eventually Lord Random became tired with being a cat toy and decided to wander off on his own again. Thus did he run into Pope Faye's Bookie, who threatened to kneecap him if he did not pay up.

428. Not accustomed to being threatened, Lord Random whipped out a wet noodle and proceeded to beat the daylights out of the bookie, who yelped for mercy and got none in response. "That'll teach you to ask for money I don't owe you and never had!" Lord Random exclaimed as the bookie crawled out of the room.

429. And then did Lord Random consume generous quantities of black coffee for the hell of it and stay up all night eating twinkies and watching the X-Files marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. All was good.

430. And tomorrow was a new day. As all tomorrows are a new day but once they are here, they are no longer tomorrow, they are today and thus tomorrow is always a new day. Today is no longer new, and thus is an old day. Green day is a different matter all together.

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

 

431. Pope Fay’s bookie didst then come back to Pope Fay, and report the incident. And so, her wrath being mighty, Pope Fay rained down rotten eggs (since JHVH had used up all the sulphur that’s usually used for that purpose) on the last place Lord Random had been, which he was no longer at. And lo! It stunk mightily, and pissed off the pussy. (Pussy is pretty but pretty stinky when pissed.)

 

432. Then Shoikin cleaned up the stink, tore off Pope Fay’s clothes, and beckoned her to go outside at night, naked, in the pounding rain. So she did. The sensation was intense, and lasted in the cold, pounding rain for more than an hour.

 

433. That’s it for today, I’m afraid.

 

(HEROSTRATUS)

 

And Lo Herostratus Carroll Coates did get another message from Eris. She appeared in his bedromm stark naked. She was looking a bit rough, thick hair sprouted from her armpits and her pubic region looked a bit like a picture of the apostke Zarathud.

 

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

 

434. Lo! Pope Fay didst wonder why Herostratus didst not number hir inspirations, to further the linear pattern of this scripture, when just then it struck her like a ton of bananas that linear-ness was silly and made sense, when Discordian scripture is supposed to make NO SENSE.

 

435. She also didst wonder why Herostratus replied to such old messages instead of to the newest ones. But again, she was struck by that ton of bananas, and also by five tons of wax (since they had run out of flax).

 

436. Lo! Behold! There was dancing in the streets! Men didst lay with the beasts of the fields, some lay with the dogs, but others just let sleeping dogs lie. For it was revealed that lies are Truth and Truth a lie, you think I'm lying? Lie with me and I shall sell you no lyes. I would lyek it if ewe wood stop making pun of me!!! Puns are fun, pun-jabs funner. Pun-jab is Sihk, Sihk, Sihk!

 

437. And why all this lying and dancing and having pun? Lo! It was a celebration of the brainchild of Omar Ravenhurst and Malaclypse the Younger, a brainchild caused by a six-pack of beer apiece and a REALLY strange porno movie, for it stopped them from laying with the beasts of the fields and their brains layed with each other and lied. Layed they did and lied and came up with the Truth that was a lie and a lie that would birth Truth by impregnating truth, whose other name was Eris.

 

438. But all this was Destiny! For it all led up to one thing: Allowing Pope Fay to unleash upon the world the Goddess Shoikin. What more need be said than that?

 

439. Nothing else, silly. Now eat that inspiration up before the expiration date passes!

 

Herostratus

 

And Hcc did say, I have lost the count for I can count no more than five. And I can't ffind the end of this eternal loop and help me someone and.... and.... and, that's all.

 

Pope Fay (Fayanora)

 

440. And Pope Fay didst say, "This posting here is the end for the moment, find the end at other times by scrolling to the bottom of the page and finding the links that go to the rest of it (which those links are right under the 'keep reading' button. When you're at the end, the button will say 'next discussion'."

 

441. And from there, Pope Fay decided to go forth and lure Lord Random back here, so that she could capture him and tickle him into submission. Should be, then, a posting right after this one.

__

 

442. Pope Fay rolled down the hill as an egg, then hit the wall at the bottom. The egg cracked, and out hatched the crackpot named Pope Fay. She was naked as the day is long, and didst she then run forth unto the world, searching for Lord Random/Deus Ex Machina, so she could tickle him. For tickling is a tickling experience, and tickling too much is a sign of a person who is power-hungry and wants domination over the victim. So Pope Fay was hoping Lord Random would play a bondage/dominance game with her. Silly rabbit---dominitrix aren’t for kids!!!

 

443. Thereby it wast revealed that all this revealing was causing ideas younger and younger to reveal far too much of themselves and thereby get both attention and scorn unto their parents. Truth is an elusive mystery woman, but I pulled back the showercurtains of Reality and caught Truth while she was in the shower. Showers are like rain, so she rained down upon me screams and severe beatings. The moral of the story: The Truth hurts.

 

444. Thereby another reveal-ation was about to occur. For, having not learned from her experience with Truth, Pope Fay went into the Bedroom of Reality and found Ultimate Truth (Truth's sister) in bed by herself. Pope Fay tore off the cover of The Illusion, and caught Ultimate Truth naked and masturbating. Ultimate Truth having no modesty, though, She seduced Pope Fay, and the Pope fucked Ultimate Truth. I know something along these lines has been said already, and I don't care. It was so good we had candy cigarettes after the fact.

 

445. Thereby was it shown to Pope Fay by Shoikin's Divine Bumper Sticker that 30 minutes of begging is NOT considered foreplay. Or fiveplay, for that matter. I'll be left front out just a few minutes.

 

Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)

446. Alas, for Lord Random is only ticklish when someone surprises him. If he sees it coming, he would not feel it. This is ok though, because Pope Faye could just surprise him.

447. In utter amazement did Lord Random stumble upon perhaps the most bizarre thing he hath ever witnessed. Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Richards in the same room having an in depth discussion that nobody can understand but made total sense. The laws of physics are such that the combining of two utterly incomprehensibly strung-out old rock musicians in the same room babbling incessantly at one another is infinitely more improbable than being run over by a pregnant goose on Christmas while wearing a pink tutu in the rain.

448. Thus did the babbling continue for many hours, between them,  Ozzy and Keith solved all the world's major problems and even took a crack at the universe, but since nobody else could understand a fucking word they said, it mattered about as much as the price of cheese on any given day in Venezuela.

449. "Pour me another Irony on the rocks...aw to hell with it, just give me the damn bottle." Lord Random muttered.

450. With these brave words did Lord Random proceed to get smashed. The drunker he got, the more sense Ozzy and Keith made. He tried to write down what they were saying, but he pen the write he found with paper not working. The next morning Lord Random had a really bad headache and the nagging suspicion that something momentous happened the night before, but he was damned if he could remember what it was.

Pope Fay (FAYANORA)

 

451. That which makes little or no sense often makes no dollars either. But occaisionally, things that make sense by making no sense make more than cents or no cents by making dollars for their makers, such as the Principia Discordia.

 

452. And Pope Fay is sitting at the computer in hir jammies. Pink satin and lace jammies. Grrrrow!

 

453. Al Gore lies! *I* invented the Internet!

 

Azure Fox - Kitsune of Stuff (CAPTAPATHY)

 

466. Forsooth didst the Azure Fox ponder the truth of his youth, for it was that which most witheld his True Name and Address from the media. And he despaired verily, for the lack of ways to become wholly wasted.

467. And, ponderosa-ing this, he bethought: "What the fuck?! I don't need this shit! Whatever happened to the damn optimism of youth?"

468. He saw then that, though he was by most considerations underage, his mind found itself hyper, and he praised Eris for gifting the world with the blessing of ADD.

469. Then, spotting a marginally shiny object, he was disracted, and derailed his train of thought; thusly so did the train of thought crash on to the internet, startling some Onlyne Gamyrs, who spake so: "Train to zone! BBC 4 sale, 10pp! Lking 4 SoW!"

470. And so, there was a great abundance of flaming shrubbery, and Nazarene hippies, and talking snakes, and Apocalyptic mushroom-induced hallucinations. And the people, being confronted by these occurrences, some of them Eris-spawned and some otherwise, were confuzzled. And thusly, they called it religion, and there was much dissapointment among those who knew the truth.

471. And Eris didst speak:

472. "Shit, those idiots are gonna kill each other over this one day, I just know it."

473. Awakening from these visions, the Azure Fox was further enlightened, for the power wast out, and he wast late for school and very cold, as one will be in a Minnesota winter when one's power is out for a long period of time.

474. "Hail Eris," he didst try to mumble, but failed, for it was that early and he was tired.

475. And LO! the writings of Arthur Miller didst intrude upon his reverie, and Willie Loman didst despair at his madness. And he questioned of the teacher: "How many angels can dance on YOUR head?" But the teacher was dim, and did not Get It.

476. Now I digress. The Spanish Inquisition is the most infamous of all Inquisitions, the most well-know of which is that of the Spanish form. The Spanish Inquisition began in Spain, a Spanish country where Spanish is spoken, thus the name.

477. Thus is the drivel successfully passed of as homework.

478. And the Azure Fox didst look down, and exclaimed thus:

479. "I've got pants on!"

480. And the three hundred cheap monkeys didst rejoice and punch each other in the testicles. The Azure Fox laughed. They punched him in the testicles. He stopped laughing.

481. Eris, however, was laughing so hard she began to cry. And the multitude beheld, as her tears struck the earth, that at those points sprung from the very firmament a whorde of truly bizzare folk, and they spake of many things and behaved strangely, and called themselves Discordians.

482. This scripture is true because it is the divine springboard of Eris. This can be proven by the fact that this scripture holds it to be true.

483. And all were made dizzy, and stumbled as if intoxicated, by this display of circular reasoning. And a greyhound won the Triple Crown, for how can horses compete with a bus?

Deus Ex Machina (TANSTAAFL28)

484. Ahh Grasshopper, the Goddess has blessed many of us with a more direct understanding to the nature of discord. For it is revealed that Lord Random has been known by the term "AD/HD" and once its true nature was revealed, it has been a blessing, not a curse. Tis all a matter of perspective you see.

485. For we are the unique messengers of the Goddess herself, tasked with reminding all Greyfaces everywhere that life is unpredictable and spontaneous, and as much as they may not like it, that's the way it is, and they'd better stop scurrying about like rats on a sinking ship.

486. Often it is they, not us, who miss the point entirely and build institution after institution, edifice after edifice, Ozymandias once thought he would reign forever, and today his statue is nothing more than a crumbling pair of feet in a desert and nobody would ever know his name if it weren't for that Romantic poet, you know: What's His Name.

  I met a traveller from an antique land
 Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Blithe Shelley (A closet Discordian)

487. To dwell upon these things would be only to overstate the overstated obvious which eludes the grasp of most commonplace greyfaced individuals. The fortunes of love and war and the stock market and all things sane are but a wisp of time in the mind of a Goddess who patiently awaits the day when the world wakes up to realize that it had been dreaming of an "ordered universe."

488. For as all things are unpredictable and strange, unique, weird, wondrous, and completely baffling, we are all that way. To those who have the special talents of connecting directly with discord, this is a gift to be treasured, not squandered. Use the force for good my young Padawan learner, do not allow the greyfaces to tempt you over to the dark side and see your blessing as a curse.

489. For lo, life can be frustrating, difficult, and pretty danm annoying at times, but it is always interesting and never dull. Once properly understood and acknowledged, the power you posess are the keys to the universe and beyond. Thou must not forsake thy gift, nor shouldst thou squander it.

490. Alas, yet another proof of all things, I must go because my beloved is running "late" today. For she is one of those "clock watchers," who feels she must live by that infernal instrument, and I must allow myself to be carried along by the flows of time.

Azure Fox - Kitsune of Stuff (CAPTAPATHY)

 

491. Fear not, forsooth, the Azure Fox has a better grasp on his faculties than you seem to have observed. And the teachers and the Pricipal and the counselors and the secretaries and even the janitors - of whom is thought highly by those with their wits in their pockets and a cat on their head - are all provided with a convienient rubber grip, to aid in the grasping thereof.

492. Thus took place the revelations of Eris, as given to the Azure Fox on a Thursday when neither of them had anything better to do:

493. And lo! there was much cursing and wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the Discordians, and it was revealed that they were practicing for their newest play, "A Detailed Description of The Christian Heaven and Hell."

494. This Minnesota highway reference brought to you by the letter "¤".

495. Thereupon which they doffed their tormented appearances and donned their white robes and halos and picked up their harps. And as they begun to play, it was said that not only were none of them named Don (or Dawn), nor was there a single Italian mob boss amongst them.

496. And they soon tired of the charade, and tried to play "Bohemian Rhapsody" on a chorus of lyres.

497. Upon seeing this, the Azure Fox was greatly amused. Thusly didst his enlightenment continue.

498. Journeying on, the Azure Fox came upon a fundie troll. And there came a great roaring of the winds and thus came a clap of thunder; and so sayeth the Azure Fox: "Doorknob!"

499. Then didst approach a pair of small, white mice. And Behold! for one of the mice possessed a grotesquely large head, and they the both of them walked as if men.

500. Spake the one of normal skull: "Uh... Brain?"

501. And the malformed one didst produce in his hand a popsicle stick, and he didst smacketh his friend in the head with it, and the stick didst verily breaketh.

502. And he spake, and his voice was truly terrible to behear, like that of Leonard Malton with a head cold, and his words were thus:

503. "Quiet, Pinky. Can't you see I'm plotting?"

504. And the troll didst make as if to speak, and the Azure Fox didst mimic he who was called Brain, and the giant popsicle stick didst make a resounding crack upon the fundie's head. For it was clear that something of great import was about to pass, and the Azure Fox hates intteruptions.

505. And he of deformed skull, the one called Brain, mouse of great wisdom and intelligence, who walked as a man, didst speak:

506. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

507. The response, from the one who went by the name Pinky, which in truth is a nom de guerre, and who possesses unusually large front teeth, come to think of it, was as such:

508. "I think so, Brain, but... A religion based on The Goddess of Confusion? It is utter madness!"

509. In this, the Azure Fox saw much wisdom, and grew more knowledgeable in the ways of Discordianism, which is to say he now knew for sure significantly less. And, hearing this, the troll was greatly confused. So, the Azure Fox didst utter, "Hail Eris."

%!)> And the fundie, encountering the Azure Fox's true Discordian nature, was truly enraged. And he didst berate the Azure Fox muchly, questioning his beliefs and insisting that his soul was doomed to an eternity of fire and pain and hideous shades of pink.

511. The Azure Fox, being wise in the ways of contradictions, didst ask, "Why, praytell?"

512. And the troll, believing his victory wast near, exclaimed thusly: "Because God loves you!" Upon this exultation, he was filled with joy, for he felt he had made his point.

513. The forces of reality and chaos, seeing the idiocy and intolerance of this statement, caused above the fundie to materialize a sixteen-ton weight, and it didst verily crush the troll to goo, and there was much rejoicing.

 

 

NEXT PAGE

LAST PAGE

HOME