Lipinski 66.69

By Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty

AKA Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn

 

Being a chapter from the Shoikinistic Discordian Bible called

The Crappy Book of Bull Shit

 

And being a Shao'Kehn-inspired piece dedicated to many a thing,

which shall be revealed thusly.

 

May take a while to load everything, please give it time.

 

(Prologue)

Doesn't count toward the 6x6x6 layout of this

scripture--the prologue is not scripture.

 

1. Remember that in the Shoikinistic Discordian reckoning,

2. numbers like 2, 4, 6, 8, and so on are CHAOS NUMBERS,

3. and numbers like 1, 3, 5, 9, and so on are ORGANIZATION NUMBERS.

4. So unlike most Discordian scriptures set up in 5x5 or 5x5x5 ways,

5. This one is not. This one is six movements, six sub-movements (1:1, 1:2, 1:3, etc), and six sections (1. , 2. , 3. , etc) each.

6. That makes this Scripture a 6x6x6 (666) set-up. Which is not by accident. I chose 666 because Shao'Kehn is more than just Eris. Shao'Kehn is a lot like Eris, Oya, Gaia, Satan (by some Satanic reckonings), Kali, Shiva, and Hecate. She is light, but She is also dark. Shao'Kehn is The Mother, Shao'Kehn is The Beast. Remember that, and remember not to piss Her off.

��������������� It should also be noted that in much of the beginning, not much goes on. It's a metaphor for creation, though, and still funny as hell despite that. I could tell you where the fun really begins, but then you'd just skip to that part, and what would be the fun of that? You really do need to read the whole thing, start to finish, to know what's going on.

��������������� And make sure to read the endnotes.

����������������������������������������������� Now, on to the scripture=

 

 

Movement 1:1

Saint Tara Lipinski the Sexy Ice-Skating Goddess

and how she influenced Pope Fay

 

Saint Tara Lipinski, Our Lady of Perpetual Grace

 

1. One day, long before Pope Fay's enlightenment, the Pope (Fay) watched the Olympics, upon which was ice skating. And thereupon didst she soon spot a beauty like none other! This one wast small, graceful, and gorgeous enough to make the very sun turn green with envy and wax sorely jealous. (At least Fay thought so). And Pope Fay hast been in love ever since.

 

2. And lo! This love brought forth passion, and the passion brought forth tenacity, and the tenacity brought forth passionate fascination, and the passionate fascination didst bring forth obsession. And lo! Before one could spit, Pope Fay had over 100 different pictures of Tara Lipinski in her bedroom.

 

3. But verily, other things didst happen to put this obsession on the back burner. For greater than her love for the skater was a forbidden love, more than that I shall not speak. And lo! Pope Fay wast very depressed, and clinically so. Trouble was a-brewin'.

 

4. Yet lo! Pope Fay had lived a life on another planet in a previous life, and had begun to remember that life before this.1 The depression waxed sorely long, but in the end would spark an in-flood of memory, and lo! Had it not been for Our Lady of Strange Love and Protection, (Shao'Kehn--who wast native to this other planet as well) the Pope wouldst surely have been swallowed up by the flood in much the same way that ants in a flash flood are carried down stream.

 

5. And Our Lady Shao'Kehn didst hold out Her hand, and didst insist that Pope Fay take it. Pope Fay, needing such Divine Love, and having been an angry atheist for so long, took Shao'Kehn's Hand, and verily didst Shao'Kehn pull her up, and hold her to Her bosom, where the lonely, sad, and scared Pope Fay didst suckle at Her bosom and curl up in Her lap. The Goddess sang soothing lullabies.

 

6. And when Pope Fay didst wake up, she saw Shao'Kehn, and looked at Her. Pope Fay wast then struck by the Immense Beauty and Power of Our Lady Shao'Kehn, then only in Her mother-protector form. And Pope Fay didst open her mouth agape, and said, "Lo! I have seen the Divine, and She is beautiful and kind!" After which the two didst strike a conversation, and became deeply connected.

 

 

Movement 1:2, Shao'Kehn

The Horned Arch of Shao'Kehn

(Anyone who can think of a better name for it, mailto:fayanora@yahoo.com.)

 

1. Once Pope Fay recovered from the flood of chaos, despair, and hopeless love, she didst return to her obsession with Tara Lipinski, whose strength, drive, determination, and good attitude was uplifting to the Pope (as well as her hot body, grrrow! {Heh heh!})

 

2. And verily do we now worship Our Lady of Perpetual Grace, Tara Lipinski, as the Grand High Goddess-like Matron Saint of Hope, Inspiration, Courage, and Passion. (And Hot Looks, Kinky Fantasies, and Wet Dreams.)

 

3. Shao'Kehn watched and waited, as Her child recovered from the chaos of her earlier experiences. She waited for Fay to find peace in order, so she could later be ready to find peace in chaos.

 

4. Lo! Many a month did pass, in which the Pope got a girlfriend. They went out for a couple years, and the Pope didst think they would get married some day, when suddenly it was over, they were no longer going out.

����������� Ah well, fuck that, move on!

 

5. In that new chaos, a lesser chaos, didst Shao'Kehn's earlier introductions to Discordianism take root. After Pope Fay began to calm down, she didst go out of doors, and yell to the heavens, "Why can't I find peace in organization! Ahndahn, Mistress of Order, why don't you have the answer?"

 

6. It was then that many things did crash to the floor inside Fay's apartment, making much noise. This noise made the dogs in the neighborhood wax sorely pissed and bark. Cats meowed and screeched, cars vroomed by, and much chaos did ensue. 'Twas then that Enlightenment struck Pope Fay, at which the Pope began to laugh maniacally, for she had got it.

 

Movement 1:3, Shoikehnzah2

 

1. Verily didst Pope Fay's enlightenment then begin, and Fay became a Pope. More and more didst this new aspect of her spirituality grow, and continue it does. (Says Master Yoda). Prior to her Discordian enlightenment, she had conducted rituals nude, seriously, and formally. Now she does rituals (when it suits her) semi-nude, semi-seriously, and semi-informally.

 

2. But fuck all that, there's more that is more interesting. J

 

3. Verily does Pope Fay The Faintly Saintly Dainty have many powers. Ever since beginning to invoke Shao'Kehn's Knife for protection of objects and people, she has never since lost track of anything for longer than a few days. And she can perform miracles! In a city, she can see a green light a few minutes� drive away, and keep it green until after she drives past it. And alsoVerily didst she declare herself a Goddess and a Saint, yet one of many.

 

4. For Shao'Kehn has many ways of enlightening, and the beliefs of another religion of the planet Pope Fay was originally from didst play a part. For Yaenaan the Bringer of Light and Truth didst indirectly show her that all people are Deities in their own left.

 

5. And listen! It is the Left Hand of the Goddess Shao'Kehn that holds Her children (all of us) in Protection, and it is with the Right Hand that She STRIKES any who would hurt us with Her Knife. For verily, Shao'Kehn can be kind and beautiful, loving and motherly, and at other times She can be a fucking psycho. Or both.

 

6. And lo! You'd better be taking notes, there will be a quiz on this later.

 

Movement 1:4, Zahvahshah3

 

1. One day, Pope Fay wast bored. She was also feeling like she had to do something, anything! She was also feeling very spiritual that day. So, she danced. Yes, Pope Fay got naked, cleared her floor, turned on some exciting, fast-paced Spanish guitar music, lit six candles to Shao'Kehn at the altar, put on her belt, and strapped Shao'Kehn's knife and sheath to the belt, and danced!

 

2. Verily I say, she danced a frenzy, got her blood pounding, ran around, did amazing things with her body, and felt the immense power of Vital Chaos, that necessary bonfire of life that holds entropy at bay! In that dance, with power so high, dancing past the point of exhaustion without stop, Shao'Kehn entered Fay's body, and renewed the passion. Like Hrah'Bahn, the Deity of Life, who danced for days on end without stop despite being 12 months pregnant, Shao'Kehn and Pope Fay, together in the same body, danced!

 

3. The music stopped, and both Pope Fay and Shao'Kehn were exhausted. Both collapsed to the floor, panting like dogs in an Arizona summer.

 

4. Pope Fay didst feel exhilarated, though still exhausted. Once she recovered, she got a bright idea. To prove her love for Shao'Kehn, Pope Fay didst heat the blade of the knife with the candles, and pushed the hot knife, flat-side forward, against the flesh of her left leg.

 

5. Pope Fay didst scream mighty loud, but kept the knife on her leg, until she couldn't stand it anymore. The Mark of Shao'Kehn was upon her leg now, and it hurt like fucking hell.

 

6. And lo! Pope Fay still has the scar to prove it, though faint it now is. JLJ

 

Movement 1:5, Tehlfuug4

The more Discordian one

Rated XXX

 

1. Pope Fay was really lonely one day, as often she gets. She had begun talking to herself, she was so lonely. And it was late, so she had no-one to talk to. She SCREAMED in frustrated rage, and wept. She then called out to The Mother, to her Divine Mother Shao'Kehn.

 

2. ������� "Yes, My Child?" asked Shao'Kehn.

����������� "Mommy Shao'Kehn, I'm lonely and have no-one to talk to."

����������� "I shall talk with you, My dear," said Shao'Kehn. "For I have come to you in many an hour of need and comforted you."

����������� "Thanks, Mommy."

 

3. So Mother and Child began to speak of many things. The meaning of life was revealed, and it did not surprise Pope Fay, especially since an earlier dealing with Shao'Kehn had revealed that already. They soon got really fucking bored.

 

4. So they turned on the television. On HBO was Real Sex 16, which got them both mightily turned on.

����������� "You know, Fay," said Shao'Kehn, "I've never had sex with a soul in a mortal body before." She didst look suggestively at Pope Fay, and Pope Fay wast slow to catch on.

����������� "Ah! I get it. But... aren't you my Mother? Wouldn't that be incest?"

����������� "First of all, there are no rules except when you want to make them. Second of all, all humans are technically siblings to one another, no matter how you slice it, so it is impossible to NOT commit incest. And thirdly, the word 'incest' specifically means in-family rape."

����������� Pope Fay sighed. "It's so sad, 'incest' sounds so much better than 'in-breeding.' "

����������� "So is that a yes?" asked Shao'Kehn.

����������� Pope Fay smiled saucily at Shao'Kehn. "I can't wait to have sex with a Goddess!"

 

5. And so for six hours straight Shao'Kehn didst teach Pope Fay in the ways of pleasuring and being pleasured, and Pope Fay shouted out "My Divine Mother!" and Shao'Kehn shouted, "My Divine Child!"

����������� After that, Pope Fay asked to be taught how to make love to a man, so Shao'Kehn turned into a hot, sexy, slightly effeminate man and the two made love for 6 hours straight. And Pope Fay shouted out "My Divine Mother-Father!" and Shao'Kehn shouted, "My Divine Child!"

����������� Then, Pope Fay wanted to be taught how to make love to a man as a woman, and how to make love to a woman as a woman. So the first three hours were expanded to feel like 6, where Shao'Kehn turned Fay into a woman and taught her how to pleasure and be pleasured. And Pope Fay shouted out "My Divine Mother-Father!" and Shao'Kehn shouted, "My Divine Child!" Then the last three hours, expanded into 6 hours, were devoted to the two making hot, passionate, lesbian love. And Pope Fay shouted out "My Divine Mother!" and Shao'Kehn shouted, "My Divine Child!"

 

6. Afterwards, the two returned to 'normal' and lay in the bed together. Pope Fay ran her fingers through Shao'Kehn's long, luxurious raven-black hair, stared into Shao'Kehn's amber eyes, and admired Shao'Kehn's flawless hispanic-tan skin and long, voluptuous legs. Pope Fay whispered, "My Divine Mother," and Shao'Kehn whispered "My Divine Child," after which they fell asleep in each others' arms.

!X_X!

 

Movement 1:6, Lahsahn5

 

1. Pope Fay didst wake up the next morning, and needed a serious cup of coffee. She had just had the most awesome spiritual experience she had ever had, and she could still feel every touch, every caress. Of course, Shao'Kehn was already gone. Pope Fay looked around to see if maybe she'd been high on 'shrooms or something, though she swore she's never do any illegal drugs. But, to both her dismay and her intense joy, Pope Fay found no 'shrooms or anything else of the sort.

 

2. She knelt before the altar, and spoke (in Traipah's language) what translated as, "Shao'Kehn, oh, Shao'Kehn, Holy in Your Splendor, You have blessed me. I hope, Oh Divine Mother, You may bless me again many times in the future in similar ways.

 

3. And verily was Pope Fay knocked unconscious by a falling ceiling tile.

 

4. When she awoke, the Good Pope Fay didst see around her nothing but cans of Spam, wasp nests, wasps, W.A.S.P.s, and lawyers.

����������� Verily didst she then say, "Oh what the fuck is up with this shit?"

 

5. And no-one knew.

 

6. Do you know?

�������������������������������������������������������������������������������

Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty

 

COFFEE BREAK!

Take 6.66 minutes and just relax.

 

 

 

Movement 2:1

Taybahliss6

 

1. Pope Fay was very, very afraid. She rolled into a ball in one corner of the room, scared to look at the flying cans of Spam, the wasps, the W.A.S.P.s, their nests, and the lawyers. She screamed, begging Shao'Kehn to save her from this most horrible of hecks. She then said a prayer of protection, calling on Shao'Kehn's power to help her.

 

2. AnD REAlitY���������� E��������� X��������� P��������� L��������� O�������� D�������� E��������� D�� and IMPLODED at the same time, and the waters were both calm and chaotic. Cows were purple, guys in stupid dinosaur costumes were black and white. The Marlboro man died of cancer, and George W. Bush converted to Jainism.

����������� Pope Fay screamed and whispered at once, demanding to know exactly what the fuck was going on, and was about ready to explode with rage, when

BOOM!

����������������������� All was silent.

 

3. She was sitting, naked, on the floor of her shower, with shampoo in her hair.

����������� "Now I know I must be on something!" She shouted.

����������� At which point a loud female voice (Shao'Kehn again) said, "I shall give you the answers you need. For I showed you that heck for a very good reason. Follow my instructions and you shall get your answers."

����������� "How do I know you're not just fucking with my head, Divine Mother Shao'Kehn?"

����������� "You'll just have to trust me."

����������� Pope Fay shrugged, then proceeded to finish her shower.

 

4. "Now, I want you to be female for this," said Shao'Kehn. She promptly turned Pope Fay into a sultry beauty.

����������� "Hey, I'm just out of the shower!"

����������� Shao'Kehn said, "I know," and giggled. "Anyway, Love, dry off. Then, get your robe on (nothing else), grab your keys, go out to your car, and go out to the middle of the large field that you danced for Me at last week."

����������� "Uh, sure."

 

5. When Pope Fay got there, it was windy, and hard to keep the robe from flashing the world. Luckily, it was night. Shao'Kehn must have been fucking with time, because it had been morning before. Luckily it was a weekend.

����������� Shao'Kehn got there, and said, "Take your robe off."

����������� "Why?"

����������� Shao'Kehn took Her own robe off. "Because I did."

����������� "Oh, okay."

����������� "Now, My dear Fay, we're going to sit Indian-style on the ground."

����������� "I find that offensive! I'm part Iriquois, a Native American tribe!"

����������� "I know, I gave them their French name. Their real name is Ho-nee Mo-so-nee. Anyway... do you seek answers?"

����������� "Yes."

����������� "Do you really?"

����������� "Whatever they are, I'm ready."

����������� "Sure you are."

 

6. And so it began. Two naked women out in public at night, exchanging secrets about the universe. Sounds like a really small Wiccan coven, doesn't it?

(no offense toward Wiccans, I was one once.)

 

Movement 2:2, Dance

 

1. It was there revealed, upon the wet grass in the dark of night, while Pope Fay was female and naked, with an itchy behind, the secrets of the Probable Or Improbable Future. For it was revealed, after much pomp and sir-kum-stance, that Pope Fay would be a Profit-Saint.

����������� "What the fuck is a Profit-Saint?"

����������� "I hereby rub-a-dub dub you a Profit-Saint because it will Profit us all to have your view of the Probable Or Improbable Future, and for you to perform miracles in My name. For you will preach against all that is Somewhat Evil, like Spam, and against things that are Really Evil, like wasps and lawyers. All those things you saw in Heck were EVIL, to various levels. You must save the immoral souls of all those who would praise the name of such things that are evil!"

����������� "How do I do that?"

����������� "Preach against those things that are evil."

����������� "What if they don't believe me?"

����������� "Doesn't matter, the very act of you preaching against these things automatically saves their immoral souls."

����������� "What if they have moral souls?"

����������� "Then they will be Discordians, and not cabbages or rutabegas or some other such thing."

����������� "But even I'm a cabbage a lot of the time."

����������� "Doesn't matter."

����������� "But I'm not perfect!"

����������� "Yes you are. All Of You are perfect, even the cabbages. How could someone perfect, like Me, make anything that was less than perfect?"

����������� "Good points."

����������� Shao'Kehn looked at Her breasts. "Yes they are, aren't they?"

����������� Pope Fay sighed.

����������� "Besides, Fay, if you have any qualms about being a Saint, be Discordian and call yourself the Sinning Saint, or some such bullshit."

����������� And so Pope Fay became Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn.

 

2. ������� "Will I have other visions, Shao'Kehn?"

����������� "I don't know! You're the Profit-Saint! You tell Me!"

����������� So the Profit-Saint dropped some Divine Acid (pretend LSD, so it's legal and safe), and went into a deep trance. She saw giant grasshoppers, Cthulu dancing with Kali while they ate each other's intestines, George W. Bush eating his own feces and washing it down with a mug of his piss, and Emma Watson as Hermione Granger (from the Harry Potter movies).

 

3. When she awoke, the Profit-Saint said, "Well, I suppose that was a yes. Your Divine Acid has never done anything for me before, Mommy Shao'Kehn."

����������� Shao'Kehn then jumped on Profit-Saint Fayanora and the two made wild, passionate, lesbian love to each other until sun-up, at which point they turned into goats and flew through the air back to Fay's place. On the way there, they flew all the way to Ankeny and shit all over the mini-van of Fay's previous landlady, one Ms. Trousdale (at 313 NE Crestmoor PL; Ankeny, IA 50021). The resulting screams could be heard for miles, and Ms. Trousdale was arrested for disturbing the peace.

 

4. If you want a vision of the Probable Or Improbable Future, you must pay the Profit-Saint. Her price is $60 an hour. If she only lasts 59 minutes or less, your Profit-see is free. If she goes over an hour, your Profit-see will be half-price. She's not likely to talk for more than five minutes, though, so don't worry. The odds of hitting an hour-long Profit-see are like the odds of being 'raped' by a gang of horny, beautiful, naked, bisexual women hyped up on too much caffeine.

 

5. Out chaos to get canonized as a Saint by the Profit-Saint, you must sit on her lap and let her spank you in sexual ways. Unless of course you're a chicken little baby, scared to let her do it, in which case we have a Loser's Free Pass system to get canonized by Her Holiness, The Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn, Patron/Matron Saint of Extra-Sharp Cheddar Cheese.

 

6. For a miracle, you must have sex with the Profit-Saint. Or at least lick her toes. Unless you're a yellow-bellied chicken? Okay, forget all that crap about scardey-cat chickens and being a loser� I suppose all you have to do is ask nicely and in a vaguely flirtatious way.

 

 

 

Movement 2:3, Preaching

 

1. And verily didst Pope Fay taketh of the Holy Star Trek scripts and novels, and climbed up to the pulpit, where she didst preacheth from the Holy Bookes.

����������� "My friends, let us consider Geordi LaForge. For he wast born blind, and couldst not see. Yet as we know, he didst receive the Visor, with which he couldst see. But he could not see as we do! He saw not the beautiful colors of a sunrise, nor of the subtle sights we take for granted. And that, my friends, ist proof that though technology may make life better, it can't beat a real pair of eyes."

 

2. And verily didst Saint Fayanora smile upon them all, and produced another Sacred Text, the Crappy Book of Bull Shit. And she didst preach.

����������� "It sayeth, in the CBOBS, that SPAM IS EVIL! REPENT OR GO TO MACARENA! It is the only way to save your immoral souls from Something Somewhat Unpleasant! Repent, foul cabbages, and have a modicum of common sense!" The Profit-Saint went on like this for some time, and as she did, the priest (for this wast a Catholic Church, and the priest had been masturbating in the bathroom) grabbed the Profit-Saint and tried to remove her from the pulpit.

 

3. She didst kick and scream, but he wast stronger, having wrestled with struggling females before. And the Profit-Saint, being dragged to the exit, didst try to sayeth that the CBOBS wast symbolic, for the C could also stand for Cthulhu, the BOB for Bob, and S for Shao'Kehn, but the priest didst yell much. So she yelled louder.

����������� Just as they got to the exit, the Profit-Saint didst shout, "Repent thy foul ways, Priest! For you dost rapest the children of this church, I have heard their pleas! And the Profit-Saint broke free, and tore down the church in rage. "This is a house of Gawd, and not a house of 'Oh my Gawd, he's raping Cindy!' YOU WILL BE TURNED INTO A PRECIOUS MAO BUTTON AND DISTRIBUTED TO THE POOR IN THE REGION OF THUD!!! For in the CBOBS, it dost say that children are sacred! And I do not mean that thou canst rape them to show your love of Gawd! You--"

����������� The Profit-Saint wast silenced by a can of Spam.

 

4. Many days later, Profit-Saint Fayanora didst travel into the dessert for 69 days and 69 nights, eating naught but fish sticks and drinking naught but bottled water. And in the dessert, she wast tempted by the Devil Greyface, who didst offer her much peace, normalcy, the chance to live and die without making a fuss, which would make her have more friends than enemies.

����������� But the Profit-Saint declined, saying she would rather die with more enemies than friends, for at least then she would know who her true friends were. Greyface then pooed himself, and faded away.

 

5. And when the Profit-Saint returned, she traveled about, preaching to all who would listen, and those who would not. Most did not understand her, and said, "Lo! I can not understand you!" But a few looked up with bright eyes, her words making sense without making any sense. Or dollars either. And lo! One wast her sister. Which didst poke a hole in the notion of the Profit not being believed by hir own people.

 

6. And Shao'Kehn didst further enlighten the Princess, who wast the Profit-Saint's sister. That is explained in another chapter of the CBOBS.

 

 

Movement 2:4, Walking On Water

 

1. And the Profit-Saint preached, and preached, and preached some more. But luckily Shao'Kehn didn't believe in letting her story get too much like Jesus�, so Fay was not hung on a cross or any of that other rubbish.

 

2. While walking on ice (that's how Fay walks on water) to her next destination, she turned water into whine by not giving her sister as much water as she had asked for. And, of course, they literally stumbled on a nearly-naked man with a beard and a crown of thorns, who was stoned out of his gourd.

����������� "Who art thou?" asked Fay.

����������� The man looked up and said, "All the pretty colors!"

����������� "Who are you?"

����������� "Oh... yeah... I'm... Yeshuah ben Yosef."

����������� "Jesus?"

����������� "Yeah, that's what my old college buddies called me. How are you, Cthulhu?"

����������� "I'm sorry, I'm not Cthulhu. I am Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn."

����������� "Oh... well, now you look like Marilyn Monroe. No... more like the child of Charles Manson and Marilyn Monroe."

����������� "I look like Marilyn Manson?"

����������� "GO AWAY FROM ME, CTHULHU!!!"

����������� And the Profit-Saint, waxing sorely annoyed, snapped her fingers, and Jesus came out of his high.

 

3. "Woah, man! Thanks!" Jesus hopped up and put on his robes.

����������� "Are you really the son of God?"

����������� "No, I'm the Son of Man. 'Virgin,' in my day, was used to mean someone who was not married. Joseph was my father."

����������� "That's what I thought. So how come you're still alive?"

����������� "I discovered that all people are part of the Divine, and have the power to do anything imaginable. So I use my power to live for a loooong time."

����������� "So all that stuff in the Bible?"

����������� "I was working for Eris, preaching Her Words. Being an anarchist, I was arrested by the Romans. I managed to piss a lot of Jews off, too. I guess if I'd been normal, no one would have remembered me in history. But since I can elude death, they were thoroughly impressed and began worshipping me as Gawd. I've hung around since then, and I'm not at all pleased with how things are going."

����������� "Then how come you haven't said anything?"

����������� "You know as well as I that if people knew I was still alive, they'd assume it was the Second Coming, and they'd all kill each other off in religious riots and wars. Only me, the cockroaches, and the Discordians would still be alive."

����������� "What about Lazarus?"

����������� "Oh, he wasn't dead. He looked dead, felt dead, would've been pronounced dead, but I knew he was still alive, less than a millimeter from death. I just healed him."

����������� "Walking on water? Turning water into wine?"

����������� "Yeah, I did those. I was showing off."

����������� "The demons?"

����������� "Not demons. They were merely really ugly trolls with bony growths. I turned them into pigs. I didn't drown them, either. They were still stupid, and drowned themselves."

����������� The Profit-Saint wast thoroughly impressed.

 

4. And from that encounter, a friendship grew between Jesus and Fayanora. Later on, when the dipwad breed of Christian would ask her if she'd met Jesus, she then replied that she not only met Jesus, but had a close friendship with him. She further explained that he was a Discordian, and hated being worshipped, and was not a Gawd at all. At first Jesus was afraid they'd believe her, but he was proven wrong, of course.

 

5. One day, Fay told someone about her friendship with Jesus, and he said, "BLASPHEMY!" Whereupon the Saint didst reply, "Then just call me Saint Fay the Blasphemous!"

 

6. And Jesus laughed, and re-named himself "Pope Jesus the Thorny God-like (Son of) Man."

 

 

Movement 2:5, Jesus Saves and Fay Scores

 

1. Profit-Saint Fayanora, Shao'Kehn, Saint Gulik, and Jesus sat on the couch in Shao'Kehn's apartment playing cards. It looked like strip poker, and Fayanora and Jesus were losing.

����������� "Aw, come off it, Shao'Kehn!" Jesus shouted. "You're cheating!"

����������� "No, I'm not cheating," She said, sounding very angry. "I'm just very good."

����������� "You're cheating." Jesus repeated. Shao'Kehn looked like She was about to burst a vein. It made Fayanora wonder what that would look like.

����������� "Shao'Kehn is The Mother, Shao'Kehn is The Beast," Fayanora calmly said, looking at her cards.

����������� Jesus looked at Shao'Kehn. He then seemed to shrink several sizes. "Sorry, Shao'Kehn."

����������� Shao'Kehn smiled happily, as though nothing had happened. "Thank you, Jesus."

����������� "So I was talking with this fundie," said Fayanora, "and I told him that I have a personal relationship with my Deity, and with Jesus, and that we're in a love polygon. He cried out 'blasphemy!' as per usual, and didn't believe me. I said, 'Yep, I'm Blasphemous, but that doesn't change the truth.' Go fish."

����������� "Damn, I'm out." Jesus threw his cards down.

����������� "UNO!" shouted Shao'Kehn.

����������� "I think we're all playing different games," said Fayanora as she took off her bra.

����������� Jesus whined. "Aw, how come she gets to dress up like a female! It takes her longer to lose than me! IT AIN'T FAIR!"

����������� "Jesus," said Shao'Kehn, "Fayanora is trans-gendered, you are not. That's how she gets away with it. Plus, I find it kind of sexy."

����������� "Are we going to do something?" asked Jesus. "Somehow I don't think people want to read an over-long account of a bunch of people playing cards, even if we are such an interesting bunch. This is scripture, for cryin' out loud in the rain!"

����������� "The future Fayanora who's writing this now is trying to get us to do something interesting, Jesus. She just fed you that line because she's getting bored," said the Profit-Saint Fayanora.

����������� "Damn it, call me Fay, Fay!"

����������� Okay, Fay-Fay.

����������� "Very funny, Fay. I mean... call me Fay!"

����������� Fine, fine. Saint Fay?

����������� "That's much better."

����������� "Who are you talking to?" asked Jesus.

����������� Saint Fay just sighed.

 

2. "So what are we to do?" asked Jesus.

����������� Everyone looked at Shao'Kehn. Shao'Kehn, studying Her cards, didn't realize until a few moments later that they were looking at Her, and She slowly looked up in surprise.

����������� "What are you all looking at me for?"

����������� "This scripture has gotten boring. We need something to do that will engage the audience," said Sai--erm, Jesus.

����������� "HEY!" said Fay, "That was to be my line! You gave it to him!"

����������� Fuck off.

����������� Saint Fay gave Saint Fay the finger.

����������� "You two knock it off, or I'll invite Cthulhu over!" shouted Shao'Kehn.

����������� Both Saint Fays turned pale, softly muttered that they were sorry.

����������� "Now you, future Saint Fay, you're a Profit. Look to the future, not to the past."

����������� But I have to look to the past, in order to write this scripture.

����������� "Fine, then. Just don't interfere with us!"

����������� I'll shut up now and just observe. But y'all had better do something interesting soon.

����������� Shao'Kehn just ignored me.

 

3. Suddenly, Profit-Saint Fayanora was struck with a vision. She fell to the floor and went into a trance.

����������� "I see... I see... I see the beginning of the End of the World!"

����������� "WHAT!" shouted Jesus. "NOOOO! I'm too young to die!"

����������� "What do you see?" asked Saint Gulik.

����������� "I see... a fundie elected to be President of the USA... his name is... George W. Bush!"

����������� Shao'Kehn screamed. Saint Gulik ran around in circles. Jesus pissed himself, making a yellow puddle on Shao'Kehn's new couch. Tara Lipinski suddenly appeared, and fainted at the sight of a cockroach, Jesus, and a Goddess together with a cross-dressing person with a Pope hat on hir head.

 

4. The Profit-See continued. "But, do not despair..."

����������� Shao'Kehn, Jesus, and Saint Gulik stopped, and listened intently.

����������� "If we canonize Tara Lipinski as Grand High Goddess-like Matron Saint of Hope, Inspiration, Courage, Passion, Hot Looks, Kinky Fantasies, and Wet Dreams, we will be able to save the world. George W. Bush's power will then be compromised, for this canonization will anger Jehovah-Yaweh, and cause him to sneeze, which the Islamic militants will interpret as a sign to do something that will distract Bush from his evil plan to end the world."

����������� "What will they do?"

����������� "Something about a plane crashing into a building in New York, it ain't coming in any clearer than that. So I suppose we, like the FBI, will not know until after it happens."

����������� "But we can't make it be so! All those lives!"

����������� "It's either that, my dear Shao'Kehn, or Armageddon."

����������� "Oh. I see your point. That, then."

����������� "Okay. I hereby rub-a-dub dub Tara Lipinski as Grand High Goddess-like Matron Saint of Hope, Inspiration, Courage, Passion, Hot Looks, Kinky Fantasies, and Wet Dreams. A-women."

����������� Tara Lipinski did wake up, and in surprise she fainted again. The Profit-Saint, no longer having the vision, kissed her hotly on the lips. Tara Lipinski, then impressed by this kiss, kissed back. They had hot sex for an hour. But then, Tara Lipinski saw Saint Gulik again, and fainted again. So Saint Fay used her powers to send Tara Lipinski back to where she was before this happened, and caused her to forget the experience.

 

5. And lo! Later on, the attack on September 11th happened! Jesus wanted to take Fay to save lives, feeling guilty for saving the world from certain doom by indirectly giving Bushy boy something to do, but Fay, after she recovered somewhat from the news, had to go to college. Besides, she'd gotten drunk from having sex with Tara Lipinski, and had forgotten the whole Profit-See. Shao'Kehn just recently reminded me of it.

 

6. So Jesus went out to ground zero, pretending to be a fire-fighter, and rescued at least 20 people. He died from smoke inhalation soon afterwards, but they never found his body, because he came back to life some days later and wandered like a drunk man back to Shao'Kehn's apartment. He remembered everything.

����������� So if you were a survivor of the attack on the twin towers, you might very well have been literally saved by Jesus.

 

 

Movement 2:6, The Anti-ben-Yosef

 

1. After the attack, Shao'Kehn reminded Saint Fay about the Profit-See she'd had.

����������� "So... I indirectly caused the attack?"

����������� "Don't feel bad, if you'd done nothing, the world would have ended. You saved many lives. Besides, there's no way to know if the Profit-Sees are real or not. It's only the Probable or Improbable Future, after all. The future is not pre-destined, it is roughly planned by each person, and often plans conflict and change. Each person can change their own plans."

����������� "Man plans, woman laughs."

����������� "Uh... sure, Fay... uh... yeah... if you think so."

����������� "So why would George W. Bush be the causer of Armageddon?"

����������� "1. You've seen how poorly he deals with delicate situations. 2. He's an idiot. 3. He may think he's working for Jesus, but he's not. George W. Bush, like many fundies, is The Anti-ben-Yosef."

����������� "How can there be more than one Anti-ben-Yosef?"

����������� "How can there be more than one atom of anti-matter?"

����������� "Good point."

 

2. ������� Saint Fay thought about that for a while, then said, "Does that mean if Jesus and George W. Bush ever touch each other, they'll annihilate each other?"

����������� "Only if Georgie finds out who Jesus is, and believes him. And finds out what he's really like, and believes it."

����������� "Oh."

 

3. OH MY GAWD!!! A Profit-See all of a sudden! Jesus and George W. Bush will indeed have such a relationship, and annihilate each other! But Shao'Kehn will feel sad for Jesus' death, and will resurrect him. This will make him get lost in mescaline dreams, until I get irritated with him and cure him of his habit again. End Profit-See. (Remember, this is The Probable Or Improbable Future, so don't be too hopeful.)

 

4. One day, Shao'Kehn was watching the Harry Potter movie, and canonized Daniel Radcliffe as the Patron Saint of Harry Potter. Saint Fay, feeling the need to outdo Shao'Kehn, canonized Emma Watson as Goddess of Hermione Granger.

 

5. A canonizing competition ensued between Saint Fay and Shao'Kehn, growing ever more heated. It eventually got to the point where they canonized each other as Grimma-koolorgah (apparently, something more powerful than a Gawd or Gawdess) of Hot Passionate Sex, and made love to each other for 6 hours out of 6 days for 6 weeks, all in a row somehow.

 

6. This time, Shao'Kehn got pregnant.

 

 

Movement 3:1

Demi-Gawds and Monsters

 

1. ������� For twelve months, Shao'Kehn was with child (pregnant). She wasn't sure what the kid would be like, and was worried.

����������� Then one day, out it came. Shao'Kehn called Saint Fay, and she came.

����������� "Oh, she's so beautiful!"

����������� Actually, as all babies are, this baby was just as weird-looking as any other baby, but parents always think theirs are beautiful.

����������� It was soon apparent that this child was more Gawdess than "mortal." Still, though, they had to think of a name.

 

2. ������� So Shao'Kehn called everyone she knew, even Cthulhu, to help decide on a name. Finally, the Blorgian Schnorg from the planet Shnozz suggested "Flog-bloth-di-giuk." Shao'Kehn liked the name, but Saint Fay did not. So they settled on "Mercedes."

 

3. ������� Mercedes was a fast grower. She was an adult after being alive for only two months! Which luckily meant that She was a teenager for only five days. But it was five days of utter hell.

 

4. ������� Apparently, Mercedes still had some issues. She'd gone slightly rebellious, and rode off with Cthulhu's son, who was a biker with many tattoos. Last we heard, Mercedes was the (demi-)Goddess of Spam, Wasps, and Lawyers on some backwater planet in some backwater galaxy where they worshipped Spam, Wasps, and Lawyers. The HEATHENS! (No offense, Terry. *giggles*) (That�s what�s known as an inside joke.)

 

5. ������� A Profit-See: Mercedes will end up like Her mother, except She'll be married to a guy who just lazes around the house drinking blood, watching human sacrifices on TV, and considers lifting his tentacles when She vacuums to be helping Her clean house. The lazy slob.

 

6.And this is here just to fill space. FNORD!

 

 

 

Movement 3:2, An Ode to Tara Lipinski

 

1. ������� T is for Tiny titillating tits, like on Tara Lipinski.

����������� A is for Awesome sexual fantasies of me and her in bed together.

����������� R is for Raunchy thoughts of the graceful Matron Saint.

����������� A is for Alleviating sexual tensions by masturbating to her picture.

 

����������� L is for Licking myself when I think of her.

����������� I is for I wanna have sex with that hot babe!

����������� P is for Pinching her butt, something I dream about doing.

����������� I is for Interesting poses she gets into in my dreams.

����������� N is for Nightly wet dreams, squirting my bed for her.

����������� S is for Sex I want to have with her.

����������� K is for Kinky fantasies of me, her, and Shao'Kehn together.

����������� I is for I love this girl!!!

Saint Tara Lipinski, Our Lady of Perpetual Grace

 

2. ������� As I watch her skate so free with grace, it is my fondest wish to skate with her. I see us spinning and twirling and dancing and leaping and then having sex on the ice.

 

3.�������� She inspired me when I needed inspiration, she was there when I needed an obsession to keep me somewhat sane. She is my hope, my inspiration, my grace, my beauty, my vision of the future, my fantasy for the present, my love from the past.

 

4. ������� Shao'Kehn made her of the best materials, working with Ahndahn to make the most perfect specimen of humanity this world has ever seen. I would love to meet her in person!

 

5. ������� Tara Lipinski is hot. Worship her, but realize you can't have her, she's mine. If she ever gets married, it will be to me. If she doesn't marry me, she willlive out her life dreaming of a mysterious stranger who will turn out to be me. My image will haunt her until she marries me.

 

6. ������� Besides, my only other option at the moment seems to be Cthulu's daughter. Which sounds titilating, having sex with something that looks like an octopus (especially her octopussy), but I'm afraid she'd rise and eat me. (And no, not "eat me" in a sexual way, either!)

 

 

Movement 3:3, Juggling Knives

 

 

1. ������� Pope Fay (who began to tire of writing "Profit-Saint Fayanora," so she reverted to "Pope Fay") was very busy one day praying naked at her altar, praying this time specifically to Shao'Kehn.

����������� Shao'Kehn paid her another visit.

����������� "Oh dear Gawds, can't I ever pray to You without You coming in to talk with me? Not that I don't like Your company, I LOVE Your company, but it seems every time I pray to You, there You are."

����������� "What else did you expect? Anyway, I'm here for a reason. I'm here to reveal why you're so fascinated with knives."

����������� "Oh hey, good. I've always wondered that, especially since I was deathly afraid of them as a child."

����������� "Okay, here goes: Because they are a symbol of Me."

 

2. ������� "Huh? Explain that, please. Knives are a symbol of you?"

����������� "Yup. Just like that star I showed you, and the neat little five-pointed thingamabobber that you always complain is a pain in the Spam to draw."

����������� "Yeah, I've always wondered why a Chaos Goddess has such complex symbols. That star is hard to draw too, ya know."

����������� "Imposition of order leads to escalation of disorder, doncha know? And besides, I love irritating you."

����������� "I thought so."

����������� "Anyway, about the knife."

����������� "Go on, then."

����������� "Thanks for your permission, oh Pope. Anyway... the knife is a symbol of Me because the Trelli, a species of which you were once a member of in a past life, use their knives to protect them from predators. And we both know, I'm not only Chaos, but I'm also Protection. They also considered Me to be the vital life-force, survival instincts, and life's feisty attitude in general."

����������� "So You're a lot like the conception many modern Satanists have of Satan--a force of nature necessary for life. Life, power, ambition, survival, and all that jazz."

����������� "I suppose."

����������� "So... about knives. Since I don't need much protection with knives here, what do I do now?"

����������� "You could use them in rituals to Me."

����������� "Sounds cool."

 

3. ������� A week later, after showing Pope Fay pictures of the traditional Trelli Protection Knife, She dug through Her stuff and pulled out a rather ordinary-looking knife, handing it to Pope Fay.

����������� "Here, use this one." Shao'Kehn handed Pope Fay a nice-looking stainless steel knife with a polished wooden handle. The end of the handle was metal, so Pope Fay assumed it had a metal piece for a handle, and the wood was just a veneer.

����������� "This isn't a Trelli knife. Why'd you give me this one?"

����������� "Because it was the only one I had with Me at the time, and I kinda like it anyway."

����������� "Couldn't you just wave Your arms and make a Trelli one?"

����������� "HA! You're funny! If you want a Trelli knife, you'll have to shell out the money to buy yourself a custom-made one. And as I hear it, that can be quite expensive."

����������� "I should've known. I give You all my love, and You act like this."

����������� "Oh come now, Fay, I'll get you a job so you can afford a different one, one more to both our likings. But I know you, you're cheap and impatient... you probably will end up hearing the projected price, and saying to yourself: 'not in this lifetime!' Right?"

����������� "Probably. But You'll get me a job, right?"

����������� "Right."

����������� Shao'Kehn got Pope Fay a job working as a telemarketer. Not surprising, is it?

 

4. ������� Later on, Pope Fay didst lose the knife Shao'Kehn had given her, apparently in the move from Ankeny to Anita. And Pope Fay didst wax sorely pissed, and tore through all her possessions looking for it.

����������� Finally, Shao'Kehn and Jesus H. Christ appeared. "You called upon Me, Jesus, and Cthulhu. I made sure Cthulhu didn't come, he wouldn't help--he'd just eat you. I think Jesus is drunk. He tried killing himself again last night, and now he's nippin' the booze just a bit too hard."

����������� "I CAN'T FIND IT!"

����������� "Ya can't *hic* find what? Whaz ya lookin' fer?" asked Jesus, who was quite drunk.

����������� Pope Fay didst growl. "You need to do something about him. He keeps turning the water into wine and getting himself drunk. I have pumpernickel rye bread around here somewhere, I'm afraid he'll turn it into LSD."

����������� "Fay, what are you looking for?" asked Shao'Kehn.

����������� "That knife ya gave me."

����������� "Buy another one."

����������� "But... but You gave it to me! It's sacred!"

����������� Shao'Kehn shrugged. "All things are Divine. All things are sacred. You don't whine like this when you lose other things."

����������� "I DO NOT WHINE!" Pope Fay shouted.

����������� "*hic* Dih shomebody shay 'wine'? I wan' shome more..." Jesus said, falling down to the floor.

����������� "Just give up, Fay. It's gone. You've been looking for weeks."

����������� Saint Gulik arrived just then, and said, "Did anyone else notice that the time in this scripture is really fucking screwy?"

����������� "No one particularly cares, unless they're cabbages." Shao'Kehn said.

����������� "True," agreed Saint Gulik. "But no girdle ever cured a pregnancy."

����������� "Niney-nine bottles 'a' beer ona wall, *hic* niney-nine bottles 'a' beer..." sang Jesus.

 

5. ������� Later on, Shao'Kehn, Jesus, Saint Gulik, Pope Fay, and Baba Yaga were playing a game of Cooknote Fiberglass with action figures and lawn gnomes, with the original Men In Black movie playing in the background, when Pope Fay made an astute observation.

����������� "Shao'Kehn, for a Chaos Goddess, You sure don't really act that way."

����������� "Well, I'm not entirely a Chaos Goddess, not really."

����������� "Checkmate," said Jesus.

����������� "Draw a card," said Baba Yaga.

����������� "Well," said Pope Fay, "I just thought it was worth pointing out."

����������� "You just want to fill up space. You're trying to get Me to say something halfway interesting so you can use it in your scripture."

����������� "Is there anything wrong with that? UNO! I get out of jail free!"

����������� The movie came to the scene where Jay was stepping on cockroaches to get the Bug alien to stay on Earth. Saint Gulik shuddered.

����������� "Why do you like this movie? My poor brethren are being massacred!"

����������� "So? You watch movies where humans are slaughtered or killed."

����������� "Good point."

����������� "This is boring!" said Jesus. "We keep coming back to our games, as if they matter. Doesn't ANYTHING interesting happen around here?"

����������� "This is Iowa, proven to be the single most boring place in the universe," said Pope Fay.

����������� "I shall make something interesting happen, then, just to get you to stop whining," said Shao'Kehn.

����������� "I do not whine!"

 

6. ������� And so Shao'Kehn made it happen, by introducing Pope Fay's younger sister to Discordianism. Read The Crappy Book Of Bull Shit; "Book" title, "Princess Very Merry Cherry, Younger Sister of a Queen," Chapter 1, for that story. It's really quite hilarious! However, we shall go on to the sequel of that.

 

Movement 3:4, Wonderland

 

Fuck the Queen of Hearts, Shao'Kehn is the Queen of SPADES!

(Spades is the only Queen that looks dignified, regal, interested, and commanding)

 

1. ������� The skies turned green with purple polka-dots, and thereupon was the online message board "Discordian Fields" (the name tends to change every now and then) caused to be. And it's address is http://forums.delphiforums.com/discordian/start ! It is a place where Discordians of any type (or just anyone who's crazy in a good way) can go to hang out and be crazy. Yughi the Crazy wast its' instrument of Creation, but Shao'Kehn caused Yughi to decide that Pope Fay would be a better owner for it.

����������� And Yughi didst then give it to Pope Fay without asking first. But, they being friends and all, Pope Fay smiled and was glad in her heart, and made that be known.

 

2. ������� The skies turned purple with green-and-blue polka dots, and thereupon was Pope Fay dropped into Wonderland, where she didst plop upon her ass. Her younger sister, Princess Very Merry Cherry (insert cherry jokes here), was there, smoking the caterpillar's bong. The caterpillar was gone.

����������� "Hiya, Princess. Where's the caterpillar?"

����������� "At the tea-party."

����������� "Oh really? He's drinking tea?"

����������� "Nope. He's the main course."

����������� Pope Fay didst feel sick then for a moment.

����������� "Who is drinking tea at the tea party?"

����������� "All your friends are there. Hurry up, or you'll be late. I'll mustard later. Here's your hat, by the way." She handed Pope Fay the Mad Hatter's hat. Pope Fay shrugged. She guessed that since Shao'Kehn was the Queen of Hearts, that she was the Mad Hatter. So she put the hat on, and went to the tea party.

����������� Only, it wasn't a tea party. It was a coffee party. There was a cake, and a teenaged girl was that cake. All the guests were eating her.

����������� "Hey! Why are you eating her?"

����������� Ashen Splaws, who was the Cheshire Cat, smiled. All of him except for the smile vanished. "Don't worry, she's 16. In Wonderland, 16 makes her legal."

����������� "But... you're EATING her!"

����������� "Not in a literal sense, silly. She's symbolic of the objectification of women and teenaged girls, and how older men often treat them as a cake, to be 'eaten.' It's using metaphors to illustrate highly advanced sociological observations. Want some?"

����������� "No thanks. What kind of a cake is it, though?"

����������� Data, the android from Star Trek, said, "It is a cellular peptide cake." Suddenly, the cake was Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

 

3. ������� "Oh, if it's Deanna Troi, I'll eat her," said Pope Fay, taking a slice of the cake--specifically, part of the thigh.

����������� "Mmm... this is delicious."

����������� "Have some coffee?" asked Yughi the Crazy, who was the White Rabbit.

����������� "Sure." Pope Fay took some coffee, and drank it. It tasted like mud. She spit it out.

����������� "This tastes like mud!"

����������� "Of course it does. It is mud!" said Yughi, as though it were a surprise to him.

����������� "I can't drink mud."

����������� "Why not?"

����������� "Just because."

����������� "Just be cause."

����������� Pope Fay threw up her hands and sighed. "I'm off to go find Shao'Kehn."

����������� Jesus Christ then rode past her on a bicycle. "I thought you'd never ask! I'll guide the way."

����������� "As long as you're not biking drunk."

 

4. ������� So Pope Fay got on the bicycle, in the bucket seat. Jesus was riding along with the horn of the bike seat up his crack. The Pope thought this was very weird, but ignored it.

����������� "So," said Jesus, "how ya been, ol' gal?"

����������� "Fine, I suppose. May I ask why you're riding a bicycle?"

����������� "Because they didn't have cars when Wonderland was written."

����������� "Oh."

����������� "And besides, I like to say, 'Jesus Christ on a bicycle.' "

����������� "How far is it until we find Shao'Kehn?"

����������� "We've got to wander through Wonderland a ways first."

����������� "Well, as long as you're not drunk or stoned."

����������� "My dear, I'm in a good mood today. It's been a week since I last tried to kill myself."

����������� "What did you try that time?"

����������� "I tried drowning myself in the bathtub. Not a pleasant experience."

����������� "Why do you do that kind of shit, anyway?"

����������� "If you had to live forever, you'd do the same thing."

����������� "Ah."

 

5. ������� As they traversed Wonderland, the ground suddenly fell away, and they fell down into a sea of milk. The bicycle became a motorboat made of hard candy.

����������� "Lo, man! What the hell is up with this shit?" asked Pope Fay.

����������� "I don't know, you're the one writing this scripture!"

����������� "Fine, then!" Pope Fay snapped her fingers and they were back on the road to find Shao'Kehn, on their bicycle.

����������� There, up in the trees, was Princess Very Merry Cherry, eating a giant Oreo cookie and reciting poetry written and spoken in the language of robins. So it sounded much like birdsong.

����������� Luckily, Pope Fay had a gift called Omnitongue, and could thus understand what the Princess was saying, which was thus:

����������� "My tree! My worms! My nest! Stay back! This is mine! My tree! My tree! Don't mess with me! My dirt! My worm! My leaves! My bugs! My mates! Stay back, it's all mine! Not yours!"

����������� Pope Fay didst look up at her sister with an expression of curiosity on her face, and didst say, in bird language, "What are you doing?"

����������� The Princess cocked her head curiously, and said in Traipahgnanog, "Kwee zik vara maik koh iiahrah ehm rahk?" (Which meant, "Is it any thing you need to know?")

����������� The Pope responded in Elmo's voice, "I just wanna know!"

����������� The Princess hopped out of the tree, floating down on her giant half-eaten cookie, and assumed a pose of a wise guru on a mountain. She held out her hand, which contained a very small bottle of rubbing alcohol, and said, "When you can snatch the alcohol from my hand, you will be a Jedi Knight, Grasshopper."

����������� Whereupon didst Jesus snatch it out of her hand and drank it down. The Princess was, needless to say, very surprised. Jesus then realized what kind of alcohol it was, and proceeded to puke upon the ground.

 

6. ������� The Princess didst then say, "How pitiful. You really need to go to AA."

����������� Jesus didst reply, "I'm immortal, I can't kill myself, people think I'm a god, and my middle name, Horatio, was the name of the uncle who raped me as a child. I have every right to be depressed."

����������� Whereupon the Princess didst turn Jesus into a container of aspirin. "There ya go, it's not safe to mix alcohol with aspirin."

����������� "That's not going to stop him," said Pope Fay.

 

 

Movement 3:5, Queen of Hearts (Or is is Spades?)

 

1. ������� Jesus, Pope Fay, and Princess Very Merry Cherry rode on. It was weird seeing a container of aspirin riding a bike, but that's Wonderland for ya.

����������� Eventually, they found the large chess set with the cards walking around. It didn't take long to find Shao'Kehn, She was still acting Her part as the Queen of Hearts, ordering people's heads to be cut off. (No one listened, of course. Because if they did, She wouldn't have many people left after about an hour.) The Princess was at the front of the three as they walked towards Her. Shao'Kehn saw them, pointed at them, and said, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

����������� "You're enjoying this too much," said the Princess.

����������� Shao'Kehn then jumped up and down in giddy glee, and gave all three of them hugs and a big ol' lollipop. Then She looked, startled, at Jesus. "Who is this?"

����������� The container of Aspirin bowed. "It is I, O Queen, Jesus H. Christ!"

����������� Whereupon Shao'Kehn didst roll Her eyes and turn him back to normal. Except that he had a mule's tail.

����������� "Oh Pope Fay, My wild and crazy lover," said Shao'Kehn, "I have something for you that I just know you'll absolutely, positively love." Winking, She reached seductively into Her left thigh-pocket, licking Her voluptuous lips saucily, lifted Her shirt and showed Her rainbow-colored bra to them, and slowly pulled out a large, pink, rubber strap-on............ book.

 

2. ������� Pope Fay had been expecting something sexy, and had squirted in her pants in expectation. "What the hell? A pink rubber strap-on BOOK??? Are you smoking George W. Bush's weed collection???"

����������� "Would you rather try to preach from a bottle of champagne?"

����������� "Jesus does."

����������� "I find that offensive," said Jesus.

����������� "How am I supposed to preach from a strap-on book?"

����������� "You strap it on, and then whatever you say, just thump the book and say, 'It's all in the good book.' "

����������� Pope Fay then turned into a rutabaga and danced the Macarena.

 

3. ������� Princess Very Merry Cherry then didst curse much, saying things that would make a sailor blush. She cursed and swore and said so many things that even Shao'Kehn learned a few new words. When the Princess was done, Shao'Kehn was blushing like a ripe tomato in July, and Pope Fay turned back into a human being.

����������� "I want my mommy! She'll entertain me!" said the Princess, for no apparent reason.

����������� Pope Fay didst sigh, and the Princess pretended to pull out her hair. She then screamed and began eating her cookie again.

����������� Shao'Kehn then began speaking in Chris Rock's voice, saying, "When I was young, I sung and sung and monkeys throw dung."

����������� "I'M A DEAD ANTELOPE! I don't want any dead spiders!" shouted the Princess.

����������� "This is just too weird," said Pope Fay. She then grabbed hold of the corner, and turned the page.

 

4. ������� CHAPTER 1,908: The Creepy Hidden Room

����������� It was a dark and stormy night. The kinda night that makes you want to--

����������� "Next page." Pope Fay turned the page again.

����������� "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. We hear he is a whiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was, if ever oh ever a wiz there was, the--"

����������� Shao'Kehn then did put Rambo into that scene, and the residents of Oz screamed in panic, many died. The scarecrow was in a hundred pieces, and the lion and the Tin Man trampled him to death.

����������� "This movie now rated R for violence," said Shao'Kehn, smiling.

����������� "Let's have a fashion show," suggested Jesus, who now looked like he were a stereotypical gay man.

����������� The Yellow Brick Road turned into a catwalk, and various people came out to watch and to walk on the catwalk.

����������� "First up is Princess Very Merry Cherry, in her finest white silk dress made from Florg-noxian silkworms. The crown on her head is an alloy of crystalanium and gold, making it indestructible, and encrusted with the finest jewels from the planet Kriiah-Sinah. Her long, brown, luxurious hair was styled by Jesus himself, and her glass slippers are straight from the Cinderella story," said Shao'Kehn, who was the announcer.

����������� The Princess walked on the catwalk for several minutes, showing off her beauty. Then she walked back behind the stage.

����������� "Next up is Jesus H. Christ, wearing a period-style tunic from his days in the Roman Empire, where he stirred up trouble like he stirs up the passions of men and women today. His sandals are pure cork-wood from trees in ancient Jerusalem, and his crown of thorns was lovingly hand-crafted by his mother."

����������� After Jesus was Pope Fay.

����������� "Our next model is Pope Fay, dressed to the nines in the latest fashion, a silver see-through teddy with black Victoria's Secret underwear and bra. Her shoes are bunny slippers lovingly made by child slaves in China, as most things are these days."

����������� "Next up are Adam and Eve, wearing the latest thing--designer fig leaves!"

����������� "And lastly, our last model is... ME! Shao'Kehn is wearing Her favorite rubber strap-on book, and Pope John Paul's boxer shorts. Her shoes are wooden shoes straight from Holland, so She can tap-dance for Her lovers."

 

5. ������� And Pope Fay's dad didst fart, and everything within 20 feet gagged and died. (That was supposed to be someone else, not her dad, this person shall remain nameless, because she didn't want me to write that as her. Who was it? Cough-cough-PVMC-cough-cough.

 

6.                   And lo! Sibling rivalry and silliness wast revealed in the number above. (Raises eyebrows like Groucho Marx. You know what I'm saying, right?)

 

 

Movement 3:6, Now It Gets Better

 

1. ������� Shao'Kehn didst look down at how pitifully "Lipinski 66.69" was doing (having so far been pretty much an ode to boredom), and so She sent some hopeful inspiration down to Pope Fay.

����������� She started by getting the Profit-Saint (Fay) a job as a telemarketer.

����������������������� Which was only slightly enlightening, but was VERY irritating. It wasn't enough.

����������� So Shao'Kehn went to pester Prince Mu-Chao (in Her Eris form), and he wrote and posted a new scripture that expressed "his" feeling that Discordian jokes should mean something, instead of being crap.

����������� Thank Gourd, Pope Fay got the picture.

 

2. ������� Pope Fay crawled out of wonderland, and said, "I AM ME!!!"

����������� Jesus was beside her, drinking 90-proof whiskey. "And what does that mean?"

����������� "I am a Discordian. 'We are the Discordian Society, for whatever that turns out to be.' So I think that 'I am a Human, for whatever that turns out to be.' Cool, huh?"

����������� Jesus held his head as though he had a headache, and glugged some of his whiskey. "This is too deep for me."

 

3. ������� And Pope Fay climbed Higher and Higher, to the Highest Peak of the Highest Mountain... using her Discordian majick, of course. Jesus, almost always by her side, had to be dragged up.

����������� And once there, high above the world, Pope Fay said, "I AM PROUD TO BE A DISCORDIAN!!! I'm proud to be in a 'religion' that lets me be weird, queer, bisexual, polyamorous, trans-gendered, and any other label I want!

����������� "I'm proud to be part of a community of people who write their own scriptures, who dogmatize free thought with 'A Discordian is prohibited of believing what he reads,' who hold as their firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs! I'm glad I'm not alone in the world!"

 

4. ������� Then she was quiet.

 

5. ������� "Is that it?" asked Jesus.

����������� "That's it."

����������� "You dragged me up here for THAT? Cummon, Fay, you've got a long way to go on this scripture, as this is still only movement 3:6, and you don't want to bore people with crap, right?"

����������� "GREAT ART CANNOT BE RUSHED!!!"

 

6.                   Well, it can't.

 

 

Movement 4:1

Preaching from the strap-on book.

 

1. ������� In the beginning, there was Nothing. Or at least, it was one All with Nothing To Do, so it might as well have been Nothing.

����������� Then appeared, in one of those bizarre flashes of inspiration that occasionally strike during intense (gut-wrenching and often fatal) boredom, Something.

����������� Other things followed, of course, and it was very entertaining. But somehow it wasn't quite enough.

 

2. ������� Then appeared Eris/Shao'Kehn, the Concept And Reality Of Chaos. She just popped into existence like toast coming out of a toaster. (And of course there was Aneris, and other Deities, but this is an ode to Eris/Shao'Kehn, so we'll gloss over that fact.)

 

3. ������� With the help of the new Deities (Gawds and Gawdesses), more stuff was made. Humanity was created, though it wasn't the first or even the most important race of 'intelligent' beings to be made. Pope Fay herself was, in a past life, a member of a race millions of years older than humanity.

 

4. ������� Which is not to say that humanity isn't important. No, no, Shao'Kehn/Eris loves all Her children, and so that's why one day She revealed Herself to humanity.

����������� But small-minded humanity wasn't ready for Her. Her intense beauty smote them blind, drove them insane, and sowed chaos of the most horrible kind. Where before they had lived in peace, the premature viewing of Shao'Kehn/Eris caused them to kill each other, eat each other, fight wars, squabble over land, and generally become the dangerous race they still are today.

����������� And lo! The Goddess was saddened, and troubled.

 

5. ������� So it was not until thousands of years later, lo! possibly millions of years later, that She decided to try again. Things had calmed down somewhat, so She felt it safe. So She inhabited the body of a man named Yeshuah Ben Yosef (now known as Jesus H. Christ) and began to tell the people about Her.

����������� But people misunderstood Her, and thought Jesus to be a Gawd, and that there was only one Gawd, and he was male. This caused another, more violent surge of pain, death, war, heretic-burning, and cruelty in humans as they fought each other over this misunderstanding. And lo! As Jesus is now still an immortal, he is very depressed.

 

6. ������� It wasn't until the birth of Tara Lipinski, though, that hope would come again. I have it on good authority that Shao'Kehn/Eris will try it again, this time with a female body. (That way, if they think Tara Lipinski is Gawd, at least they'll have her gender right!)

����������� The birth of Tara Lipinski heralded the 66.69th age, The Age of Tara Lipinski (which I believe is currently 20).

 

 

Movement 4:2, The Age of Tara Lipinski

 

1. ������� The beginning of the Age of Tara Lipinski, like the beginning of The Age of Jesus Christ, has been somewhat uneventful. True, Tara Lipinski has been well-known since she was 13, and Jesus wasn't known until he was 29. But just you wait, for Tara Lipinski will find out at age 29 that She is Goddess, when She will preach a new gospel that shall forever change the world.

����������� She will be able to take this news better than Jesus did, for She is already famous, and She is already very ambitious. Who better to be Goddess than the girl who became famous at age 13 (or was it 14?) for being the youngest ever female ice skater to win a gold medal at the Olympics?

����������� (Let's hope this works this time around, for we ALL know what happened last time a mortal was made into a God, and that was only temporary! But Tara Lipinski is a full-blooded Goddess of Her own right, child of Shao'Kehn and Her consort, Ahn'Dahn.)

 

2. ������� When comes the day She realizes Her Divinity, because we'll be prepared this time around, we will write a New NEW Testament, and we'll choose the Principia Discordia as the new forward (instead of the Jewish bible, as was done before.)

 

3. ������� And this new incarnation of Goddess, and the resulting scripture, shall spawn a new generation of Discordians, and renew inspiration for all Discordians to write meaningful and funny scripture.

 

4. ������� And best of all, Eris/Shao'Kehn now offers this plan with a 90-day, no-cost review period! And after your no-cost review period, the premium of 14 cents per year will be automatically collected by Aneris when She digs through the couch for lost change. (14 cent per annum premium covers all of humanity).

 

5. ������� And though we think this is a future you'll want to keep, you can cancel at any time simply by calling a toll-free number included with your scripture. Now, one of our licensed Profits would like to speak with you about the benefits of this plan and how you can get your new future started, okay?

 

6. ������� You don't believe me??? Well, it's true! I AM a Profit-Saint, remember? Keep that in mind!

 

 

Movement 4:3, Ambition

 

1. ������� Shao'Kehn slapped Pope Fay and inhabited her body, and gave a speech. In that speech, She gave Pope Fay a task.

����������� "My Child, long ago I inhabited the body of Yeshuah Ben Yosef, now known as Jesus H. Christ, and spoke words of wisdom. I suffered much, and went to a lot of trouble, but it ended in a disaster called fundamentalist Christianity. I tried making the world a better place, and fucked up royally. Guess that's what I get for choosing a Jewish man to preach My Gospel."

 

2. ������� Shao'Kehn then popped out of the Pope and faced her.

����������� "But Shao'Kehn, what task do you wish me to do?"

����������� "Well, the original New Testament was written by ancient Discordians, but was re-written by the Illuminati who thought to use Jesus' popularity to their own advantage. What I want you to do is to re-re-write the New Testament."

 

3. ������� "But Shao'Kehn, that's a HUGE project! I'm still only on Movement 4:2 of 'Lipinski 66.69,' and didn't you already give that task to another?"

����������� "You mean to Prophet of Cod? Oh no, he was going to re-write it as Seajus. I want you to tell what REALLY happened, okay?"

 

4.�������� Pope Fay didst whine terribly, but did nod.

����������� "You don't HAVE to do this, you know."

����������� "Yeah, I know, but since I love you, I will do it as soon as I can."

����������� Shao'Kehn smiled and patted Fay's cheeks. "What a good little girl you are," She said, and disappeared.

 

5. ������� And lo, Pope Fay waxed sorely irritated, for this was yet another project to engage in.

 

6. ������� So the Pope stole the whiskey out of Jesus' hand, and lo, she got drunk as a skunk.

 

Movement 4:4, The Symbolism of Jesus

 

1. ������� Lo! Ever wonder why in this scripture, Jesus is almost always with Pope Fay? Ever wonder why he's almost always drunk or high? Ever wonder why he tries to commit suicide? What is he here for?

 

2. ������� Comic relief? Partly. A symbol? YES!

 

3. ������� He's almost always drunk or high or trying to commit suicide because he is, like fundamentalist Christianity, really fucking messed up. He always tries to commit suicide because fundamentalist Christianity is always trying to kill itself, but keeps coming back to life. Only Shao'Kehn will be able to finally do him in.

 

4. ������� He's almost always hanging around Pope Fay because fundamentalist christianity needs pagans, heathens, and people like that in order to exist, and because you can never truly escape fundamentalist christianity.

 

5. ������� He has occasional moments of lucidity and/or deep thoughts and/or something meaningful to say because fundamentalist christianity rarely has anything decent to say.

 

6. ������� But to tell the truth, all this symbolism didn't even occur to me until just now. Shao'Kehn made me do it. J

 

 

Movement 4:5, Another Sermon

 

1. ������� At the time I write this, I am a proselytizer for one of the many 'churches' in the American religion of worshipping the Almighty Dollar. Well, maybe not a proselytizer... what does one call a telemarketer who is only one because she needs the 'amazing grace' of money? Monk? No, I'm not devout enough for that. Parishioner? Nah. Lapsed Capitalist? Heretic? Lapsed Capitalist Heretic? Yeah, I like the sound of that.

 

2. ������� If you are a devout parishioner, a monk (devout salesperson), a deacon (supervisor), a priest (manager), high priest (branch manager), bishop (district manager), archbishop (chain manager), cardinal (vice-president), or Pope (CEO) of this American Money Religion, you need to get hip and become a Lapsed Capitalist Heretic like me. Because Capitalism isn't bad (neither is Communism, really), but it's just not a good idea to make the economy into a religion. After all, no one really likes the Ferengi of Star Trek, and it's not just because of their stunning good looks.

 

3. ������� Star Trek's Ferengi represent Capitalism taken to its furthest extreme. Life becomes all about Profit and consumerism, and the entire religion is built around making a profit. Money becomes more important than family, even! (One of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition is: Don't let family get in the way of making a profit.)

����������� If we don't stop taking the economy and capitalism so seriously, we'll end up like the Ferengi--viewed as the greedy, untrustworthy, no-good scum of the universe. We don't want THAT, do we?

 

4. ������� Whenever a religion becomes too dogmatic and powerful, heretics, with their new ideas, pop up en masse and shatter the religion like Tonya Harding shattering her opponents' knees. I mean, look at it this way: Catholicism was a power-hungry, greedy, evil religion with their claws wrapped tight around everyone in Europe. Then along came the Protestants and smashed through that power. Eventually, the Catholic Church has evolved to be pretty much powerless. If you don't like their ideas nowadays, simply convert to another religion, or take your own path.

 

5. ������� So what I'm saying is, before Capitalism gets too powerful and dogmatic, we need some heresy. It's easier to solve a problem when it's new than when it's old, after all. And, heretics can't be burned or killed anymore. I say we take advantage of that fact before they change their minds.

����������� So go forth, be a heretic! Give things away, even to people who can afford to buy those things, even when it's not a birthday or a holiday! Purposely lose change somewhere where people can pick it up! Give someone money and tell them they don't have to pay it back! It'll fuck with their minds worse than the Catholic Priests fucking with children.

 

6. ������� So mote it be! :-)

 

Movement 4:6, Sermon Continued (Kinda)

 

1. ������� There also seems to be a religion in our society of worshipping youth and beauty. Which isn't bad, I even do it (I have two Deities in my pantheon who prefer a childlike or youthful form), but again, let's not take it to extremes. Let's protect our children alright, and value them, but not value them MORE than we value older persons. After all, young people generally don't know as much (this coming from someone who is currently 19), and we need the guidance of older people.

����������� Myself, most of my friends are older adults, because it's hard to find young people like me who are mentally mature beyond their years. We must, then, value ALL people. (Yes, even politicians.)

 

2. ������� Youth and beauty are given by nature. Maturity, grace, kindness, wisdom, experience, and inner beauty are earned. Youth and beauty are nice to look at, yes, but when they're replaced by age, you'd better damned well have earned some inner beauty, because people with no inner beauty get ugly on the outside with age. Not just ugly, HIDEOUS! That's why they call its opposite "growing old gracefully."

 

3. ������� Besides, it's stupid to value the young and inexperienced at the expense of the older and more experienced. It'd be like if privates in the military had higher rank than the generals!

 

4. ������� We should value ALL people. Experience is needed NOW, and the young are here to gain experience for the future. They are the future. Turn the future into today, and you miss the whole point of today. Don't dwell in the past OR the future, but in the gift that Goddess gives us, called the present!

 

5. ������� 'Kay, 'nuff 'a' that. Too much serious stuff at once, right?

 

6. ������� Lo! All people are your Brothers and Sisters. So it's impossible to NOT inbreed!

 

����������� Rub-a-dub-dub, that's the scoop.

 

Another picture of the Divine Saint Tara Lipinski

 

Movement 5:1, A Prayer

 

1. ������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may cut a path for myself through the dense, fertile lands of the mind that too many people ignore to their own detriment.

����������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I can cut (or at least scare) the small minds who try to make me conform (or kill me in the attempt) to their "norms."

 

2. ������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may extricate the rot of society from my soul, the bad ideas paraded around as good ideas.

����������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may be myself in a sea of conformists who pretend to be individualists.

 

3. ������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may cut away peoples' preconceived notions of various things (including reality) so they can form their own opinions.

����������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I can cut the ropes of thought that enslave people to evil, outdated, greedy, useless, and abusive institutions.

 

4. ������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may defend the misunderstood (unless they choose to defend themselves).

����������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I may prepare mental feasts for the intellectually hungry, and to save the intellectually starving.

 

5.������ Lady, lend me Your Knife so I can cut away the tediousness in my life and make Tediousness Stew to feed to my pet Groggles.

����������� Lady, lend me Your Knife so I can use it toward the betterment of poor, primitive-minded Humanity (myself included). And---what's that? I'VE HAD IT IN MY HAND ALL ALONG??? We ALL have Your Knife? (What a scary thought!)

 

6. Lo! So true! So it is written! Hail Shao'Kehn, All Hail Discordia! HUZZAH! A-women!

 

 

JJJ

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