Shoikinistic Discordian Manifesto
By Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn
AKA Pope Fay, The Faintly Saintly Dainty
(Patron Saint of Extra-Sharp Cheddar Cheese, and of Shoikinistic Discordians).
With a little help from my younger sister,
Princess Very Merry Cherry
(Patron Saint of Younger Sisters)
(Anything Divinely inspired by the Princess will be marked thusly: "WHoPVMC"
meaning "With Help of� Princess Very Merry Cherry")
(Anything Divinely inspired by the Princess, but with just a little help from the Profit-Saint,
will be marked thusly: "MPVMC,WHBtPS"
meaning "Mainly Princess Very Merry Cherry, With Help By the Profit-Saint")
THUS BEGINNITH THE MANIFESTO:
001. Lots of famous people have written manifestos, like Karl Marx of The Marx Brothers, and the Surrealists. Lots of Discordians these days have manifestos, too, so I decided to write one.
002. For my first act, I will perform a miracle by defining Shoikinistic Discordianism:
003. Shoikinistic Discordianism is Shao'Kehn's version of Discordianism. A Shoikinistic Discordian is someone who worships Shao'Kehn, and/or is a Discordian. A Shoikinistic-Discordian-by-proxy is anyone who likes anything written by a Shoikinistic Discordian, and/or likes anything written by anyone who likes anything written by a Shoikinistic Discordian. Or anyone who hates George W. Bush or his father. Anyone who thinks Bill Clinton is God and should be Emperor of the World might be a Shoikinistic Discordian. And anyone who hates Discordianism, Paganism, Satanism, Democrats, or Green Party-ists is an asshole.
004. For my next act, I shall write the Shoikinistic Discordian Manifesto:
005. We are fucking tired of Spam. Spam is evil. Spam is the Anti-Shao'Kehn. Spam ought to be sent to another planet, have them deal with it. It is evil incarnate. And so are wasps. Wasps are evil, kill them on sight. WASPS are evil, too, but killing them on sight would get you locked up in jail with some guy named Bubba who would make you his bitch. So WASPS may be evil, but don't kill them--just mindfuck their brains into jelly. (Which would make their brains a thicker consistency than it was before.)
006. We are fucking tired of the word "fucking" being a curse word. We are tired of invoking Jesus Christ when angry. We are tired of saying things like hell, Gawd, and Christ when swearing. So we make up our own swear words:
1. Da-vekii [daa-veh-key]: n. pl. 1. "Turds" singular vesion (ie, "turd") is vekii.
2. Nahkaytah: Has no meaning that we know of yet.
3. Thrik-Nai: See above definition.
4. Spam: n. An evil "food" that is a bane on society. It is keeping lots of people from enlightenment.
5. Wasp: n. An evil insect whose only purpose in life is to build nests near your door and get pissed off at anything you do, then stinging you. Killing a wasp is considered a holy prayer to Shao'Kehn. Letting a wasp live is blasphemy. ("WHoPVMC")
6. WASP: n. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Need I say more? ("WHoPVMC")
7. Bubble-wrap: n. An evil plastic packaging material that, while it may supply hours of fun, is nonetheless evil because it pollutes. ("WHoPVMC")
8. Lawyer: n. You know what a lawyer is, I don't need to tell you they're evil. ("WHoPVMC")
9. MS-DOS: n. MicroSoft Disk Operating System. Because Microsoft is an evil corporation bent on world domination.
10. Dogma: n. Strict religious beliefs that are said to always be Truth, but are not.
007. We are bubble-wrap tired of lawn mowers! They hurt the grass, and for what? So it looks neat and orderly? We're Discordians, we SEVERELY DISLIKE order! Mown grass is spamming evil! Riding lawnmowers are even more evil, because it makes people enjoy the wonton murder of innocent grass and "weeds"!!! ("WHoPVMC")
And, of course, chemicals should be wasped out of existance! Chemicals are evil because they get rid of perfectly cool "weeds" like dandy-lions! ("WHoPVMC")
008. We are MS-DOS tired of bullies, with their miniscule brains, Greyface attitudes, trying to raise their low self-esteem by putting others down, and because we were nerds as children. (I was, weren't you?) We will take all bullies in the world, tie them to a chair, and force them to watch a 24-hour Barney The Dinosaur (or Teletubbies) marathon, until they scream and go insane, and are then inducted into the Discordian Kabal of Ex-Bullies. ("WHoPVMC")
009. We are lawyer fed-up with gourd-spammed mindless TV shows like Teletubbies, Barney, non-stop news channels (except for CNN, it's cool), and other such things. Why? It distracts us from fun things like watching paint dry.
010.We are nahkaytah tired of writing manifestos, and reading them. We think they ought to be called womanifestos, or maybe personifestos instead. But then again, I guess it's just manifesto desinty!
Other various stuff in our manifesto:
011.We believe that once upon a time, the world was a sad, dreary place. But then Pope Fay was born, and the world got better. Then Princess Very Merry Cherry was born, and we're not quite sure what that means yet. It's like the question, "Which came first, the chicken or the chicken egg?" In other words, a mind puzzle.
(This is too silly. If you want to, skip to the serious part called "A Sermon.")
012.Of course, we also believe that Pope Fay is sometimes a bit of an egomaniac, and we said the above just to please djai. (Sorry, Pope).
013. We also believe in talking to ourselves and pretending that we are more than one person talking amongst each other, like the paragraph above. (Who's pretending?)
014. We believe in eating Runts and Nerds as one of many ways to become enlightened. We believe that people who don't like Nerds or Runts are wierd, and are doomed to spend their afterlife in a state of Macarena ("the state of Limbo" was already taken--besides, Macarena is worse because you have to dance the Macarena). However, if you don't like banana-flavored Runts, we applaud you. If you do like them, fine by us. Pope Fay just doesn't like them. (An aside= Pope Fay's sister looooooves the banana Runts. But then, she's a younger sister, and younger sisters are always Mary Contrary).
015. We believe in the liberation of the oppressed people of western Monaco, who are being oppressed by the eastern Monaco-ans. And in the liberation of the people of The Vatican City, who are being oppressed by a renegade Pope. We believe that all Discordian Popes should jake the spam out of Pope Nazinger, for being such an asshole.
016. We the Kandis [kan-dees] and/or other Mystical Creatures believe in a free and beautiful world of candy and sugar for All-Things-that-deserve-it-not-including-George-W-Bush-his-father-religious-fundamentalists-and-any-spam-eating-wasp-saving-people. And lawyers. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
017. We do not believe in smelly underarms! And we believe in having the longest nose-hair in the world. Or not. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
018. We believe in believing we are members of the opposite sex. Or not. Pope Fay, after all, is trans-gendered. Although djai (s/he) claims that s/he is a hermaphrodite in a male body. *Shrugs* ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
019. We believe in these six commandments (The Sextobarf):
1. Thou shalt not let other people beat up your younger (or older) sibling. That is to be your job.
2. Thou shalt not believe anything you see on TV, unless you want to.
3. Thou shalt not take the body of the Lard in Vein, for such shall be consumed to be the work of Ronald McDonald, and you will go to Macarena for that sin! (Unless you use your Pope-ly powers to absolve yourself, or if you are a Saint.)
4. Thou shalt not piss off Shao'Kehn, if thou knowest what ist good for you.
5. Thou shalt not speaketh in Olde English like this, unless for mocking effect.
6. Thou shalt remember that as a Pope, you have the power to fuck the rules like Bill Clinton fucking Monica.
020. We believe in cannonizing ourselves as Saints. All Shoikinistic Discordians will be Saints, whether they want to be or not. Pick a Saint name and what you're the Patron Saint of, or we'll do it for you. Believe us, it'll be fun being a Saint. Because then when someone yells "Saints preserve us!" we'll either mummify them or throw them into a jar of formaldahyde. Or a jar of informaldajeckyll.
021. We believe in extremely bad puns. We believe in funs with puns, and funs with nuns. There ain't nun better than a pun in the son, in difference-mer (as opposed to sum-mer). Or lose-ter (as opposed to win-ter). Dew ewe like too have fun inne the son?
022. We believe in being the Keepers of the Sacred Catma of Shao'Kehn, whatever that is. I guess it's so we can put KSCS after our names. Like how the Keepers of the Sacred Chao put KSC after their names.
023. We believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, The Ostara Bunny, The Great Pumpkin, and the "Saint Fayanora Day" Demon. Or not. We believe that The Tooth Fairy is a gay man, and really tired of being called a fairy. We believe that if we lose teeth, he'll give us five bucks for each one, as he is building a condo in Hollywood made of teeth (so he can get into the Guiness Book of World Records). Or not.
024. We believe that putting out Extra-Sharp Cheddar Cheese for Santa Clause will make him so happy that he will give us twice as many presents, and a personal thank-you card. And we believe in Christmas coming three times a year. Or not.
025. We believe that The Ostara Bunny is the Easter Bunny's older brother, and that the Easter Bunny is a female. Or not.
026. We believe that The Great Pumpkin will always come to pumpkin patches on Halloween, but he will be invisible. Or not.
027. We believe that the "Saint Fayanora Day" Demon is a really ugly angel who ran away from Heaven because Heaven is a hall of mirrors. We believe that on Saint Fayanora Day (every July First) we should prepare a care basket the day before for the "SFD" Demon, complete with extra-sharp cheddar cheese, a lemon poppy-seed muffin, a note saying it's for the "SFD" Demon, and some other foods. Then on Saint Fayanora Day, we take this care basket out and leave it next to the nearest swing-set in the nearest park while no-one is looking. Shao'Kehn will let him know where it is.
028. We believe that Star Trek was divinely inspired by Shao'Kehn, and that we must watch it. (Although the original series is so campy that Shao'Kehn totally understands if you don't watch it).
029. We believe that the toilet seat is a throne, and that all people, whether male or female, must sit down on it. Or not.
030. We believe that the floor is actually the biggest shelf in the house. And that when your parents nag you to pick up the books, papers, and other stuff off the floor and to neatly put them back on the shelf where they belong, you should. Then, when they leave, to put it all back onto the floor. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
031. We believe that when fundies tell us that we're going to go to Hell, to say, "Oh, great, Hell! I hear it's a lovely place to go, much more interesting than Heaven. They've got the biggest party in the universe there, and their DJ is Jesus Christ, who is a wild partier!"
032. We believe that the answers to all the universe's questions are answered in the state between sleeping and being awake, which we forget almost immediately.
033. We believe in loving ourselves. We believe in wining and dining ourselves and sending ourselves valentines. Then, when we break up with ourselves, we will stalk ourselves and send ourselves creepy emails and phone calls. We will then get a restraining order so we can't be within 50 feet of ourselves. This will freak out a lot of police-people and judges.
034. We believe in finding weird ways of drinking pop. Like with a spoon. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
035. We believe in eating with our fingers, because Eris and/or Shao'Kehn didn't invent silverware, some Greyfaced human did. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
036. We believe in liking books, and reading them. Books are food for the mind, TV is the sulferic acid of the brain. Anyone who doesn't like books is doomed to spend the afterlife in a 6x6x6 room alone with Pope John Paul what's-his-number and George W. Bush and his father. Unless you are absolved by whoever the current Head Pope of Shoikinistic Discordia is (currently Pope Fay).
037. We believe in The Post Office Liberation Front. This means that we will occaisionally do things like sending anonymous mail to random people, random mail to anonymous and/or fictional people, anonymous mail to:
The Post Office Liberation Front
666 Satan Drive
Hell, Iowa 50666
Or sending anything to anyone with this return address:
Reverend Pigpen Cowflop
69 Sex Avenue
Shitsville, Iowa 50069
038. We believe in singing strange Irish folk songs in the shower, and attempting to do the Riverdance while all soapy. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
039. We believe in standing in front of popular stores, passing out pamphets about the "Save The Congressmen" Fund, asking for donations to save Congressmen of America, who aren't making enough money to feed their families.
040. We believe in picking people at random to be "Object of Worship of the Week." We believe in sending mail and/or email to this person during that week, expressing your love of their Divinity, and asking them if they would like an altar made for them, where they want it, and if they want you to sacrifice cans of spam at their altar or not.
041. We believe in spending four hours trying to decide what color of shoes to wear. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
042. We believe that if you stand in front of the mirror for long enough, you will begin to turn into a Demon. Or not. ("MPVMC,WHBtPS")
043. We also believe in The Yahgahn Way, as seen on page four of the TBOSSSI. Or not.
044. And lastly, we believe in driving people insane by repeating things like "we believe" and "Or not." We believe. Or not. We believe. Or not. We believe. Or not. Are you insane yet?
By The Profit-Saint Fayanora "Sinner" Ahnabahn
045. Four score and seven years ago, I wasn't alive. At least, four score and seven years before May 2001, I wasn't alive. Or maybe I was. I could have been.
046. I have a dream that some day the fundies will lie down with the Discordians, and they won't use protection. Neither will we. Then we will see the birth of a new generation of... something. Will it be human? I don't know. If we're lucky, it won't be.
047. A Profit-see by the Profit-Saint= In the 22nd century, somebody will do something very bad, which will get them noticed by the world, then assassinated. After that, Discordians will take over the world and set up an anarchy. This period will then be known as "Utopia." Aliens from the planet Schnozz will come down and trade us a metal that is indestructible in exchange for Spam. We will readily accept this trade because Spam is a rediculously low price for something so valuable, and it gets rid of our Spam problem (which by that time Spam will have been mutated into a life-form by radiation fallout what happened in World War Three). End Profit-see.
048. I have a dream that one day people will use drugs responsibly, and only to induce visions of Gawd, Gawdess, or other such Day-ity. So then you'll be able to legally have mescaline dreams. (While the Forces of Evil continue to outlaw drugs, we suggest you don't push your luck).
049. Four score and seven years from now, I will finally get some nookie again. It seems like it's been four score and seven years since I had any to begin with!
050. Shao'Kehn says to go out and buy a large knife, make it Her official ritual knife (for your use in rituals of Shao'Kehn), carry it with you everywhere. If you go on an airplane trip, innocently say that it's an object of religious significance when they try to take you or it away. Or you could avoid the whole mess, carry a wooden knife in your pocket. But your REAL knife should be in your heart. Figuratively speaking.
051. Shao'Kehn says to go forth and write serious-funny sermons. She is offended by writing meaningless babble and calling it scripture. Some might argue this is meaningless babble, but it is quite obvious that they're just stupid.
052. And go out, buy soap on a rope, and call it a Pope. Pope on a rope. And that's the straight dope.
Composition #366: Declaration of Inter-dependance
The Last Word
053. Go forth and be Discordians! Don't eat Spam, it's evil. And make sure to read all of Pope Fay's scriptures, including the non-Discordian ones. Take three of these blue pills and call me in the morning. No, my name is not "in the morning." I meant, take the pills, then when morning comes, telephone me. That clear enough for you?
054. Go forth and have Discordian experiences that inspire you to write truly great scripture. Preach to the breasts, make them give up their heavin' ways. Sacrifice a can of Spam on the altar, then act surprised when Goddess says, "Ick, I don't like Spam." Be blasphemous--blasphemy is good.