That's left, boys, girls, male-to-female transgendered people, female-to-male transgendered people, male-to-female transSEXUAL people, female-to-male transSEXUAL people, androgynous people, and hermaphrodites (especially hermaphrodites, since Shao'Kehn is one, though She looks more like a female), YOU CAN BE SHAVED! If ham can be shaved, if legs can be shaved, if--- huh? What? Oh, silly me... YOU CAN BE SAVED, as in Jesus Saves, he scores, TOUCHDOWN! (Sorry for the mistake, now I must go out and save hams).
Yes, Shao'Kehn is YER SAVE-YER! Forget The Holey (as in Full of Holes) By-Bull of the Kristuns! FUDGE the sugary-sweet enlightenment of Fluffy-Bunny religions! The world ain't all nice, and so neither is Shao'Kehn! (But She has Her Nice Side as well, like Kali, only without the Hindu symbolism).
...lament that there is no English pronoun lacking gender? That one must be a he or a she, or else be fed to the wolves as an abnormal freak of nature?
...weep in yer pillows at night that sex has too many rules, and people pay more attention to the body you're in and not enough attention to your soul?
...believe that SOMETHING is right, that there IS Truth, but we humans just don't know what it is? But you're too spiritual to be an agnostic, and current incarnations of Discordianism just don't meet your needs? IS ERIS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
...feel like abnormal people should form their own sub-cultures, but you don't want to be a Goth, and normal Discordians are TOO chaotic?
...gripe and bitch and moan about how Discordians tend to repeat stuff from the Principia Discordia, and don't create enough meaningful scripture? ARE YOU CREATIVE AND LOOKING FOR NEW MATERIAL???
...have the ability to turn a phrase on a dime?
...wish I would get to the point?
FINE THEN, I WILL!
THEN Shao'Kehn (The Mother) COULD BE FOR YOU!
MEDIATE on the SACRED NAMES of Shao'Kehn.
If they make ANY sense to you, then She may be for you=
Shao'Kehnsstreamofconsciousness Personality - This
Personality is the most random, but most creative Personality. When I channel
this Personality, I am able to write poetry that is one large paragraph with
little or no punctuation, as all the sentences run into each other, the end of
one sentence becoming the beginning of the next (usually). Some of that poetry
will be included in this book, with annotation telling which personality made
it, but it will be obvious when you see it.
This Personality is the one that arose when Shao'Kehn first came out of The Heart of The Chaos to challenge Ahn'Dahn. So this one can be peaceable (as it usually is), or it can be angry.
2. The Lover - This Personality is much more human-like. She laughs a lot in this personality, and She's a lot more like Eris in this Personality. It's this Personality that I get a lot of my Discordian inspiration from. Channeling this one is very fun.
3. The Mother - Fiercely protective in this form, She's also very loving. Using this one, you can find comfort and/or protection. It is The Mother you invoke when you call upon Shao-Kehn's Knife for protection.
4. The Wyld Womun - This Personality is Life personified. She is energetic, wild, and a lot of fun, but She doesn't say much in this Aspect (unless combined with other Personalities). Channel Her in this Personality, and She'll let you be able to dance past the point of exhaustion. The channeling of The Wyld Womun only stops when your body can't keep up with Her anymore. She is a never-tiring wellspring of energy.
5. The Bitch - She is the negative sides of Life (destructive chaos, hatred, murder, death, etc) all the things that humans label as bad, with nothing nice to balance it out. Don't channel this Personality unless you want to get in major fucking trouble. Shao'Kehn doesn't even use this personality Herself, and has been trying to atrophy it (but us humans keep it alive). [Obsolete info]
6. The Dark Mother - This version of "The Mother" Personality is the Dark Side of Shao'Kehn (like The Bitch), but with a loving touch. (i.e., destruction that helps life, like natural forest fires). I use this Personality to deal with issues I have that I may not even know I have. As the poem about The Dark Mother Aspect of Shao'Kehn says, "She ripped out my heart, showed it to me." An experience with The Dark Mother is one you're liable to never forget. Don't count on never having to experience this one, Shao'Kehn has a way of switching personalities on you if there's something you need to know. My first experience with The Dark Mother was where I was channeling The Wyld Womun, but Shao'Kehn, toward the end of the channeling, switched to The Dark Mother and shed light on some hidden pain that I was repressing, and I cried. But I felt healed afterwards.
Shao'Kehn is Yer Save-Yer because She will Save-Yer personal possessions, Yer Soul, and anything else ewe want saved!
1. Has the FUNNY side of Eris.
2. Has The NASTY side of Kali (without all the Hindu symbolism).
3. Has The MOTHERLY side of Kali and other Goddesses.
4. Can be a He, a She, or a Djai (that's that genderless pronoun I was talking about).
5. HAS A WILD side, to invoke for GREAT SEX!!!
6. Will smite your enemies just as willing as She will eventually smite you. But She loves You AND your enemies.
7. Has a SERIOUS side.
8. Is married to Ahn'Dahn, Our Lady of Just Enough Organization, so Shao'Kehn has an ORGANIZED side.
9. Has FUN RITUALS!
10. Loves to have you dance naked at night (or any other time) for Her. (But She doesn't require it.)
11. Says that SOMETHING IS TRUE, BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
12. CAN BE ANY KIND OF DEITY YOU WANT HER TO BE. (Except fundamentalist. She HATES fundamentalism.)
13. WILL DO YOU GOOD. (Interpret that however you wish to.)
How did YOU interpret the phrase "SOMETHING IS TRUE, BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I KNOW WHAT IT IS."???
Well, here's how I interpertateded it (since it was a Random Shao'Kehn Thing, I didn't see its depth until after it came out)= If we know WHAT the Truth is, we're damned. Damned to an existence of pure effing misery, FORGOURDANDPETES FRIGGIN SAKE!!!
SO BECOME A Shao'KehnIST TODAY!!! (Or tomorrow, whenever is best for you, if you
want to. But I highly recommend it.)
Say Thiin (theen) instead of "I" (bigger word--more importance)
Say Vwon (vwaan) instead of "me" (as last word, but capitalization adds greater significance to You!)
Say Koh (co) instead of "You"
Say Kriiah (kree-uh) instead of "Your"
Say Kohrain (co rain) instead of "All" (Why? Again, I say WHY NOT?)
Say Taekah (tay-caa) instead of "Love" (" Why?" " WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS! ")
IT TO BE DJAIR RITE TO DEW SEW!
Become a Chip Monk or Pun of Shao'Kehn.
We'll have Nun of that!!! Sea, it's habit forming!
WE SPEAK IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE BECAUSE WE'RE DISILLUSIONED WITH ENGLISH, AND WE MAY BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAIM (BODY) OF THE LARD IN VEIN,
FOR IT SHALL CAUSE ARTERIOSCLEROSIS!!!
HEATHENS!!! 5 is not the number of Goddess (at least not of Shao'Kehn)... 6 is!
�YOU� WILL FREEZE FOREVER IN MACARENA!
Well, not quite. Y'see, our OTHER Save-yer, The Profit-Saint Fayanora, wast given the Pink Rubber Strap-On Book in which to preach unto the righteous against their DEATH-LIKE SINS. For it wast revealed that the Profit-Saint will save you from eternal freezing in Macarena simply by preaching against all that is Somewhat Evil, like Spam, and things that are Really Evil, like wasps, lawyers, politicians, and Some Other Things.
FOR THOSE WHO THINK JESUS IS YER SAVE-YER: Yeah, sure, Jesus WILL Save-yer soul, but only if you buy into the Christian dogma. (It's Divine Law, he has to). But the problem is, WHICH Christian dogma? There are more sects of Christianity than there is sects at the annual swinger's orgies!!! In order for Jesus to save-yer soul, you have to SIMULTANEOUSLY believe in ALL AND NONE of the Christian Dogmas, which for a God would be almost impossible, and for normal humans is beyond impossible! And even if there WERE just One True Christian Dogma, IT'S TOO MUCH WORK TO BE SAVED BY JESUS. Too many laws, too much stuff to do. And yeah, some Christians believe Jesus dying on the cross automatically saves all peoples' souls, but not very many.
�Having your soul saved by the Profit-Saint is EASY!!! All she has to do is preach against whatever she thinks is evil at the time. Since she bitches a lot, she's almost constantly preaching against things she thinks are evil, and when she's not, if you were alive or already dead at a time she was preaching, then your soul is saved. ALL THOSE WHO ONCE LIVED ARE SAVED. The odds of anyone NOT being AUTOMATICALLY Saved by The Profit-Saint are HIGHER than the odds of being gang-"raped" by a horde of naked, horny, sexy, bisexual women (or whatever your preference is) while Jesus Christ rides past on a unicycle and elephants rain down from the sky whilst 1000 dead men rise from their graves and dance the Lambada with 1001 llamas drinking Baccardi alcohol mixed with sulfuric acid laced with mescaline and ecstasy!!! (And/or George W. Bush training to be a Voucour[Voodoo priest].)
Once saved by the Profit-Saint, you will then get to go WHEREVER you want to after death, even into Nothingness if that is your way. EVEN ATHEISTS CAN FIND COMFORT IN HER SAVE-YERism!!!
It wast revealed unto our Profit-Saint upon receiving the pink rubber strap-on book that the pages containing the Ultimate Truth were empty. OR SEEMED TO BE!!! For the Absolute Truth IS written within its pages, but in INVISIBLE INK!!! And anyone who can figure out how to read the words contained within its pages will be AUTOMATICALLY MADE INTO A GOD OR GODDESS UPON EARTH!!! (Of course, there are other ways to become a Deity on Earth, but this is just telling of a NEW WAY!!!)
And WHY does the strap-on book have these invisible words? Because obviously, for ANYTHING to happen (your existence, or the illusion of your existence), there has to be SOMETHING that is true. Yes, PREACH against the heathens that say 'nothing is true,' for they LIE. For SOMETHING IS TRUE, but we just DON'T SEE IT!
����������� Shao'Kehnistic Discordianism is about the search to find the WHOLLY BATHROOM OF REALITY so that we can PULL BACK THE SHOWER-CURTAIN OF REALITY, and thereby REVEAL The Naked Truth!!! But I warn thee: reveal the Ultimate Truth in all Her Nakedness, and She's liable to bitch-slap you into last Saturday, for She is Naked and Showering. Her scream may pierce your ears!
����������� But if you act quickly, you may be able to kiss Truth upon the lips. If She does not resist, then you can FUCK the Truth. Yes, FUCK THE TRUTH, IT DOES NOT MATTER. The Ultimate Truth is a constantly changing Divine Acid Trip. It is SOMETHING, but since it changes so much, it MIGHT AS WELL BE NOTHING! And though it may change constantly, it never has a truly new form.
YES!!! There is NOTHING new under the sun! Or the daughter, either. Which is why I want to be either over or under your daughter, Sir. And if your sun swings that way, him too! Being on the bottom is better, you ain't got so much work to do, and it feels a HELL of a lot better!
WANT GREAT SEX? "Bob" may offer great sex, but in order to get it, you have to pay $20 and worship Jehovah-1, the mad space god. But WE will give you GREAT SEX FOR FREE !!! Yes, GREAT SEX can be yours FREE!!! All you have to do is worship (or pretend to worship) Our Ladies Shao'Kehn and The Profit-Saint Fayanora!!! And all that means is, you must merely ADORE them, and PRAISE them once a week (or whenever you think about it), and basically pay lip service to one very nice Goddess and one very nice Profit-Saint. Yes, for all you have to do is BE A FRIEND AND/OR LOVER AND/OR RELATIVE of the Profit-Saint, AND/OR a FRIEND AND/OR LOVER to Shao'Kehn, and you'll get GREAT SEX!!! ("This is the police. We're hoping that the 'and/or' right before 'relative' was a typo, right?" *Fay guffaws* "Yeah, thanks for pointing that out to me!!!" Three seconds later, she forgot to change it. [when you have a hurricane of Genius Thoughts whirling around in your brain, you tend to forget things... although now that I think about it, many states allow cousins to marry, and those are relatives. Sadly, though, the only cousin I think is hot is an idiot and hates me. The others are too old and thus are married already].)
So do yourself a favor--BECOME A Shao'KehnIST!!!