The Original:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Shoikinistic Version:

The Lord is their shepherd; but I shall not want him to be Mine.

He maketh them lie down in green pastures: he leadeth them beside the still waters. But I am a grownup, I can find such place for Myself, and I don't understand why they need help.

He restoreth their souls: he leadeth them in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. My soul I restored by Myself: I have seen the path of rigteousness, and it leads to no good. I thereby avoid it.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for I am My own best defense; I need not the Lord’s rod and staff to comfort Me, there's nothing I can't handle if I put My mind to it.

He preparest a table before them in the presence of their enemies: he anointest their head with oil; yet My cup runneth over without his help, for I am My own God. And why You would want to eat while all Your enemies are around You is beyond Me. Oh, and You ought to be Your own God, too.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow Me all the days of My life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord NEVER. If I want to live with a man, it’ll be with one I can see, feel, touch, and cuddle with. A-women.

 

 

 

 

The Original:

 

St. Gertrude's Guardian Angel Prayer

 

“O most holy angel of God, appointed by God to be my guardian, I give you thanks for all the benefits which you have ever bestowed on me in body and in soul. I praise and glorify you that you condescended to assist me with such patient fidelity, and to defend me against all the assaults of my enemies. Blessed be the hour in which you were assigned me for my guardian, my defender and my patron. In acknowledgement and return for all your loving ministries to me, I offer you the infinitely precious and noble heart of Jesus, and firmly purpose to obey you henceforward, and most faithfully to serve my God. Amen.”

 

Shoikinistic version:

 

Saint Fayanora’s Guardian Spirit Praise

 

“Oh most holy Guardian Spirit of Shao’Kehn, created by Shao’Kehn, and self-appointed to help Me out when I’m in over My head, I give thanks for all the benefits which You need not bestow on Me in body and in soul, for I haven’t needed Your help much (but I appriciate You being there all the same). I praise and glorify You that You assist Me when I call to You, and to defend Me against all the assaults of My enemies when I feel overwhelmed. Blessed be the hour in which You chose to be with Me as My Guardian Spirit, My defender and My patron when I feel Your need. In acknowledgement and return for all Your loving ministries to Me, I offer You the infinitely precious and noble heart of all My Love and Admiration, and firmly purpose to smile always on You henceforward, and most faithfully to use Your assistance so I can become My Own God, and You to be at My Right Hand if You wish to, and My Shadow on My Left. A-women.”

 

 

 

Original:

 

For the Lord's Cleansing, Defense, and Governance of the Church

 

“May your continual pity, O Lord, cleanse and defend Your Church; and, because without you she cannot endure in safety, may she ever be governed by Your bounty. Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son, Who lives and reigns with You in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God, world without end. Amen.”

 

Shoikinistic Version:

 

For Shoikin’s Cleansing, Defense, and Governance of the Temple

 

“May Our continual ‘Holy shit! This place is a mess!’es, Oh Lady, cleanse and defend Our Temple; and, because without Us she cannot endure in safety, may she ever be governed by Our bounty, and kept safe from Your bad moods. Through Our Lady, Tara Lipinski, Your Daughter, Who lives and reigns with Us in the unity of the Holey Swiss Cheese, Gouda, and world without posterior. A-women.”

Original:

Prayer for the Sanctification of Labor

“O God, the creator of all things, you framed the law of labor for the human race. Graciously grant, by the example and patronage of St. Joseph, that we may do the work you provide us and earn the reward you promise. Sustain us with your grace to live up to our duties in charity and justice. Amen.”

 

SHOIKINISTIC VERSION:

Prayer for the Survival of Us Though We Labor

“O Shao’Kehn, the creator and destroyer of all things, Chaos personified and consort of Ahndahn Who Is Order, You fought the law of labor for the human race with radios, games, and entertainment. We whistle while We work. Graciously grant, by the example and patronage of Saint Emperor Norton, that We may do the work that must needs be done, as long as You provide Us with the entertainment and earn the reward We promise. Sustain us with Your Eternal Grace (like a ballerina or Tara Lipinski has) to live up to our duties enough to get paid. A-women.”

 

_ _ _

 

ORIGINAL:

A Prayer for the Preservation of the Faith

“O my Redeemer, will that dreadful time ever come, when but few Christians shall be left who are inspired by the spirit of faith, that time when Thine anger shall be provoked and Thy protection shall be take away from us? Have our vices and our evil lives irrevocably moved Thy justice to take vengeance, perhaps this very day, upon Thy children? O Thou, the beginning and end of our faith, we conjure Thee, in the bitterness of our contrite and humbled hearts, not to suffer the fair light of faith to be extinguished in us. Remember Thy mercies of old, turn Thine eyes in mercy upon the vineyard planted by Thine own right hand, and watered by the sweat of the Apostles, by the precious blood of countless Martyrs and by the tears of so many sincere penitents, and made fruitful by the prayers of so many Confessors and innocent Virgins. O divine Mediator, look upon those zealous souls who raise their hearts to Thee and pray ceaselessly for the maintenance of that most precious gift of Thine, the true faith. We beseech Thee, O God of justice, to hold back the decree of our rejection, and to turn away Thine eyes from our vices and regard instead the adorable Blood shed upon the Cross, which purchased our salvation and daily intercedes for us upon our altars. Ah, keep us safe in the true Catholic and Roman faith. Let sickness afflict us, vexations waste us, misfortunes overwhelm us! But preserve in us Thy holy faith; for if we are rich with this precious gift, we shall gladly endure every sorrow, and nothing shall ever be able to change our happiness. On the other hand, without this great treasure of faith, our unhappiness would be unspeakable and without limit! O good Jesus, author of our faith, preserve it untainted within us; keep us safe in the bark of Peter, faithful and obedient to his successor and Thy Vicar here on earth, that so the unity of Holy Church may be maintained, holiness fostered, the Holy See protected in freedom, and the Church universal extended to the benefit of souls. O Jesus, author of our faith, humble and convert the enemies of Thy Church; grant true peace and concord to all Christian kings and princes and to all believers; strengthen and preserve us in Thy holy service, so that we may live in Thee and die in Thee. O Jesus, author of our faith, let me live for Thee and die for Thee. Amen.”

SHOIKINISTIC VERSION:

A Prayer to Keep The Faith

Oh Our Lady, will that dreadful time ever leave, when but few People abound who are inspired by the spirit of faith in themselves, that horrid time when little anger is directed at organized religion’s follies, and Thy wisdom is wrongfully seen as folly? Hast Our race’s masochistic and ‘righteous’ lives irrevocably moved Your Knife to strike Our weak and ‘the meek shall inherit the earth’ brethren to their deaths, perhaps this very day, upon they Your lost children? Or will they wise up before they poison the land to its death? Oh You, the beginning and end of ‘The Faith,’ We conjure You, in the bitterness of Our disillusioned and saddened hearts, not to suffer the fair light of The Faith to be extinguished in Us. Let Us not lose The Faith, especially not the faith in ourselves. Remember Your gifts of old, turn Your eyes in pity upon the dying vineyard planted by Your own left hand, and watered by the sweat of Us Your Apostles, by the precious blood of countless Fools who waste their lives over religious conflicts and by the tears of so many broken families destroyed by ‘Absolute Truth’ and ‘Divine Justice’, and made fruitless by the desperate prayers and pleadings of so many worn-out and innocent people. Oh Divine Life-Giver Shao’Kehn, look upon those zealous souls who raise their hearts to God and pray ceaselessly for the maintenance of that most precious gift of “His,” the “one true faith,” and pity them their foolishness. We beseech Thee, O Goddess of Chaos and Protection, to hold back the decree of death unto those among Our ranks who choose rejection of their own power, and We ask You to turn away Your eyes from their masochisms, their ‘righteousness’ and regard instead the adorable puppy eyes they make as they beg and plead for mercy. Ah, keep Us safe from the ‘true’ Catholic and Roman faith, and all other faiths immersed to the core in sickness and corruption, like Fluffy-Bunny Paganism as well. Heal the sickness that afflicts them, for they are vexations that waste Our time, it’s sad that misfortunes overwhelm them! But preserve in Us The Faith; for if We are rich with this precious gift, We shall endure every sorrow, and nothing shall ever be able to change Our happiness, for We will be Gods in Our own right while they wet their pants at the sight of Us. On the other hand, without this great treasure of faith in Ourselves, Our unhappiness would be unspeakable and without limit, just as theirs is! Oh good Shao’Kehn, author of The Faith, preserve it untainted within Us; keep Us safe in the bark of the Doberman and from faithfulness and obedience to god’s successor and his Vicar here on earth, as that be THEIR way and not Ours. Make it so that the unity and diversity of Our Wholly Temple of Shao’Kehn may be maintained, whole-iness fostered, the Holy Sea protected in freedom from pollution, and the Temple’s resources universally extended to the benefit of all souls on Earth. O Shao’Kehn, author of The Faith, humble and convert the enemies of Our Temple by teaching them to follow their own way instead of the way of “God”; grant true peace and Happy Discord to all people and to all who believe in Themselves; strengthen and preserve Us in Our holy servicing, so that We may live with Thee and die in Thy loins (from whence We were born). O Shao’Kehn, author of The Faith, let Me live for Me and die for Me. A-women.

Original:

You are Christ

“You are Christ, my Holy Father, my Tender God, my Great King, my Good Shepherd, my Only Master, my Best Helper, my Most Beautiful and my Beloved, my Living Bread, my Priest Forever, my Leader to my Country, my True Light, my Holy Sweetness, my Straight Way, my Excellent Wisdom, my Pure Simplicity, my Peaceful Harmony, my Entire Protection, my Good Portion, my Everlasting Salvation.

Christ Jesus, Sweet Lord, why have I ever loved, why in my whole life have I ever desired anything except You, Jesus my God? Where was I when I was not in spirit with You? Now, from this time forth, do you, all my desires, grow hot, and flow out upon the Lord Jesus: run . . . you have been tardy until now; hasten where you are going; seek Whom you are seeking. O, Jesus may he who loves You not be an anathema; may he who loves You not be filled with bitterness.
        O, Sweet Jesus, may every good feeling that is fitted for Your praise, love You, delight in You, adore You! God of my heart, and my Portion, Christ Jesus, may my heart faint away in spirit, and may You be my Life within me! May the live coal of Your Love grow hot within my spirit and break forth into a perfect fire; may it burn incessantly on the altar of my heart; may it glow in my innermost being; may it blaze in hidden recesses of my soul; and in the days of my consummation may I be found consummated with You! Amen.”

SHOIKINISTIC VERSION:
I am My Own ‘Christ’

Repeat after Me: I am My Own ‘Christ’, a word that once meant ‘Savior,’ but has been changed by the Christians making it Jesus’ last name. I am Shao’Kehn, I am the Whole-y Mother, the Tender Goddess, the Great Queen! To Hell with “the sheep of God,” they all secretly want to go to Hell anyway! I am My Only Master, My Best Helper, My Most Beautiful and My Beloved, I am My Living Bread, My Priest Forever, My Leader to My Country, My True Light, My Holy Sweetness, My Straight Way, My Excellent Wisdom, My Pure Simplicity, My Peaceful Harmony, My Entire Protection, My Good Portion, My Own Everlasting Salvation.

I am My Own Savior, Sweet Lady, why have I ever loved a “Higher Being,” why in my whole life have I ever worshipped any “higher” than Me, My Own God? Where was I when I was not in spirit with Myself? Now, from this time forth, do I, all My desires, grow hot, and flow out upon the World: run . . . I have been tardy until now; hasten where I am going; seek Myself I am seeking. Oh, may I who loves Me not be an anathema; may I who loves Me not be filled with bitterness. And may I love My friends, family, and whoever else I deem worthy. And may pain come unto Mine enemies.

Oh, Sweetest Me, may every good feeling that is fitted for My praise, love Me, delight in Me, adore Myself! God of my heart, and my Self, Myself, may My heart go all aflutter, and may I be My Own Life within Me! May the live coal of My Love grow hot within My spirit and break forth into a perfect fire; may it burn incessantly on the altar of My heart; may it glow in My innermost being; may it blaze in hidden recesses of my soul; and in the days of my consummation may I be found consummated once again with My Self! A-women.”