Shoikinistic Magick
The Shao'Ahn'Dih'Gahn

Going where few have gone before!



1. Groggles

Category: Casual Magick Servitors

Description: Vaguely Draconic in appearance, Groggles have small bodies, short forearms, large hind legs, big heads, small beady red eyes, big fat pelican-like throats, roughly 5 feet in length, quadrupeds, winged, with large teeth that protrude from the bottom of the mouth, and lots of bumpy scales and horns.

Uses: Casual magick, such as changing stoplights to green, manipulating machines to do as you want them to do, or even destruction/messing up of machines. Groggles, as you can probably tell, work best with machines.


2. Groggelites

Category: Disruptive Magick Servitors

Description: Related to Groggles, these are smaller (about 3 feet in height) and bipedal, as they have no arms. These winged beasties also have a meaner disposition.

Uses: Same as Groggles, but they specialize in disruption of machinery, especially electronics such as computers.


3. FireFnords

            Category: Energy Seeker/Disruptive Magick Servitor

Description: Small balls of white, gold, red, or similar colored light about the size of the pinky fingernail. They are attracted to Eristic vibes (change, humor, chaos, etc) and repulsed by Aneristic vibes.

Uses: Use them to find Eristic vibes, or to judge the energy of a room. Put FireFnords in a room, and if they stay, it’s good. If they run away, that’s bad. FireFnords can also cause Eristic vibes, if ordered to. However, if too many FireFnords converge on an area, bad chaos will break out. This makes them good for Disruptive/Destructive Magick.



 Spell to bind someone's negative energy to themselves

This is a spell to bind someone's negative energy to themselves. A hex useful to use on someone who is an asshole to you.


NegEnergyBindHex 1.0---Real-Life, Face-To-Face version

1. Face the person.


2. Look them in the eyes.


3. Assess if they're dangerous or not. If they're dangerous, run like fuck and forget the hex; defend yourself as needed. If they're not dangerous, proceed to #4.


4. Say, "For being such a negative asshole, I'm going to hex you. All your negative energy will come back to you times 6."


5. Ignore their reply.


6. Roll your eyes into the back of your head, lift your arms and sway like you're seaweed in an aquarium with moving water, moan, and mutter gibberish that sounds ancient and spooky. Do this for 15 to 30 seconds, varying the speed and volume for dramatic effect. At the end (the climax), go into spasms and raise voice quite loud.


7. Pretend to faint.


8. When you get up about 10 seconds later, say, "There. I've hexed you. I think later tonight I'll reinforce the hex with a nice ritual sacrifice." (You can sacrifice a can of Spam if you want to, but no need to do any actual magick.)


9. Walk away.


10. It is important to keep a straight face during this whole thing, otherwise they'll know you're fooling them.


11. This hex DOES work. Here's how it works: People are inherently superstitious, no matter how much they claim to not be---especially the kind of people who pester you just to be pests (prosylatizers, door-to-door salespeople, in-laws). Their initial reaction may be one of scepticism, they'll tell themselves there's no such thing as magick, but eventually something bad will happen while they still remember the hex. They will immediately think, despite themselves, "Could this be the result of that hex?" They'll try to shrug it off, but the fear will nag them. Each bad thing to happen will make them more and more unsure of their disbelief in magick, until their own fear of the hex causes more bad things to happen to them. This only goes downhill until, before you know it, they're at the doorstep of a Voodo priest or some other similar person asking for a spell to break the hex. By now, their disbelief in magick has turned into a grudging belief in it, and so the counter-curse will eventually work for them just as the hex did. The end result is someone who grudgingly believes in magick, even if s/he denies it to themselves and others. If they see you again, they will probably avoid you for knowing the power of magick. If you see them when they see you (and if you recognize them of course), and they take off to avoid you or stand there looking scared and not knowing whether to go or not, smile evil-ly at them and walk toward them. They will most likely run like fuck.


NegEnergyBindHex 2.0---Via-Telephone version (works best for telephone solicitors)


1. Do exactly as you would for version 1.0, but realize that you can't see each other.


NegEnergyBindHex 3.0---Via-Internet version


1. Realize that, if you've been careful, the opponent most likely doesn't know any of your personal information.


2. Tell the person via email/messageboard posting/chatroom/IM message that you're fed up with their behavior, and you're going to hex them. Curse same as for version 1.0.


3. If email or message board posting, indicate somehow that time passes between telling them they're going to be hexed and telling them the hex is completed. If you can describe the hexing process (after telling of the completion of the hex), without it sounding corny or obviously a lie, do so.


4. If it's in a chatroom or an IM (Instant Messenger) service, tell them you're going to hex them (negative energy times 6 of course), say "BRB" (Be Right Back), and if possible change your status to either "be right back," "idle," or (as on Yahoo! IM) a custom status of "performing a black magick hex on [their name]."


5. Wait for however long you think they need to start thinking you're serious about being in the process of hexing them, but not so long that they log off or go elsewhere from boredom. About 30 seconds to a minute should suffice.


6. Tell them you've hexed them. Again, if you don't make it sound corny, describe what you did to hex them.


7. Thank them for their time and ignore them. If an IM, remove them from your contact list. Put them on "ban" if you can.


8. See #11 on the description for version 1.0


 Spell to be rid of telemarketers


Version 1.0--The Slow Way


1. Each time you get a call from a telemarketer, tell them to take your name completely off of the calling list--tell them that you don't want their company (the company making the calls, NOT the one making the offer; they're different) to EVER call them again. They have to comply, it's law. Say this even if they don't answer, in case it's some dumb kid talking to his neighbor instead of paying attention. A simple "not interested" is not enough to get rid of them.


2. Eventually, if they hear your request and obey the laws, you will be free of telemarketers for at least 8 years. By law, they can put you back on the list after 8 years.


3. Change your phone number, avoid giving companies your real number if you can. Most companies that ask for your phone number only ask so they can put you on a phone solicitation list. If you can, put as your phone number the number of a local pizzeria.


4. Request an unlisted number.



Version 2.0--The Magickal Way

Nota Bene: Use extreme caution. Under 18 get adult supervision.


1. Find a picture of a telemarketer on the Net or somewhere, get a copy of it. Keep only the copy.


2. If you have a pile of mail solicitations (credit card offers, Publisher's Clearing House stuff, etc.), put the picture of the telemarketer in with that pile.


3. Get these things:

            Lighter or matches                                            some "Mr. Clean" cleaning fluid

            lighter fluid or gasoline                           ritual knives and/or "athames"

            a cheap wooden bowl you won't need later       a small sturdy wooden stick

            wax Voodoo doll with no face              scissors


4. Take the pile you just made and your stuff listed above and take it all to somewhere where you can safely burn stuff.


5. Cut the telemarketer's face (including the headset) out of the picture, pin it to the "face" of the wax Voodoo doll.


6. Place the mail solicitations in the pyre.


7. Place the wooden bowl into the pyre atop the mail solicitations. Put the cleaning fluid and the lighter fluid (or gasoline) into the wooden bowl.


8. Set the athames before the pyre (the container you'll burn stuff in) in an X shape. Start chanting something mystical-sounding and spooky.


9. Shove the stick up the butt of the wax Voodoo doll representing telemarketers. Place it to the side.


10. Carefully light the mail solicitations and the bowl of flammable liquids on fire.


11. Change the chant to, "Damn you all, leave me the hell alone! Turn to dust and ash and bone!" Or something to that effect.


12. Hold the wax Voodoo doll by the stick up its butt over the flames, watch it melt while you chant. Before it melts all the way, throw it into the fire and laugh maniacally.


13. Grab the ritual knives one in each hand and dance around the flames, laughing maniacally.


Note: To get rid of spam emails, replace the telemarketer's head with the label off a can of Spam, and instead of chanting "Damn you all, leave me the hell alone! Turn to dust and ash and bone!", chant instead, "DAMN DAMN, DAMN DAMN! By the flames, NO MORE SPAM! No more junk in my inbox! GO TO HELL YOU BOX OF ROCKS!" Or something to that effect.



A Spell to attract a lover


1. Know that spells to get a particular person to love you can be dangerous, as they might develop an obsession around you and become violent and jealous. It's much safer and better in the long run to attract to you a general lover rather than a specific person.


2. In your sacred space (altar, outside at a sunrise, backseat of the car, etc) gather up things that you like and arrange them however you like.


3. Get comfortable.


4. Do whatever you need to do to get in a magickal mood (cast a circle, go into trance, cast an obtuse triangle, etc.)


5. It's not wise to invoke any Deity unless it's one you've developed a fairly close relationship with already. (For example, I use Shao'Kehn mostly because we're very close.) Deities don't like it when strangers come knocking on their door genuinely expecting handouts any more than humans do.


6. If you're going to invoke a close Deity, do so.


7. Tell the Deity (or the Universe or whatever) that you are looking for a lover. Tell about likes, dislikes, and all that kind of stuff. It's like placing an ad in the classifieds, the Deity will see what S/He can do.


8. Say, "A lover who fits the description I gave WILL come to me. As I Will it, so it shall be."


9. Close the ritual.


10. Persue earthly means of dating, like newspaper classifieds, Internet ads, and so on. Flirt with people you know and like who aren't already taken or of a different gender preference than you. 9/10ths of a successful magick working for getting something like love or wealth is YOU doing the earthly things needed. The other 1/10th is merely influence. Magick is not a guaranteer of success.